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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-04-02

*** If you're not doing anything this weekend you might consider becoming President of Argentina. I've been doing it for half a day now and I'm already bored. I could use a successor.

*** You know who'd make a great President of Argentina? Osama bin Laden. At least we'd know what country he's in.

*** The boys of *NSYNC will have a cameo in the next Star Wars film "Attack of the Clones". I know why they're doing this. It's so Jar-Jar Binks isn't the most annoying thing in the next sequel and C3PO isn't the gayest.

*** Have you seen these "Got Milk?" ads with Elton John? Are they trying to tell us that's milk on Elton's upper lip?

*** According to a new study, Americans without high school diplomas have higher death rates than those with one. Help me out here. They are talking about dropouts, right? And not those kids killed by their classmates before they graduate.

*** I may be just a dumb ass who didn't graduate, but how does any person have a higher death rate? Don't we all die just once? Twice if you're lucky. Nine times if you're Cat Woman.

*** If you really want to see a higher death rate go to any Open Mike Night.

*** Doesn't "Open Mike" sound like a euphemism for an autopsy?

*** Barry Manilow was forced to cancel several shows due to severe bronchitis. Isn't that contagious? If so, send this guy to Michael Bolton's house quick.

*** Rosie O'Donnell's New Year's resolution is to "eat food that has some sort of nutritional value, along with the crap I normally eat." I wonder how her girlfriend feels about being called "the crap I normally eat."

*** In other Rosie news, she's now officially joined Janet Reno's political campaign for governor of Florida as a supporter. Reno will be running against incumbent Jeb Bush. This might be the first time Rosie's ever tag-teamed to lick Bush.

*** Mike Tyson got into a scuffle with reporters and photographers in Cuba and ended up throwing crystal balls at them. I guess he just didn't like what those crystal balls had to say about how that press conference would turn out. In all honesty, could it really have been much worse?

*** Denver Nuggets coach Dan Issel resigned last week after calling a fan a "dumb fucking Mexican". Why is this guy resigning? Was he wrong? The guy was Mexican, right? He does fuck, right? And he was at a Denver Nuggets game, so it's all true.

*** The new New York mayor Mike Bloomberg said that he likes to chase women. Exactly how fast are these women running away from a billionaire?

*** He also said that he would ride the subway to work everyday. He must love the smell of urine in the morning.

*** Anthrax, the band, wants to make sure no one confuses them with the bacteria of the same name. Don't worry boys. It won't happen. I've read a lot about this anthrax and not once did I come across the phrase "ear plugs".

*** Prediction for the New Year: Sen. Tom Daschle will continue to receive shipments of anthrax until he signs for it.

*** Every time I hear the phrase "cash cow" I think: Just how much weight has Anna Nicole Smith gained now?

*** Freddy Heineken, of the Heineken Brewing family died this week at 89. Yet another senseless alcohol related death.

*** Did you hear about the Christina Aguilera sex tape? Apparently, it was shot without her consent and is now being circulated throughout Los Angeles. I don't know. That can't possibly be "What A Girl Wants".

*** I haven't seen this yet. Is she alone? If so, we could be seeing "Bottle in a Genie".

*** She dresses like a whore, she wears makeup like whore, she shakes her ass like a whore. Now when proof positive that she's a whore comes out she's upset. I don't get it.

*** Shannon Elizabeth now has a no nudity clause in all her contracts. Which means she also has a no Uncle Herbie clause at all her movies.

*** Isn't a marriage license considered a contract? If she has a no nudity clause in all her contracts, I sure do feel sorry for her husband.

*** Are you excited that this is a palindromic new year? Then, guess what? You're a geek.

*** Hey, Ladies! If you're gonna blow your new year's resolutions anyway, why not add Uncle Herbie to your list. Thanks.

And, that’s that.

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