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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-07-01

*** Did you hear about England's Dr. Death? They say he's killed hundreds of his patients. Well, when you think about it, what were they expecting? He's Dr. "DEATH", for Chrissakes! Not Dr. Miracle Cure. Geez!

*** In other British news, there's a 15-year-old girl over there who will be getting breast implants from her parents on her 16th birthday. This should definitely bring up her GPA (Guys Pawing At) rate. And another thing, at least they're not taking her to a doctor to be killed.

*** I'll bet the first thing she says after getting the implants will be, "What are you looking at?"

*** Georgie Bush has picked a Democrat to be in his cabinet. EWWW! One of them! How retarded is this guy? Doesn't he realize it's a Republican Administration? Oh, wait, I'm sorry. It says hear that Norman Mineta will be Bush's Transportation Secretary. That sounds like a pretty meaningless post. I'll bet he spends most of his time being Bush's designated driver.

*** Is it just my imagination or is there always at least one cabinet appointee who has a problem with illegal aliens? I'm guessing they must do great work and you can pay them next to nothing. I've gotta look into hiring one myself. If I keep her employed long enough I might end up with a nomination.

*** Did you hear about the North Dakota blind man who was issued a permit to carry a gun? My question: Who's gonna teach his dog to shoot?

*** So, the Pope's got Parkinson's disease. This is good news for whoever this Parkinson guy is. The guy I feel sorry for is whoever's got the Pope's disease. The man does not look good. He's a living (sort of) example of what a life of prayer can do for you.

*** In other Pope news, he says the one world leader that never listened to him was Bill Clinton. First the blowjobs and now this. Bill Clinton is certainly going down as one of the best presidents we've ever had. 

*** "Politically Incorrect" is currently auctioning off a seat on its panel. That's just what the world needs another showcase for a loud, fat, opinionated, rich guy. Isn't Fox News Channel, CNN, MSNBC, and all of Talk Radio enough? (I'm sure the high bidder doesn't have to be fat, but I bet he will be.)

*** So, Sexiest Dead Man JFK, Jr.'s pet project George magazine is closing down. I don't think they can blame this one on pilot error.

*** For all you loyal readers of "George" who can't survive without a monthly publication from a pretty boy --- Jerry Springer will be starting his own magazine.

*** The current TV Guide cover says "Ralph Nader Named Sexiest Man Alive". I guess we really lost a lot when that plane went down.

*** Did you hear about that cop who was arrested after making that woman walk home in her underwear? It's the first time a cop was arrested for impersonating Howard Stern.

*** My one and only New Year's resolution was not to make any New Year's resolutions. I broke that one as soon as I wrote it down. Better luck next year.

*** It's January 7th already and I'm still writing "Fuck You" on all my checks. 

*** William Milton has been walking around with a bullet in his head for the past twenty-five years. It was discovered during a routine Cat-scan (no cats were found), and he plans to keep it there. You just don't find men of his caliber too often. Overall, I think this should make NRA members very happy. Here's proof that not only do guns not kill people, apparently bullets don't either.

*** Jesse Ventura is now writing a children's book. It'll be a pop-up picture book called, "I Ain't Got Time To Read".

*** Did you hear about that rapist who says he was inspired by the Bible to cut off his penis and flush it down the toilet? Why stop there? I say he either gets a bigger toilet or keeps cutting off body parts until he's completely flushed himself away. That's in the Bible too, so just do it already.

*** Ray Walston is dead. There may not be life on Mars, but there's a dead Martian on Earth. Goodbye, friend.

*** A new study claims that 75% of men say that the personality of a woman is more important than her looks. Except when it comes to marriage, dating, Playmates, waitresses, and hiring.

*** The Viewers For Quality Television are calling it quits. I guess they got a look at "Grounded For Life" and "Three Sisters" and realize TV is now perfect, we're done.

*** Have you heard about this new TV show "The Mole"? One person out to sabotage the efforts of everyone else. And this is supposed to be fun? It sounds more like work, if you ask me. 

*** AOL set a record for new subscribers on X-mas day. I guess a lot of people got AOL disks for X-mas. Thanks, Santa. Will we get to hear about the record number of lost subscribers in 700 hours?

*** Oprah told Newsweek that she spends hours in the bathtub and that the tub is her sanctuary. I always wondered why they called her tubby. I guess this sets a record for most crowded tub, beating out the former record-holders: those Three Men In A Tub.

*** Wilson, that volleyball that kept Tom Hanks company during the movie "Cast Away" was auctioned off on-line for $18,400. Hey, if the guy who won this ever wants to buy some friends for his "volleyball", I've got tennis balls, hand balls, basketballs, and a testicle or two I might throw in. Make me an offer. 

*** Frank Sinatra, Bob Marley, John Lennon, Grover Washington, Jr., Johnny Taylor, Tito Puente, and Ella Fitzgerald are all dead and they're all nominated for Grammys this year. I hope they all win. That'd be seven less times we'd have to  hear "First and foremost, I'd like to thank my lord and savior, Jesus Christ" and thank God for that. 

*** So, Saddam Hussein may or may not have had a stroke this past week. So, he may or may not have ejaculated. Stay tuned.

*** Did you hear about that Illinois man who killed the thirteen-year-old sister of his girlfriend when she ate the last piece of toast? He wasn't upset because she ate the last piece, he just couldn't figure out how to make any more. I just hope they throw a loaf of bread on his lap when they fry him. That'll teach him.

*** Vanilla Ice was arrested for spousal abuse this week. You can tell he's a white rapper. The black ones always wait till they have an album due out before getting arrested.

*** Janet Reno says that she will be traveling the country in a pick up truck when she leaves office. That's probably the first time you'll hear "pick up" and Janet Reno in the same sentence.

*** Lastly, according to a new survey, 32% of people have masturbated at work. Well, that's certainly pulling your load at work. I, personally, never let an opportunity to masturbate slip through my fingers. What's wrong with the other 68% percent? They can't all be janitors.

And, that’s that.

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