*** Did you hear about England's Dr.
Death? They say he's killed hundreds of his patients. Well, when you
think about it, what were they
expecting? He's Dr. "DEATH", for Chrissakes! Not Dr. Miracle Cure.
*** In other British news, there's a
15-year-old girl over there who will be
getting breast implants from her parents on her 16th birthday. This
definitely bring up her GPA (Guys Pawing At) rate. And another thing,
they're not taking her to a doctor to be killed.
*** I'll bet the first thing she says
after getting the implants will be,
"What are you looking at?"
*** Georgie Bush has picked a Democrat
to be in his cabinet. EWWW! One of
them! How retarded is this guy? Doesn't he realize it's a Republican
Administration? Oh, wait, I'm sorry. It says hear that Norman Mineta
Bush's Transportation Secretary. That sounds like a pretty meaningless
I'll bet he spends most of his time being Bush's designated driver.
*** Is it just my imagination or is
there always at least one cabinet
appointee who has a problem with illegal aliens? I'm guessing they must
work and you can pay them next to nothing. I've gotta look into hiring
myself. If I keep her employed long enough I might end up with a
*** Did you hear about the North
Dakota blind man who was issued a permit to
carry a gun? My question: Who's gonna teach his dog to shoot?
*** So, the Pope's got Parkinson's
disease. This is good news for whoever
this Parkinson guy is. The guy I feel sorry for is whoever's got the
disease. The man does not look good. He's a living (sort of) example of
life of prayer can do for you.
*** In other Pope news, he says the
one world leader that never listened
to him was Bill Clinton. First the blowjobs and now this. Bill Clinton
certainly going down as one of the best presidents we've ever had.
*** "Politically Incorrect" is
currently auctioning off a seat on
its panel. That's just what the world needs another showcase for a
opinionated, rich guy. Isn't Fox News Channel, CNN, MSNBC, and all of
enough? (I'm sure the high bidder doesn't have to be fat, but I bet he
*** So, Sexiest Dead Man JFK, Jr.'s
pet project George magazine is closing
down. I don't think they can blame this one on pilot error.
*** For all you loyal readers of
"George" who can't survive without
a monthly publication from a pretty boy --- Jerry Springer will be
*** The current TV Guide cover says
"Ralph Nader Named Sexiest Man
Alive". I guess we really lost a lot when that plane went down.
*** Did you hear about that cop who
was arrested after making that woman
walk home in her underwear? It's the first time a cop was arrested for
impersonating Howard Stern.
*** My one and only New Year's
resolution was not to make any New Year's
resolutions. I broke that one as soon as I wrote it down. Better luck
*** It's January 7th already and I'm
still writing "Fuck You" on
all my checks.
*** William Milton has been walking
around with a bullet in his head for the
past twenty-five years. It was discovered during a routine Cat-scan (no
were found), and he plans to keep it there. You just don't find men of
caliber too often. Overall, I think this should make NRA members very
Here's proof that not only do guns not kill people, apparently bullets
*** Jesse Ventura is now writing a
children's book. It'll be a pop-up picture
book called, "I Ain't Got Time To Read".
*** Did you hear about that rapist who
says he was inspired by the Bible to
cut off his penis and flush it down the toilet? Why stop there? I say
gets a bigger toilet or keeps cutting off body parts until he's
flushed himself away. That's in the Bible too, so just do it already.
*** Ray Walston is dead. There may not
be life on Mars, but there's a dead
Martian on Earth. Goodbye, friend.
*** A new study claims that 75% of men
say that the personality of a woman is
more important than her looks. Except when it comes to marriage,
Playmates, waitresses, and hiring.
*** The Viewers For Quality Television
are calling it quits. I guess they got
a look at "Grounded For Life" and "Three Sisters" and
realize TV is now perfect, we're done.
*** Have you heard about this new TV
show "The Mole"? One person
out to sabotage the efforts of everyone else. And this is supposed to
be fun? It
sounds more like work, if you ask me.
*** AOL set a record for new
subscribers on X-mas day. I guess a lot of
people got AOL disks for X-mas. Thanks, Santa. Will we get to hear
record number of lost subscribers in 700 hours?
*** Oprah told Newsweek that she
spends hours in the bathtub and that the
tub is her sanctuary. I always wondered why they called her tubby. I
sets a record for most crowded tub, beating out the former
Three Men In A Tub.
*** Wilson, that volleyball that kept
Tom Hanks company during the movie
"Cast Away" was auctioned off on-line for $18,400. Hey, if the guy who
won this ever wants to buy some friends for his "volleyball", I've got
tennis balls, hand balls, basketballs, and a testicle or two I might
Make me an offer.
*** Frank Sinatra, Bob Marley, John
Lennon, Grover Washington, Jr., Johnny
Taylor, Tito Puente, and Ella Fitzgerald are all dead and they're all
for Grammys this year. I hope they all win. That'd be seven less times
to hear "First and foremost, I'd like to thank my lord and
Jesus Christ" and thank God for that.
*** So, Saddam Hussein may or may not
have had a stroke this past week.
So, he may or may not have ejaculated. Stay tuned.
*** Did you hear about that Illinois
man who killed the thirteen-year-old
sister of his girlfriend when she ate the last piece of toast? He
because she ate the last piece, he just couldn't figure out how to make
more. I just hope they throw a loaf of bread on his lap when they fry
That'll teach him.
*** Vanilla Ice was arrested for
spousal abuse this week. You can tell
he's a white rapper. The black ones always wait till they have an album
before getting arrested.
*** Janet Reno says that she will be
traveling the country in a pick up
truck when she leaves office. That's probably the first time you'll
"pick up" and Janet Reno in the same sentence.
*** Lastly, according to a new survey,
32% of people have masturbated at
work. Well, that's certainly pulling your load at work. I, personally,
an opportunity to masturbate slip through my fingers. What's wrong with
other 68% percent? They can't all be janitors.
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