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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 1-11-02

*** Michael Jordan's wife has filed for divorce. Ever since I heard this I've been telling my wife, "Now I finally get what people mean when they say I Wanna Be Like Mike!"

*** Now that he's single again he can go after Wilt Chamberlain's scoring record.

*** This Hockey Dad Trial sure is pucked up.

*** I just hope they put him in the Penalty Box and throw away the key.

*** President Bush vowed to reject any tax hike "over my dead body". This is much better than his dad's "Read my lips: No new taxes" vow. 'Cause nobody wants to read your lips when you're talking out your ass.

*** Have you noticed they always say "no NEW taxes". They never say "no HIGHER taxes"? Hmmmm.

*** Many people are now calling Osama bin Laden "The King of Sin". When did Gary Condit resign? Oh, yeah, that's right: September 11th.

*** Wendy's founder Dave Thomas is dead. So, to answer that often asked question, "Where's the beef?" Six feet under.

*** After releasing 6 CDs since 1992, David Gray has been nominated for a "Best New Artist" Grammy. This can only mean India Aire should take one home for "Lifetime Achievement".

*** Larry Flint continues to try to get permission to send Hustler reporters to the front lines in Afghanistan. I think a dirty war deserves coverage by a dirty magazine.

*** If a hooker takes Euros, does that make her Euro Trash?

*** Here's something we'll all be hearing soon: "The Hank Azaria Show got cancelled?! Imagine That."

*** Due to some last minute contractual fine-tuning, the debut of "Last Call" starring Carson Daly was delayed for a day. Those tuning in on Monday were disappointed not to see it. Those who tuned in Tuesday were disappointed to see it.

*** Have you seen this? Just because his last name is "Daly" and it's on "daily", doesn't mean it's not done "weakly".

*** "Last Call" is TRL --- Temporarily Replacing "Later".

*** This show is so bad NBC is considering running it after "Friends".

*** According to The Weekly World News, Bill Clinton has hired a three-breasted intern. Has he grown another hand?

*** "Weakest Link" host Anne Robinson topped Mr. Blackwell's annual "Worst Dressed" list. Is this the first time it's been won by a man?

*** Here's Uncle Herbie's Fashion Forecast: Despite early indications to the contrary, "young and sexy" will continue this year to be your best fashion asset.

*** Whenever Jennifer Connelly's dancing around in my head, I have "A Beautiful Mind" too.

*** Jennifer Connelly will next play The Incredible Hulk's girlfriend. I am green with envy.

*** Waylon Jennings had his left foot amputated because of an infection related to diabetes. Y'know, if they'd only cut off his entire left leg he'd be all right by now.

*** MTV and Showtime are teaming up to put on The Gay Network. The Gay Network?! That'd have to be the only channel where if the programming sucked --- that'd be a good thing.

*** Boy, there's a lot of anal rape on the HBO show "Oz". But even anal rape has its plus side. It's gotta be good feeling  to know that someone cared enough to try to get to know you from the inside.

*** You know what the problem with this "Queer Ass Folk" show is? It's tough to watch it when there's a guy's big hairy belly right in your face.

And, that’s that.

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