*** I'll bet Georgie Bush didn't have
this much trouble when the only cabinet
he had to worry about was daddy's liquor cabinet.
*** This John Ashcroft is so
conservative I'm afraid I may be forced to leave
the country. Literally. At gun point. So, before he's confirmed as
General, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say: "John Ashcroft
Doody-head!" Take that.
*** I knew Linda Chavez wasn't gonna
make it the moment Georgie Bush said he
was standing behind her. I think he was standing behind her so he
up in any photos with her. No pictures, he can deny ever having even
*** "Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to work
*** Next choice for labor secretary is
former Peace Corps director Elaine
Chao. Gee, I hope they find some dirt on her quick. It's been a day
crying out loud. C'mon, media. Do your thing.
*** It seems that Socks the cat will
not be leaving the White House with the
Clintons. The goddamn cat's destroyed too much White House furniture.
the Clintons will be supposedly buying their own furniture it's no
I say they take the cat over to Seinfeld's house and put him in the
Jerry's always talking about losing Socks in the laundry.
*** So, Fox TV Chairman Sandy Gurshow
says that "Temptation Island"
is "not a show about sex. It's not a show about breaking couples up."
Just a guess: is it about selling advertising?
*** If they think I'd do anything with
the skanks on this show to bust up my
solid relationship, they've got another think-and-a-half coming.
mistress would kill me. Or castrate me. Or Bobbitt me. She certainly
take it lying down (or bent over a sink).
*** Michael Douglas has agreed to pay
Catherine Zeta-Jones $5 million if
he's ever caught with another woman. If I were her I'd book my next
*** Britney Spears was voted the Worst
Dressed Woman by Mr. Blackwell. Yep,
*** Microsoft and Dell Computers are
working together to create new voting
technology to replace the outmoded methods that caused all those
"irregularities" you may have heard about during the last election. I
can hear the hold message for technical support now, "Your vote is
important to us, please hold for the next available representative."
*** "What do Sting and Madeline
Albright have in common?" They were
both named Gordon Sumner at one time. And they both have Spiderman
their ass. Why don't you give it a try?
*** So, they've genetically altered a
monkey and he won't light up. Is this
their way of getting back at Mike Nesmith for bailing on that last
*** Want to know what's in a foot?
Well, you've got 19 muscles, 26 bones, 33
joints, and 107 ligaments. Now you know what to look for whenever
*** Why would a blind man want to
climb Mt. Everest? Because somebody told
him it was there.
*** According to the Swiss Reinsurance
Co.'s annual catastrophe review,
17,000 people lost their lives in disasters this past year. Wow. Kevin
must've made a lot more movies than I thought last year.
*** Has anyone seen his latest?
"Thirteen Days", right? Is that its
title or industry projections for how long it stays in theaters? Who
see history rewritten to include Kevin Costner in every scene? I sure
*** Calista Flockhart has adopted a
baby boy. Gee, I wonder if it dances and
chucks spears at her?
*** The Army has changed its slogan
from "Be All That You Can Be".
Its new slogan: "C'mon, Trailer Trash. We'll Teach You How To Shoot."
*** I really hated MTV's "Hate Crime"
programming. Just keep airing
Eminem and rap videos and forget about pretending to have a conscience,
*** According to Men's Health
magazine, after four drinks the average man
is unable to perform sexually. Damn. It takes at least twice that just
the "Last Call" women seem appealing. I'm thinking I must be above
average here because I've never heard any complaints. Of course, I
listen after my pants are back on. Which happens quicker and quicker as
more efficient. Unless I have to use the toilet. That sometimes lasts
*** The latest trend in adult
entertainment is "Clown Porno".
I'm not kidding. I watched one just the other day and I've gotta tell
shoes don't even always mean big feet.
*** Will all those people pissed-off
over the FDR-in-a-wheelchair statue
just sit down and shut up already? He would have.
*** So, Phyllis Diller is the first
woman to make the Friars Club Wall of
Fame. Phyllis Diller. Friars Club. Nothing funny going on there.
*** Lastly, boy did I have a crazy
dream last night. I was being chased by
a pair of stained underwear (my own, I recognized the stains) through
of Vienna like Harry Lime in The Third Man. All of a sudden I began to
melt and become one with the sludge. I woke up sweating. How's that for
Where's my holiday? You're not the only one to ever have had a dream,
And, that’s that.
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