*** This John Ashcroft is so conservative I'm afraid I may be forced to leave the country. Literally. At gun point. So, before he's confirmed as Attorney General, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say: "John Ashcroft is a Doody-head!" Take that.

*** I knew Linda Chavez wasn't gonna make it the moment Georgie Bush said he was standing behind her. I think he was standing behind her so he wouldn't show up in any photos with her. No pictures, he can deny ever having even heard of her.

*** "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to work free ..."

*** Next choice for labor secretary is former Peace Corps director Elaine Chao. Gee, I hope they find some dirt on her quick. It's been a day already, for crying out loud. C'mon, media. Do your thing.

*** It seems that Socks the cat will not be leaving the White House with the Clintons. The goddamn cat's destroyed too much White House furniture. Now that the Clintons will be supposedly buying their own furniture it's no longer funny. I say they take the cat over to Seinfeld's house and put him in the dryer. Jerry's always talking about losing Socks in the laundry.

*** So, Fox TV Chairman Sandy Gurshow says that "Temptation Island" is "not a show about sex. It's not a show about breaking couples up." Just a guess: is it about selling advertising?

*** If they think I'd do anything with the skanks on this show to bust up my solid relationship, they've got another think-and-a-half coming. Besides, my mistress would kill me. Or castrate me. Or Bobbitt me. She certainly wouldn't take it lying down (or bent over a sink).

*** Michael Douglas has agreed to pay Catherine Zeta-Jones $5 million if he's ever caught with another woman. If I were her I'd book my next vacation to "Temptation Island".

*** Britney Spears was voted the Worst Dressed Woman by Mr. Blackwell. Yep, he's gay.

*** Microsoft and Dell Computers are working together to create new voting technology to replace the outmoded methods that caused all those "irregularities" you may have heard about during the last election. I can hear the hold message for technical support now, "Your vote is important to us, please hold for the next available representative."

*** "What do Sting and Madeline Albright have in common?" They were both named Gordon Sumner at one time. And they both have Spiderman tattooed on their ass. Why don't you give it a try?

*** So, they've genetically altered a monkey and he won't light up. Is this their way of getting back at Mike Nesmith for bailing on that last reunion tour?

*** Want to know what's in a foot? Well, you've got 19 muscles, 26 bones, 33 joints, and 107 ligaments. Now you know what to look for whenever Georgie Bush starts speaking.

*** Why would a blind man want to climb Mt. Everest? Because somebody told him it was there.

*** According to the Swiss Reinsurance Co.'s annual catastrophe review, 17,000 people lost their lives in disasters this past year. Wow. Kevin Costner must've made a lot more movies than I thought last year.

*** Has anyone seen his latest? "Thirteen Days", right? Is that its title or industry projections for how long it stays in theaters? Who needs to see history rewritten to include Kevin Costner in every scene? I sure don't.

*** Calista Flockhart has adopted a baby boy. Gee, I wonder if it dances and chucks spears at her?

*** The Army has changed its slogan from "Be All That You Can Be". Its new slogan: "C'mon, Trailer Trash. We'll Teach You How To Shoot."

*** I really hated MTV's "Hate Crime" programming. Just keep airing Eminem and rap videos and forget about pretending to have a conscience, okay?

*** According to Men's Health magazine, after four drinks the average man is unable to perform sexually. Damn. It takes at least twice that just to make the "Last Call" women seem appealing. I'm thinking I must be above average here because I've never heard any complaints. Of course, I never really listen after my pants are back on. Which happens quicker and quicker as I become more efficient. Unless I have to use the toilet. That sometimes lasts hours.

*** The latest trend in adult entertainment is "Clown Porno". I'm not kidding. I watched one just the other day and I've gotta tell ya: Big shoes don't even always mean big feet. 

*** Will all those people pissed-off over the FDR-in-a-wheelchair statue just sit down and shut up already? He would have.

*** So, Phyllis Diller is the first woman to make the Friars Club Wall of Fame. Phyllis Diller. Friars Club. Nothing funny going on there.