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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-20-01

*** Civil Rights in this country has come a long way. We've gone from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" to Jesse Jackson's "I Have A Bastard". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are bastards.

*** Jesse's been paying this mother-of-his-bastard $10,000 a month. Wow. I guess there really is gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition leader's penis.

*** I wonder if Jesse ever found a rhyme for "Booty Call".

*** In one of his last official acts as president, Bill Clinton had a cancerous growth removed from his back. And everyone thought he would wait till after his presidency to get rid of Hillary.

*** Do you think the caliber of Bill Clinton's women will drop once he leaves office? That'd pretty much leave professional bull-dyke Lea Delaria. Good luck with that.

*** It certainly takes a lot of inaugural balls to wear a smirk like that after having stolen the election. Makes you think they should've kicked things off with a rousing rendition of "Hail To The Thief".

*** Gee, I wonder how Georgie Bush plans to pay back the oil companies and corporations that've put up the $35 million dollars for all this inaugural nonsense? I'll bet his mommy makes sure he sends them all  a nice "Thank You" note.

*** I keep hearing people say, "You've gotta give the retard a chance." Okay, no problem. He's got till Tuesday to straighten out everything that's wrong with the world. Or else.

*** Or else I'll call him a "doody head" again.

*** Did anyone see Brad Pitt in "Snatch"? I heard Jennifer Aniston was nowhere to be seen. Married just a few months and already he's cheating. Who does he think he is? A reverend?

*** Bill Maher compared owning two dogs to raising retarded children saying, "They're sweet. They're kind. But they don't mentally advance at all." And you'll need a much bigger pooper scooper  for the retarded kids.

*** I read somewhere, and who really cares where, that about 1,000 people a year undergo sexual reassignment. Some, like Janet Reno and Lea Delaria, don't even need to have surgery first.

*** The ABC television network will be trimming its news budget $20 million dollars this year. Well, there goes all those John Stossel fact-checkers. Why don't they just have the advertisers write the news and tell us all about their new drugs and bad movies? Or are they already doing that?

*** The flush toilet was patented 140 years ago this week by Thomas Crapper. True. You know, most people you tell that to will just start laughing. Proving that we Americans have no appreciation for the finer points of history at all.

*** Kimberly-Clark, the paper company not the porn star, will be launching a new line of pre-moistened toilet paper. Who needs this? Moistening toilet paper happens to be one of the few things I can do with relative ease. Why doesn't somebody come up with products we really need like pre-moistened water? Or unscented perfume?

*** New York City just opened its first public pay toilets. Only twenty-five cents per shit. Great. It'll cost them at least twice that much just to clean up after me. So there. You can have your damn quarter.

*** New York is only the seventh most expensive city in the world. Tokyo is number one. Can you imagine what it costs to shit in Tokyo? Just the plane fare alone would bankrupt me.

*** The Institute of Medicine has come up with new vitamin intake recommendations. They say that anything over 2,000 milligrams a day of Vitamin C can cause diarrhea. I guess we know where Linus Pauling was sitting when he died.

*** A new study finds that twelve of the most popular science textbooks used in middle schools are riddled with errors. Oh, so that explains why most middle school students think the world revolves around them.

*** Liz Taylor says that "Eight is Enough" and that she will never marry again. Unless, of course, Dick Van Patten becomes available soon.

*** Why is it you only hear the word "hip" used about a guy in his eighties when he breaks it? Get well soon, Ronnie.

*** Metallica bassist Jason Newstead (you try spelling it right with a hangover) has left the band. He found it took too much time away from downloading stuff from Napster.

*** Pallisades Marketing has acquired the rights to create a line of action figures based on Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs". Ears sold separately.

*** I keep seeing the cast of "Survivor 2" on all the magazine covers. Which one's the homo?

*** And lastly, where does Justin Timberlake pee when Britney Spears is on the toilet? 'N sink.

And, that’s that.

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