*** Civil Rights in this country has
come a long way. We've gone from Martin
Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" to Jesse Jackson's "I Have A
Bastard". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best
friends are bastards.
*** Jesse's been paying this
mother-of-his-bastard $10,000 a month. Wow. I
guess there really is gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition leader's
*** I wonder if Jesse ever found a
rhyme for "Booty Call".
*** In one of his last official acts
as president, Bill Clinton had a
cancerous growth removed from his back. And everyone thought he would
after his presidency to get rid of Hillary.
*** Do you think the caliber of Bill
Clinton's women will drop once he leaves
office? That'd pretty much leave professional bull-dyke Lea Delaria.
*** It certainly takes a lot of
inaugural balls to wear a smirk like that
after having stolen the election. Makes you think they should've kicked
off with a rousing rendition of "Hail To The Thief".
*** Gee, I wonder how Georgie Bush
plans to pay back the oil companies and
corporations that've put up the $35 million dollars for all this
nonsense? I'll bet his mommy makes sure he sends them all a nice
"Thank You" note.
*** I keep hearing people say, "You've
gotta give the retard a
chance." Okay, no problem. He's got till Tuesday to straighten out
everything that's wrong with the world. Or else.
*** Or else I'll call him a "doody
*** Did anyone see Brad Pitt in
"Snatch"? I heard Jennifer
Aniston was nowhere to be seen. Married just a few months and already
cheating. Who does he think he is? A reverend?
*** Bill Maher compared owning two
dogs to raising retarded children
saying, "They're sweet. They're kind. But they don't mentally advance
all." And you'll need a much bigger pooper scooper for the
*** I read somewhere, and who really
cares where, that about 1,000 people
a year undergo sexual reassignment. Some, like Janet Reno and Lea
even need to have surgery first.
*** The ABC television network will be
trimming its news budget $20
million dollars this year. Well, there goes all those John Stossel
fact-checkers. Why don't they just have the advertisers write the news
us all about their new drugs and bad movies? Or are they already doing
*** The flush toilet was patented 140
years ago this week by Thomas
Crapper. True. You know, most people you tell that to will just start
Proving that we Americans have no appreciation for the finer points of
*** Kimberly-Clark, the paper company
not the porn star, will be launching
a new line of pre-moistened toilet paper. Who needs this? Moistening
paper happens to be one of the few things I can do with relative ease.
doesn't somebody come up with products we really need like
Or unscented perfume?
*** New York City just opened its
first public pay toilets. Only
twenty-five cents per shit. Great. It'll cost them at least twice that
to clean up after me. So there. You can have your damn quarter.
*** New York is only the seventh most
expensive city in the world. Tokyo
is number one. Can you imagine what it costs to shit in Tokyo? Just the
fare alone would bankrupt me.
*** The Institute of Medicine has come
up with new vitamin intake
recommendations. They say that anything over 2,000 milligrams a day of
can cause diarrhea. I guess we know where Linus Pauling was sitting
*** A new study finds that twelve of
the most popular science textbooks
used in middle schools are riddled with errors. Oh, so that explains
middle school students think the world revolves around them.
*** Liz Taylor says that "Eight is
Enough" and that she will
never marry again. Unless, of course, Dick Van Patten becomes available
*** Why is it you only hear the word
"hip" used about a guy in
his eighties when he breaks it? Get well soon, Ronnie.
*** Metallica bassist Jason Newstead
(you try spelling it right with a
hangover) has left the band. He found it took too much time away from
downloading stuff from Napster.
*** Pallisades Marketing has acquired
the rights to create a line of
action figures based on Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs". Ears
*** I keep seeing the cast of
"Survivor 2" on all the magazine
covers. Which one's the homo?
*** And lastly, where does Justin
Timberlake pee when Britney Spears is on
the toilet? 'N sink.
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