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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-20-02

*** You'd think after all these years of swallowing his own bullshit, President Bush would be able to handle a pretzel.

*** Hey, it could have been worse. He could've puked it all over a Prime Minister like some other President Bush, who shall remain nameless.

*** Passing out like that probably made Bush feel like a college kid again.

*** Who knew Mr. Salty's first name was Osama?

*** Does anyone else remember the good old days when presidents not only knew how to swallow but encouraged it in others as well?

*** Overheard at the Enron boardroom: "Say, Ken. Your last name's Lay, how would you say we screw our investors?"

*** Many ex-Enron employees look back to the good old days when ENRON meant "Employees Net Return Of Nothing".

*** Everyone in both Washington and Texas has had to recuse themselves from the Enron investigation because they have Enron ties. With all the negative publicity surrounding Enron, don't you think they could wear different ties for a while?

*** Doesn't "recuse me" sound like something Scooby Doo would say after he did something wrong?

*** The Arthur Anderson accounting firm insists there's not a shred of evidence linking themselves or Enron to any wrongdoing. That's probably just because the paper shredder jammed and they had to burn the incriminating documents.

*** I guess Enron execs follow one guiding principle: Take The Money Enron.

*** Larry King has signed a $56 million dollar deal with CNN. Even after alimony that's a lot of money.

*** Hey, Minnie Driver! Have you driven a Ford lately?

*** Britney Spears said, "Chocolate for me is just like an orgasm." Something Justin never gives me.

*** A team of state police, bomb-sniffing dogs and National Guard troops will be stationed near Gobbler's Knob in Pennsylvania on Feb. 2 to ward off problems at this year's Groundhog Day festivities. And if anything should go wrong --- they'll just have to do it again, and again, and again. Until they get it right.

*** Doesn't "Gobbler's Knob" sound like a good title for the HBO Monica Lewinsky documentary?

*** Did anyone see that new Supreme Court show "First Monday"? Well, the verdict is in: cancelled by "Third Monday".

*** "Snow Dogs" opened in theaters on Friday. Who wants to see a movie about Linda Tripp and Marge Schott in the Yukon?

*** Now that "Survivor 3" has ended we can all go back to our regular routines: not watching "Survivor 3".

*** Oprah has hit an all-time low: eating on the toilet. Oh, and her ratings are dropping too.

*** Conan O'Brien got married. Thus putting an end to his long string of "Late Nights".

*** Britain's Prince Harry has been smoking pot. No wonder they call him "Your Highness".

*** K-Mart stock is now so worthless it's only available as a Blue Light Special in aisle three.

*** "American Pie 2" was released on DVD this week with 10 hours of extras. I can only assume these extra scenes take place in a bakery.

*** Lastly, if Martin Luther King was alive today, he'd probably still be upset that his son, Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.

And, that’s that.

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