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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-26-02

*** J. Clifford Baxter, former vice-chairman of Enron, committed suicide this week. This is great news for all the surviving Enron execs. They now know who to blame.

*** Apparently, he needed this whole scandal like he needed a hole in the head.

*** Why would an Enron executive have to shoot himself? I'm sure if he just went out more somebody would have been happy enough to do it for him.

*** I hear he wasn't embalmed. Just stuffed with incriminating documents.

*** How many more Enron execs have to die before they make the endangered species list?

*** Dick Cheney will not give congressional investigators investigating Enron a list of business leaders he met with while formulating the administration's energy policy. He said such a list would harm his ability to receive advice in the future. Question: since when is "advice" a synonym for "campaign contributions"?

*** Did you hear about the woman who got her fat ass stuck in an airline toilet when she flushed? That's gotta be the #2 story of the week.

*** How did they even land the plane if she wasn't wearing a seatbelt?

*** How many of the other passengers were pissed off at her? And how many of them pissed on her?

*** If one flush sealed her ass to the seat, what would have happened if she flushed again? A hysterectomy?

*** There's two key questions to ask about those "detainees" in Guantanamo Bay. Are they being treated humanely? And, who cares?

*** Is there really a new spicy laxative called "Mex-Lax"?

*** You know, they really should make one for Superman's arch-enemy: "Lex-Lax".

*** My dad always used to tell me, "If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times --- I can't count."

*** There's a film in the works about Britain's top stoner Prince Harry. It'll be called, "Dude, Where's My Crown?"

*** Steve Oedekerk's "Kung Pow" opened in movie theaters this weekend. This is the movie that does for martial arts parody films what "The Postman" did for Kevin Costner films.

*** The movie "Groundhog Day" comes out on DVD this week. This is the kind of movie I can watch again and again and again. And again.

*** The Dalai Lama has been hospitalized after doctors found a lump in his stomach. If they forget to sew him up after the operation, would that just make him holier?

*** Did anyone else see Elton John on Larry King this week? That's gotta be the worst gay porn ever.

*** I won't be watching Stephen King's "Rose Red". To tell you the truth, he hasn't scared me since the '80s when I saw him naked in a locker room.

*** Do you know he has a tattoo on his ass that says, "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"?

*** You know, not everything Halle Berry does is all that fascinating. Unless, of course, she's naked.

*** They even have an award show named after her: "The Golden Globes".

*** When I first heard about that woman suicide bomber in Jerusalem, I was sure it was Halle Berry. 'Cause she's da bomb!

*** Does anyone really care that much about Rick Astley that he's still even mentioned in the same breath as "turn that shit off"?

*** Lastly, about that Mariah Carey buy out. Do you know how many limbs I'd actually have to have severed before I'd get that kind of severance pay? More than I was born with.

And, that’s that.

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