*** J. Clifford Baxter, former
vice-chairman of Enron, committed suicide this week. This is great news
for all the surviving Enron execs. They now know who to blame.
*** Apparently, he needed this whole
scandal like he needed a hole in the head.
*** Why would an Enron executive have
to shoot himself? I'm sure if he just went out more somebody would have
been happy enough to do it for him.
*** I hear he wasn't embalmed. Just
stuffed with incriminating documents.
*** How many more Enron execs have to
die before they make the endangered species list?
*** Dick Cheney will not give
congressional investigators investigating Enron a list of business
leaders he met with while formulating the administration's energy
policy. He said such a list would harm his ability to receive advice in
the future. Question: since when is "advice" a synonym for "campaign
*** Did you hear about the woman who
got her fat ass stuck in an airline toilet when she flushed? That's
gotta be the #2 story of the week.
*** How did they even land the plane
if she wasn't wearing a seatbelt?
*** How many of the other passengers
were pissed off at her? And how many of them pissed on her?
*** If one flush sealed her ass to the
seat, what would have happened if she flushed again? A hysterectomy?
*** There's two key questions to ask
about those "detainees" in Guantanamo Bay. Are they being treated
humanely? And, who cares?
*** Is there really a new spicy
laxative called "Mex-Lax"?
*** You know, they really should make
one for Superman's arch-enemy: "Lex-Lax".
*** My dad always used to tell me, "If
I've told you once I've told you a thousand times --- I can't count."
*** There's a film in the works about
Britain's top stoner Prince Harry. It'll be called, "Dude, Where's My
*** Steve Oedekerk's "Kung Pow" opened
in movie theaters this weekend. This is the movie that does for martial
arts parody films what "The Postman" did for Kevin Costner films.
*** The movie "Groundhog Day" comes
out on DVD this week. This is the kind of movie I can watch again and
again and again. And again.
*** The Dalai Lama has been
hospitalized after doctors found a lump in his stomach. If they forget
to sew him up after the operation, would that just make him holier?
*** Did anyone else see Elton John on
Larry King this week? That's gotta be the worst gay porn ever.
*** I won't be watching Stephen King's
"Rose Red". To tell you the truth, he hasn't scared me since the '80s
when I saw him naked in a locker room.
*** Do you know he has a tattoo on his
ass that says, "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"?
*** You know, not everything Halle
Berry does is all that fascinating. Unless, of course, she's naked.
*** They even have an award show named
after her: "The Golden Globes".
*** When I first heard about that
woman suicide bomber in Jerusalem, I was sure it was Halle Berry.
'Cause she's da bomb!
*** Does anyone really care that much
about Rick Astley that he's still even mentioned in the same breath as
"turn that shit off"?
*** Lastly, about that Mariah Carey
buy out. Do you know how many limbs I'd actually have to have severed
before I'd get that kind of severance pay? More than I was born with.
And, that’s that.
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