*** So, Bush is already starting
to fuck with abortion funding. I
sure hope he's wearing a condom because this could really grow into
that'll bite him in the ass. Who the hell does he think he is to tell
me I can't
get an abortion? I've got a coat hanger and there's a back-alley right
the corner. How much could that possibly cost? Goddamn cheapskate.
*** Somebody stole the "W" from all
the keyboards in the White
House. How's Bush gonna spell "potatow"?
*** The real question about the
missing "W"s is "hy"?
*** Now that the Texas Seven have been
rounded up (and kudos to number
five for offing himself), we can all stop locking our doors and start
another again. Especially you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
*** Did you hear about that Mexico
City cop who tried to crucify himself
by driving a nail through his palm. Hey, jackass, it's impossible to
yourself. How do you nail in the second hand? Even Jesus needed help,
and he was
*** What the hell was Renee Zellwegger
doing in the bathroom while her
award was being announced at the Golden Globes? And does anyone have
*** They're naming a newly discovered
dinosaur after Mark Knopfler. It'll
be called the "Lame-o-saurus".
*** A new study says that teenage
girls who are on the pill are more
likely to smoke. I'm just guessing here, but I think they might be more
to put out too.
*** Did you hear about that
Pennsylvania guy who cut off his hand while
remodeling a house? He then tried to stop the pain by shooting himself
head a dozen times with a nail gun. I'll bet when that didn't work he
both feet. Look, I know home-remodeling is expensive but I didn't know
the guy doing the work an arm and a leg too.
*** Acutane, the acne drug of choice
for today's pizza faces, will come
with a new warning label stating it may cause birth defects, mental
or suicide. Well, at least with clear skin you won't make your mourners
You do not want to be buried with other people's vomit no matter how
live. I say take the drug.
*** So, Mini-Me banged a Playmate.
Good for him. I wonder if he went up on
*** The world's oldest man turned 112
this past week. When asked for the
secrets of his longevity he let out a six-foot streamer of drool and
*** Al Pacino, age 60, and Beverly
D'Angelo, she's gotta be 40+, just had
twins this past week. I really do feel sorry for Ms. D'Angelo. She now
sets of diapers to have her nanny change.
*** Anthony Hopkins has written a song
for the soundtrack of
"Hannibal". Wait a minute. Didn't Weird Al already write "Eat
*** Did you hear about that wimpy
Florida Marlins fan who was hit in the
eye by a rolled-up T-shirt shot out of an air cannon by the team's
claiming permanent eye damage and, of course, suing. The weird thing is
T-shirt saying was: "I went to see the Florida Marlins play and all I
was this lousy permanent eye damage."
*** AMC Theaters announced plans to
close 548 screens across the country.
That's what happens when you open "Little Nicky" on 3,000 screens. A
movie that precious deserves platforming.
*** Kirk Cameron, the guy who put the
pain in "Growing Pains",
will be starring in a new movie about the Apocalypse. Isn't Kirk
starring in a movie a sign of the Apocalypse?
*** "Sugar And Spice" opened on
Friday. It's about cheerleaders
who rob banks and features a guest appearance by Kurt Loder.
Kurt Loder? Has Hollywood been reading my Dream Journal again?
*** The Agriculture Department has
announced its new Organic Food
Standards. No pesticides, no genetic engineering, no irradiation. By
standards my neighbor who eats light bulbs and paint chips is on a
*** Reverend Billy Graham's movie
production company (who knew?) will be
releasing, get this, a comedy called "Road to Redemption". "We're
off on the Road to Redemption, we certainly won't get a laugh ---"
*** A Judge claims that Andy Dick is
making good progress in rehab.
Unfortunately, it was just Judge Reinhold, so it has no legal bearing.
*** A minister in the town of Zilla
has started the Church of Godzilla to
prove that religious people have a sense of humor. Also, to scare the
of the Japanese.
*** According to an article in Time
Magazine, what the men who rule the
world are thinking most is, "I thought Halle's mother was dead. Boy,
"All My Children" is exciting. What's on next?"
*** Lastly, it's a big day Sunday.
Super Bowl Triple-X V. I hope the V
stands for what I think it does, but it's Triple-X so I'll be watching
And, that’s that.
You can E-mail
Uncle Herbie by
Click here for more Uncle
Compact Discs anywhere Click Here