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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 01-27-01

*** So, Bush is  already starting to fuck with abortion funding. I sure hope he's wearing a condom because this could really grow into something that'll bite him in the ass. Who the hell does he think he is to tell me I can't get an abortion? I've got a coat hanger and there's a back-alley right around the corner. How much could that possibly cost? Goddamn cheapskate.

*** Somebody stole the "W" from all the keyboards in the White House. How's Bush gonna spell "potatow"?

*** The real question about the missing "W"s is "hy"?

*** Now that the Texas Seven have been rounded up (and kudos to number five for offing himself), we can all stop locking our doors and start loving one another again. Especially you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.  

*** Did you hear about that Mexico City cop who tried to crucify himself by driving a nail through his palm. Hey, jackass, it's impossible to crucify yourself. How do you nail in the second hand? Even Jesus needed help, and he was Jesus.

*** What the hell was Renee Zellwegger doing in the bathroom while her award was being announced at the Golden Globes? And does anyone have any pictures?

*** They're naming a newly discovered dinosaur after Mark Knopfler. It'll be called the "Lame-o-saurus".

*** A new study says that teenage girls who are on the pill are more likely to smoke. I'm just guessing here, but I think they might be more likely to put out too.

*** Did you hear about that Pennsylvania guy who cut off his hand while remodeling a house? He then tried to stop the pain by shooting himself in the head a dozen times with a nail gun. I'll bet when that didn't work he cut off both feet. Look, I know home-remodeling is expensive but I didn't know it cost the guy doing the work an arm and a leg too.

*** Acutane, the acne drug of choice for today's pizza faces, will come with a new warning label stating it may cause birth defects, mental disorders, or suicide. Well, at least with clear skin you won't make your mourners sick. You do not want to be buried with other people's vomit no matter how long you live. I say take the drug. 

*** So, Mini-Me banged a Playmate. Good for him. I wonder if he went up on her.

*** The world's oldest man turned 112 this past week. When asked for the secrets of his longevity he let out a six-foot streamer of drool and wet himself. 

*** Al Pacino, age 60, and Beverly D'Angelo, she's gotta be 40+, just had twins this past week. I really do feel sorry for Ms. D'Angelo. She now has three sets of diapers to have her nanny change.

*** Anthony Hopkins has written a song for the soundtrack of "Hannibal". Wait a minute. Didn't Weird Al already write "Eat It"?

*** Did you hear about that wimpy Florida Marlins fan who was hit in the eye by a rolled-up T-shirt shot out of an air cannon by the team's mascot? He's claiming permanent eye damage and, of course, suing. The weird thing is the T-shirt saying was: "I went to see the Florida Marlins play and all I got was this lousy permanent eye damage."

*** AMC Theaters announced plans to close 548 screens across the country. That's what happens when you open "Little Nicky" on 3,000 screens. A movie that precious deserves platforming.

*** Kirk Cameron, the guy who put the pain in "Growing Pains", will be starring in a new movie about the Apocalypse. Isn't Kirk Cameron starring in a movie a sign of the Apocalypse?

*** "Sugar And Spice" opened on Friday. It's about cheerleaders who rob banks and features a guest appearance by Kurt Loder. Cheerleaders? Guns? Kurt Loder? Has Hollywood been reading my Dream Journal again?

*** The Agriculture Department has announced its new Organic Food Standards. No pesticides, no genetic engineering, no irradiation. By these standards my neighbor who eats light bulbs and paint chips is on a strict organic diet.

*** Reverend Billy Graham's movie production company (who knew?) will be releasing, get this, a comedy called "Road to Redemption". "We're off on the Road to Redemption, we certainly won't get a laugh ---"

*** A Judge claims that Andy Dick is making good progress in rehab. Unfortunately, it was just Judge Reinhold, so it has no legal bearing.

*** A minister in the town of Zilla has started the Church of Godzilla to prove that religious people have a sense of humor. Also, to scare the hell out of the Japanese.

*** According to an article in Time Magazine, what the men who rule the world are thinking most is, "I thought Halle's mother was dead. Boy, this "All My Children" is exciting. What's on next?"

*** Lastly, it's a big day Sunday. Super Bowl Triple-X V. I hope the V stands for what I think it does, but it's Triple-X so I'll be watching anyway.

And, that’s that.

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