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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 02-02-01

*** What's up with this Office of Faith-Based Action? Isn't that where Jesse Jackson meets his women? 

*** C'mon, who are we kidding here? When they say "Faith-Based" you know they mean Christian. You're not gonna seen any Santeria-based charity getting any government fundage. But, then again, how much does it really cost for a goat, two chickens and a knife?

*** Isn't there something in the Constitution about the separation of Church and State? I believe it's in the First Amendment. Well, I guess it was only the "first" amendment, so they really didn't know what they were doing. They didn't really get a handle on this whole amendment process till they repealed Prohibition.

*** Y'know, they used to call President John F. Kennedy "Jack" for some inexplicable reason. I say we all take a vow now to start calling the new Attorney General "Jack"-Ash Croft. 

*** "Jack"-Ash Croft has promised to enforce the laws of this country equally. For both blacks and African Americans alike. And Latinos, too. Especially Latino dancers.

*** Speaking of Jack-Ashes, MTV's Jackass made news this week when some kid lit himself on fire trying to imitate something he saw on the show. MTV's Jackass? I thought it's been years since Jesse Camp was on MTV. What do I know about MTV, I'm an adult.

*** Everyone's talking about how stupid that Dairy Queen cashier was who accepted a cartoonishly bogus $200 bill with Georgie Bush's picture on it. Well, she wasn't that stupid. I mean, she gave the right change. Maybe it's not stupidity, maybe it's just being from Kentucky, where education is so bad the only thing that could possibly pass is a fake $200 bill.

*** It was Groundhog Day today and Puxatawney (why isn't my spell checker working?) Phil did indeed see his shadow. This means he will keep on seeing his shadow day in and day out for the next six weeks until he becomes a better Groundhog. Then he'll be eaten. Yummm!

*** On-Line retailer Amazon.com (ever heard of that?) plans to stop selling unprofitable products in a plan they're calling "Get the Crap Out". Wow. This Jeff Bozos sure is a genius. Who else would think to stop selling "unprofitable" products? I'm guessing the plan hasn't taken effect yet, because you can still buy the entire line of "Freaky Links" trading cards. And if they truly want to get the crap out, why are they still selling Lou Bega's CD?

*** "Good Morning America", the TV show, will be airing a live child birth on Tuesday. Good Morning Again, My Breakfast. Yuck! If they really want to boost ratings they should go with a live conception.

*** They say they've finally found the missing remains of famed atheist Madalyn Murray O'Hair. I won't believe until I see it. I need proof.

*** According to World Health Organization experts people are getting fat. According to mirrors people are getting fat, too. Where's my research grant?

*** A survey by Progressive Insurance Co. reveals that most Americans favor their cars over their kids. That seems like a dangerous place to park, over your kids, but I guess if people like it and they're careful, it's okay.

*** Did you hear about that Long Island teen who tried to rob a gas station with a toilet plunger? What was he possibly thinking? "Gimme all your money or I'll --- I'll unclog your toilet." I wonder if the cops considered giving this punk an Abner Louema? (goddamn you, spell checker)

*** A man in Canada was arrested for mailing dozens of packages of feces across the country. That just goes to show how Canada and the United States differ. In this country we rely on politicians and talk radio hosts to spread that stuff around.

*** Is anyone excited about the XFL? I mean, besides Vince McMahon. Me? I can't get excited about anything that's not at least Triple-X. Count me out.

*** If Puff Daddy goes to jail he'll get a good idea of what it feels like to be sampled.

*** Georgie Bush made his radio debut last weekend. "America Held Hostage: The Bush Years, Part Two". I was listening, just for the laxative effect, and I swear it must be the first ever broadcast of an audible vacant stare. He's really put the "ass" in compassionate conservative.

*** I'm sure hoping four years from now Georgie and his crew get to play their own White House pranks on the incoming president.

*** Why is Georgie spending so much time with Ted Kennedy lately? To show people what a real drinking problem looks like?

*** So, when you type "dumb motherfucker" into Google, the search engine's top result is a site about President Bush. Finally, an accurate search engine. We all knew he was dumb, but he's fucking his mother? I wouldn't do Barbara Bush with my dog's dick on the end of a ten-foot pole. At least not without cameras running.

*** Somebody smuggled a three-ton elephant into Mexico. Why? Isn't there something a little smaller and potentially more profitable they could've smuggled? Something like, I dunno, a truck full of heroin?

*** Safeway Supermarkets will no longer be selling just Gingerbread Men and will now be offering a line of Gingerbread Women. I hope they're not just cutting the dicks off the Men and repackaging them, 'cause I really would much rather eat a woman than a man any day of the week. I'll just have to really examine those Gingerbread vaginas before I dig in. Which would make me the world's first Gingerbread gynecologist, I guess.

*** A Berlin court has ordered heart specialist Dr. Willi Heepe to pay Arnold Schwarzenegger $4,700 and retract a statement that the actor would die of heart disease. Wait a minute, shouldn't we at least wait till Arnold's dead. Maybe the guy was right. Everbody's gotta die of something, right?

*** Lastly, you know the best thing about getting a colonic? You've got something up your ass that won't require an emergency room visit to remove.

And, that’s that.

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