*** What's up with this Office of
Faith-Based Action? Isn't that where
Jesse Jackson meets his women?
*** C'mon, who are we kidding here?
When they say "Faith-Based"
you know they mean Christian. You're not gonna seen any Santeria-based
getting any government fundage. But, then again, how much does it
for a goat, two chickens and a knife?
*** Isn't there something in the
Constitution about the separation of
Church and State? I believe it's in the First Amendment. Well, I guess
only the "first" amendment, so they really didn't know what they were
doing. They didn't really get a handle on this whole amendment process
*** Y'know, they used to call
President John F. Kennedy "Jack"
for some inexplicable reason. I say we all take a vow now to start
new Attorney General "Jack"-Ash Croft.
*** "Jack"-Ash Croft has promised to
enforce the laws of this
country equally. For both blacks and African Americans alike. And
Especially Latino dancers.
*** Speaking of Jack-Ashes, MTV's
Jackass made news this week when some
kid lit himself on fire trying to imitate something he saw on the show.
Jackass? I thought it's been years since Jesse Camp was on MTV. What do
about MTV, I'm an adult.
*** Everyone's talking about how
stupid that Dairy Queen cashier was who
accepted a cartoonishly bogus $200 bill with Georgie Bush's picture on
she wasn't that stupid. I mean, she gave the right change. Maybe it's
stupidity, maybe it's just being from Kentucky, where education is so
only thing that could possibly pass is a fake $200 bill.
*** It was Groundhog Day today and
Puxatawney (why isn't my spell checker
working?) Phil did indeed see his shadow. This means he will keep on
shadow day in and day out for the next six weeks until he becomes a
Groundhog. Then he'll be eaten. Yummm!
*** On-Line retailer Amazon.com (ever
heard of that?) plans to stop
selling unprofitable products in a plan they're calling "Get the Crap
Out". Wow. This Jeff Bozos sure is a genius. Who else would think to
selling "unprofitable" products? I'm guessing the plan hasn't taken
effect yet, because you can still buy the entire line of "Freaky
Links" trading cards. And if they truly want to get the crap out, why
they still selling Lou Bega's CD?
*** "Good Morning America", the TV
show, will be airing a live
child birth on Tuesday. Good Morning Again, My Breakfast. Yuck! If they
want to boost ratings they should go with a live conception.
*** They say they've finally found the
missing remains of famed atheist
Madalyn Murray O'Hair. I won't believe until I see it. I need proof.
*** According to World Health
Organization experts people are getting fat.
According to mirrors people are getting fat, too. Where's my research
*** A survey by Progressive Insurance
Co. reveals that most Americans
favor their cars over their kids. That seems like a dangerous place to
over your kids, but I guess if people like it and they're careful, it's
*** Did you hear about that Long
Island teen who tried to rob a gas
station with a toilet plunger? What was he possibly thinking? "Gimme
your money or I'll --- I'll unclog your toilet." I wonder if the cops
considered giving this punk an Abner Louema? (goddamn you, spell
*** A man in Canada was arrested for
mailing dozens of packages of feces
across the country. That just goes to show how Canada and the United
differ. In this country we rely on politicians and talk radio hosts to
that stuff around.
*** Is anyone excited about the XFL? I
mean, besides Vince McMahon. Me? I
can't get excited about anything that's not at least Triple-X. Count me
*** If Puff Daddy goes to jail he'll
get a good idea of what it feels like
to be sampled.
*** Georgie Bush made his radio debut
last weekend. "America Held
Hostage: The Bush Years, Part Two". I was listening, just for the
effect, and I swear it must be the first ever broadcast of an audible
stare. He's really put the "ass" in compassionate conservative.
*** I'm sure hoping four years from
now Georgie and his crew get to play
their own White House pranks on the incoming president.
*** Why is Georgie spending so much
time with Ted Kennedy lately? To show
people what a real drinking problem looks like?
*** So, when you type "dumb
motherfucker" into Google, the
search engine's top result is a site about President Bush. Finally, an
search engine. We all knew he was dumb, but he's fucking his mother? I
do Barbara Bush with my dog's dick on the end of a ten-foot pole. At
without cameras running.
*** Somebody smuggled a three-ton
elephant into Mexico. Why? Isn't there
something a little smaller and potentially more profitable they
smuggled? Something like, I dunno, a truck full of heroin?
*** Safeway Supermarkets will no
longer be selling just Gingerbread Men
and will now be offering a line of Gingerbread Women. I hope they're
cutting the dicks off the Men and repackaging them, 'cause I really
rather eat a woman than a man any day of the week. I'll just have to
examine those Gingerbread vaginas before I dig in. Which would make me
world's first Gingerbread gynecologist, I guess.
*** A Berlin court has ordered heart
specialist Dr. Willi Heepe to pay
Arnold Schwarzenegger $4,700 and retract a statement that the actor
would die of
heart disease. Wait a minute, shouldn't we at least wait till Arnold's
Maybe the guy was right. Everbody's gotta die of something, right?
*** Lastly, you know the best thing
about getting a colonic? You've got
something up your ass that won't require an emergency room visit to
And, that’s that.
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