*** Why? First Bruce and Demi, then
Meg and Dennis, now Tom and Nicole.
Why? Why do movie stars have to have marital problems? For that matter,
they have to have any problems at all? They get paid the big big bucks
out our dreams and fantasies on a forty-foot screen. It's not because
genetically blessed and after 100 takes can give a reasonable facsimile
person. No. They represent us at our best. Only better. I just hate to
*** Hey Tom, I've got the perfect
woman for you and she really loves you.
You might know her. Rosie O'Donnell? I know she might seem a little out
for you, but you've got lots in common. She's in show business, so are
She's got adopted children, so do you. And you've both got pretty hot
soon-to-be-ex wives. Give her a call, you never know in this crazy
ours. But wait a few months so it doesn't look scandalous. There's
America wants to hear about less than celebrity scandals.
*** Why does every gun-toting
loner who shows up at the White House
automatically get pegged as a psycho? As an ex-psycho myself (sane for
months with a Psychos Anonymous chip to prove it), I resent it. I mean,
didn't even hurt anyone. Not even himself, a sharp-shooter did that for
what's the deal with these sharp-shooters surrounding the White House?
they get to carry guns at the White House and this poor schmuck
he just needs to learn how to shoot better.
*** Why is everyone still picking on
Bill Clinton? So, he stole a
few furnishings from the White House as he was leaving. So what. Who
stolen from their job on their last day? If I could've found pants big
would've stolen a chair or two from my last job. Geez. Give the guy a
*** Bill also made news for loudly
swapping lesbo jokes with Bob Kerry in
a Connecticut restaurant. (I wonder if they ordered the bearded clam?)
because Hillary's in Washington is no reason to start making jokes
Bill. At least not so's others can hear. "Inside voice" next time
*** And Georgie Bush insists his new
tax relief plan will benefit
everyone. Everyone he knows, at least. Millionaires and billionaires
*** "Whasssup!" has been voted the
most-hated catchphrase of the
past year. Well, it's certainly not one of the ones I hate most.
"What's that smell?" and "That creepy old guy keeps staring at
us". Those are the catchphrases I'm most tired of hearing.
*** Did y'all see those XFL
cheerleaders? You know what the difference
between an XFL cheerleader and a hooker is? I'm not paying for any
*** Who the hell is this Jason Biggs?
And why do they keep making movies
with him in it? You fuck one pie and you're a star? What do you get for
danish? I should at least have a supporting part in something by now.
*** Why is everyone so excited about
this "Hannibal" movie? Who
wants to watch a movie about a guy traveling around with a bunch of
Not me, I'd rather see a guy eat someone.
*** Did you hear about the
104-year-old Russian woman who grew new teeth?
Unfortunately, they're in her vagina. I guess she can just switch from
diaphragm to a dental dam, so it shouldn't put an end to her sex life.
good news, cause she is hot.
*** Tell me again why everyone's so
upset with this Eminem character. I've
seen him on TV talking to Dennis Miller. He seems like a cuddly piece
over-sized candy, nothing more. Get over it folks, he's harmless.
*** "Baywatch" has been cancelled. I
know what you're thinking,
it just hasn't been the same T&A jiggle-fest without David
around. What are all these great actresses gonna do now? There's only
strip clubs hiring. Did somebody say Hooters?
*** The Afghan Whigs are calling it
quits. Since the death of Steve Allen
there's really not much call for really bad whigs.
*** According to the Henry J. Kaiser
Family Foundation there's more sex on
TV. What channel is this guy watching? Even the Spice Channel has too
between screwings. Leave it to a "Family" foundation to point out
something everyone knows isn't true.
*** Speaking of sex, Valentine's Day
is coming up, so here's some tips for
guys out there hoping to get
1. Take a shower. I don't care how clean you
think you are, even if you just showered last week, do it. Women can
pick up the
tiniest scent. Even from across a crowded
2. Find a suitable partner, even
if you have to inflate her
3. Lie. Whatever you do, don't tell them
you're just there for the sex. Make them feel special, like you care
they think or how their day was. Just work out the cost beforehand and
bring it up again. Good luck men.
*** Japan has banned the sale of a
soft drink containing ingredients found
in Viagra. I'll bet it was called 7- inch Up.
*** The University of Illinois is now
teaching a class in Oprah. Hey, I
knew she was packing the weight on again, but is she that big that they
hold a college class inside her? And, who really wants to spend time in
anyway? Is this what parents are spending 30-plus grand a year for? I
*** It seems the U.S. Army is running
out of bullets. Now I know why
everyone's so upset at that guy shooting at the White House. He was
*** Did you hear about the Naked
Doctor in Florida? He was seeing patients
while he was naked. Well, what's wrong with that? That's the way I
doctor growing up. Also, I'll bet it's so much easier to do prostate
that extra digit handy.
*** Florida leads the world in shark
attacks. I'll bet it was all those
lawyers and politicians vacationing there after the election that put
*** In other Florida news, Miami mayor
Joe Carolla was arrested for
hitting his wife with a tea pot. She was rushed to a nearby hospital
examining doctor first undressed and then treated her for minor
*** Hugh Hefner is now with seven
women. "Seven Broads for Seven
*** According to new research people
in their 20's and 30's are
experiencing severe memory loss from over-reliance on computer
technology. I had
a thought on that, where did I put it? Oh, fuck it.
*** There's a new co-host for Regis.
Kelly Ripa has been picked to fill
Kathie Lee Gifford's shoes. I sure hope those aren't the same shoes
made by third world kids for pennies.
*** Lastly, you know the worst thing
about getting a colonic? The anal
And, that’s that.
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