*** Hey Tom, I've got the perfect woman for you and she really loves you. You might know her. Rosie O'Donnell? I know she might seem a little out of reach for you, but you've got lots in common. She's in show business, so are you. She's got adopted children, so do you. And you've both got pretty hot soon-to-be-ex wives. Give her a call, you never know in this crazy world of ours. But wait a few months so it doesn't look scandalous. There's nothing America wants to hear about less than celebrity scandals.

 *** Why does every gun-toting loner who shows up at the White House automatically get pegged as a psycho? As an ex-psycho myself (sane for three months with a Psychos Anonymous chip to prove it), I resent it. I mean, this guy didn't even hurt anyone. Not even himself, a sharp-shooter did that for him. And what's the deal with these sharp-shooters surrounding the White House? How come they get to carry guns at the White House and this poor schmuck doesn't? Maybe he just needs to learn how to shoot better. 

*** Why is everyone still picking on Bill Clinton? So, he stole  a few furnishings from the White House as he was leaving. So what. Who hasn't stolen from their job on their last day? If I could've found pants big enough I would've stolen a chair or two from my last job. Geez. Give the guy a break. 

*** Bill also made news for loudly swapping lesbo jokes with Bob Kerry in a Connecticut restaurant. (I wonder if they ordered the bearded clam?) Just because Hillary's in Washington is no reason to start making jokes about her, Bill. At least not so's others can hear. "Inside voice" next time boys, okay?

*** And Georgie Bush insists his new tax relief plan will benefit everyone. Everyone he knows, at least. Millionaires and billionaires alike.

*** "Whasssup!" has been voted the most-hated catchphrase of the past year. Well, it's certainly not one of the ones I hate most. "Ewwww!", "What's that smell?" and "That creepy old guy keeps staring at us". Those are the catchphrases I'm most tired of hearing.

*** Did y'all see those XFL cheerleaders? You know what the difference between an XFL cheerleader and a hooker is? I'm not paying for any cheers.

*** Who the hell is this Jason Biggs? And why do they keep making movies with him in it? You fuck one pie and you're a star? What do you get for doing a danish? I should at least have a supporting part in something by now. C'mon.

*** Why is everyone so excited about this "Hannibal" movie? Who wants to watch a movie about a guy traveling around with a bunch of elephants? Not me, I'd rather see a guy eat someone. 

*** Did you hear about the 104-year-old Russian woman who grew new teeth? Unfortunately, they're in her vagina. I guess she can just switch from a diaphragm to a dental dam, so it shouldn't put an end to her sex life. That's good news, cause she is hot.

*** Tell me again why everyone's so upset with this Eminem character. I've seen him on TV talking to Dennis Miller. He seems like a cuddly piece of over-sized candy, nothing more. Get over it folks, he's harmless.

*** "Baywatch" has been cancelled. I know what you're thinking, it just hasn't been the same T&A jiggle-fest without David Hasselhoff around. What are all these great actresses gonna do now? There's only so many strip clubs hiring. Did somebody say Hooters?

*** The Afghan Whigs are calling it quits. Since the death of Steve Allen there's really not much call for really bad whigs.

*** According to the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation there's more sex on TV. What channel is this guy watching? Even the Spice Channel has too much plot between screwings. Leave it to a "Family" foundation to point out something everyone knows isn't true. 

*** Speaking of sex, Valentine's Day is coming up, so here's some tips for guys out there hoping to get laid:                                                                                                           1. Take a shower. I don't care how clean you think you are, even if you just showered last week, do it. Women can pick up the tiniest scent. Even from across a crowded room.                                                                                                                                          2. Find a suitable partner, even if you have to inflate her yourself.                                      3. Lie. Whatever you do, don't tell them you're just there for the sex. Make them feel special, like you care about what they think or how their day was. Just work out the cost beforehand and never bring it up again. Good luck men.

*** Japan has banned the sale of a soft drink containing ingredients found in Viagra. I'll bet it was called 7- inch Up.

*** The University of Illinois is now teaching a class in Oprah. Hey, I knew she was packing the weight on again, but is she that big that they can now hold a college class inside her? And, who really wants to spend time in Oprah anyway? Is this what parents are spending 30-plus grand a year for? I don't think so. 

*** It seems the U.S. Army is running out of bullets. Now I know why everyone's so upset at that guy shooting at the White House. He was wasting ammo.

*** Did you hear about the Naked Doctor in Florida? He was seeing patients while he was naked. Well, what's wrong with that? That's the way I always played doctor growing up. Also, I'll bet it's so much easier to do prostate exams with that extra digit handy. 

*** Florida leads the world in shark attacks. I'll bet it was all those lawyers and politicians vacationing there after the election that put them over the top.

*** In other Florida news, Miami mayor Joe Carolla was arrested for hitting his wife with a tea pot. She was rushed to a nearby hospital where the examining doctor first undressed and then treated her for minor injuries.

*** Hugh Hefner is now with seven women. "Seven Broads for Seven Inches".

*** According to new research people in their 20's and 30's are experiencing severe memory loss from over-reliance on computer technology. I had a thought on that, where did I put it? Oh, fuck it.

*** There's a new co-host for Regis. Kelly Ripa has been picked to fill Kathie Lee Gifford's shoes. I sure hope those aren't the same shoes that were made by third world kids for pennies.