*** Sorry for the delay in getting a
new column up. I passed out during half time of the Super Bowl and I
just came to. Last score I remember was Baltimore Ravens 10, Giants 0.
Just don't tell me who won. I taped it.
*** The Oscar nominations were
announced today with "Lord of the Rings" leading the pack with 12. Just
imagine how many more nominations it would have garnered if only it had
*** "Moulin Rouge" surprised everyone
by getting 8 nominations. Including one in the brand new "Gayest"
*** If they're gonna start giving out
awards to the "Gayest" in motion pictures, then they owe Clifton
Webb at least half a dozen posthumous Oscars.
*** I don't wanna brag here, but I've
known for about twenty years now that Sissy Spacek does her best acting
"In The Bedroom".
*** I guess the Academy has some sort
of memory problem. They completely forgot about "Memento".
*** The real question come Oscar night
won't be, "Will Russel Crowe take home another statuette?", but,
rather, "Who will take Russell home?" and "Who will eat Crowe?"
*** So, here's my Oscar predictions:
long and boring.
*** And with Whoopi Goldberg hosting
it's sure to be more of both.
*** When they talk about the "Olympic
Flame" I'm never sure if they're referring to Greg Louganis, Scott
Hamilton, or Dick Button?
*** I think you've got to be really
out of control gay to even need a dick button.
*** What's the plural of "Olympic
Flame"? The U.S. Men's Figure Skating team.
*** So, former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay
will show up in Washington but plans to take the fifth. He'll be the
sixth Enron exec to take the fifth. If I remember my basic math
correctly, can't there only be five fifths in anything? Are these guys
so greedy they're trying to divvy up six fifths? No wonder the company
*** Do you think Ken Lay really knows
nothing as he claims? If so, it would certainly explain what he had in
common with our president.
*** If Greta Van Sustern is so damn
smart, why does she look so surprised by everything anymore?
*** Now that she's had plastic surgery
shouldn't she have to change her name to Greta "Vain" Sustern?
*** Finally got around to seeing that
documentary about porn star Ron Jeremy. This guy is one butt-ugly
motherfucker. And I don't mean to imply that just his ass is ugly. This
is a butt-ugliness that's systemic.
*** He's so ugly if those cameras
weren't turned on none of his partners would be either.
*** He's so ugly he makes me look like
a, well, like a big fat balding loser who couldn't get laid for $50 by
a $10 crack whore with a mob debt. But that's beside the point.
*** Instead of calling this a
documentary, wouldn't it be more accurate to call it a "cockumentary"?
Or a "dickumentary"? Your choice.
*** Did you hear about Meg Ryan's
stalker? Wouldn't that be a great part for Tom Hanks when they make the
*** Tuesday is Valentine's Day. And if
you haven't bought that special something for your special someone yet,
I know at least one thing about you. You're a guy.
*** If you're depressed because you're
all alone with no one to love on Valentine's Day, just remember: it
could be worse. You could have no one love and be married.
*** Lastly, Dr. Laura Schlessinger has
a new book out, "10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their
Relationships". Ironically, number one is "Listen to anything Dr. Laura
has to say".
And, that’s that.
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