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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 02-12-02

*** Sorry for the delay in getting a new column up. I passed out during half time of the Super Bowl and I just came to. Last score I remember was Baltimore Ravens 10, Giants 0. Just don't tell me who won. I taped it.

*** The Oscar nominations were announced today with "Lord of the Rings" leading the pack with 12. Just imagine how many more nominations it would have garnered if only it had an ending.

*** "Moulin Rouge" surprised everyone by getting 8 nominations. Including one in the brand new "Gayest" category.

*** If they're gonna start giving out awards to the "Gayest" in motion pictures, then they owe Clifton Webb at least half a dozen posthumous Oscars.

*** I don't wanna brag here, but I've known for about twenty years now that Sissy Spacek does her best acting "In The Bedroom".

*** I guess the Academy has some sort of memory problem. They completely forgot about "Memento".

*** The real question come Oscar night won't be, "Will Russel Crowe take home another statuette?", but, rather, "Who will take Russell home?" and "Who will eat Crowe?"

*** So, here's my Oscar predictions: long and boring.

*** And with Whoopi Goldberg hosting it's sure to be more of both.

*** When they talk about the "Olympic Flame" I'm never sure if they're referring to Greg Louganis, Scott Hamilton, or Dick Button?

*** I think you've got to be really out of control gay to even need a dick button.

*** What's the plural of "Olympic Flame"? The U.S. Men's Figure Skating team.

*** So, former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay will show up in Washington but plans to take the fifth. He'll be the sixth Enron exec to take the fifth. If I remember my basic math correctly, can't there only be five fifths in anything? Are these guys so greedy they're trying to divvy up six fifths? No wonder the company went bust.

*** Do you think Ken Lay really knows nothing as he claims? If so, it would certainly explain what he had in common with our president.

*** If Greta Van Sustern is so damn smart, why does she look so surprised by everything anymore?

*** Now that she's had plastic surgery shouldn't she have to change her name to Greta "Vain" Sustern?

*** Finally got around to seeing that documentary about porn star Ron Jeremy. This guy is one butt-ugly motherfucker. And I don't mean to imply that just his ass is ugly. This is a butt-ugliness that's systemic.

*** He's so ugly if those cameras weren't turned on none of his partners would be either.

*** He's so ugly he makes me look like a, well, like a big fat balding loser who couldn't get laid for $50 by a $10 crack whore with a mob debt. But that's beside the point.

*** Instead of calling this a documentary, wouldn't it be more accurate to call it a "cockumentary"? Or a "dickumentary"? Your choice.

*** Did you hear about Meg Ryan's stalker? Wouldn't that be a great part for Tom Hanks when they make the movie?

*** Tuesday is Valentine's Day. And if you haven't bought that special something for your special someone yet, I know at least one thing about you. You're a guy.

*** If you're depressed because you're all alone with no one to love on Valentine's Day, just remember: it could be worse. You could have no one love and be married.

*** Lastly, Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a new book out, "10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships". Ironically, number one is "Listen to anything Dr. Laura has to say".

And, that’s that.

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