*** We're bombing Iraq again, folks! This Georgie Bush is amazing. He's got his dad's name, his dad's job, many members of his dad's old cabinet, and now he's re-fighting his dad's war. Why doesn't he just fuck his mother and get all this over with already?

*** Sean "Puffy" Combs and Jennifer Lopez broke up this week. How can he leave her behind?

*** It's Oscar Time and Oscar Fever is in the air. So get your shots ASAP. You might need a booster shot halfway through the broadcast, but do it anyway. It'll be an honor just to be inoculated.

*** "Gladiator" was the big winner garnering 12 nominations. So many sweaty men wrestling you'd think they were filming my dreams.

*** If Tom Hanks can spend 90 minutes of screen time in silence, why can't Adam Sandler? Please?! You might win an award.

*** Ed Harris got a surprise nomination for this movie "Pollock". It's about him and three other guys trying to screw in a light bulb.

*** Laura Linney got a surprise nomination for "You Can Count On Me". Apparently, in this movie she plays a calculator.

*** It looks like Napster will be closing up shop any day now. A federal appeals court has ruled against them. Damn! Another week and I could've finished downloading "The Pina Coloda Song" with my 26k modem. Well, it's back to shoplifting for me.

*** Did you hear about that Taiwanese woman who had a cell phone removed from her ass? Is that what they mean by phone sex? If so, I've been doing it wrong all these years. And paying way too much for it too. $4.95 a minute?! Hah! The only people who would find that a bargain are premature ejaculators. Me? I'm paying $5 or $6 a shot.

*** I wonder if she had colon-waiting on that phone? 

*** Maybe she just had her head up her ass and wanted to make sure she could hear who she was talking to. Maybe.

*** President Clinton will be locating his new offices in Harlem. I guess he figures you can't get further away from Republicans than Harlem. 

*** Martin Sheen has called George W. Bush a moron. I gotta figure he knows what he's talking about. Who knows more about morons than someone who's raised two of them?

*** There's a new book out that claims monkeys can do arithmetic. Don't I know it. They can certainly tell the difference between #1 and #2, and know exactly which one to fling at me when I'm at the zoo.

*** New German research suggests that injections of botulism toxin can help put an end to sweating. It can also put an end to heartbeats, breathing and erections. 

*** The Cato Institute, a so-called Washington think tank, has called Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura one of the nation's top governors. Just a guess here, he's one of the top fifty, right?

*** A paraplegic was tossed around by fans at an XFL game at the Los Angeles Coliseum. I hear when he landed on the field he was immediately fumbled. And then kicked for a field goal. Poor guy. Can't walk and can't even get to a real football game.

*** The Anna Kornikouva virus does sound like it might be a sexually-transmitted disease. I'm not only telling everyone I've got it, I'm bragging about it.

*** Australian Mitch Hallen married his TV on Valentine's Day. On their wedding night they had a three-way with his VCR.

*** He's gonna have a hard time turning his wife on when the batteries go on his remote.

*** The bikini worn by Ursula Andress in the film "Dr. No" was sold at auction for $60,000. What? Why? For just $60 you could probably get Ursula Andress these days. 

*** All the TV networks have agreed to work out a way to correct their blunders from the last election. Does this mean Gore is now President?

*** Eminem has agreed to plead guilty to a charge of carrying a concealed weapon. And I thought he was just happy to see me.