*** Did you hear about "Yo Momma's
Last Supper"? It's a painting
being exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum that depicts Jesus as a naked
woman. Yo Momma's so horny, when she said "Eat of my body and drink of
blood" it just meant she was menstruating. Yo Momma's so crucified,
the disciples nailed her. Yo Momma's so ig'nant, she thought dressing
meant that's what would be served.
*** We're bombing Iraq again, folks!
This Georgie Bush is amazing. He's got
his dad's name, his dad's job, many members of his dad's old cabinet,
he's re-fighting his dad's war. Why doesn't he just fuck his mother and
this over with already?
*** Sean "Puffy" Combs and Jennifer
Lopez broke up this week. How
can he leave her behind?
*** It's Oscar Time and Oscar Fever is
in the air. So get your shots ASAP.
You might need a booster shot halfway through the broadcast, but do it
It'll be an honor just to be inoculated.
*** "Gladiator" was the big winner
garnering 12 nominations. So
many sweaty men wrestling you'd think they were filming my dreams.
*** If Tom Hanks can spend 90 minutes
of screen time in silence, why can't
Adam Sandler? Please?! You might win an award.
*** Ed Harris got a surprise
nomination for this movie "Pollock".
It's about him and three other guys trying to screw in a light bulb.
*** Laura Linney got a surprise
nomination for "You Can Count On
Me". Apparently, in this movie she plays a calculator.
*** It looks like Napster will be
closing up shop any day now. A federal
appeals court has ruled against them. Damn! Another week and I could've
downloading "The Pina Coloda Song" with my 26k modem. Well, it's back
to shoplifting for me.
*** Did you hear about that Taiwanese
woman who had a cell phone removed from
her ass? Is that what they mean by phone sex? If so, I've been doing it
all these years. And paying way too much for it too. $4.95 a minute?!
only people who would find that a bargain are premature ejaculators.
paying $5 or $6 a shot.
*** I wonder if she had colon-waiting
on that phone?
*** Maybe she just had her head up her
ass and wanted to make sure she could
hear who she was talking to. Maybe.
*** President Clinton will be locating
his new offices in Harlem. I guess he
figures you can't get further away from Republicans than Harlem.
*** Martin Sheen has called George W.
Bush a moron. I gotta figure he knows
what he's talking about. Who knows more about morons than someone who's
two of them?
*** There's a new book out that claims
monkeys can do arithmetic. Don't I
know it. They can certainly tell the difference between #1 and #2, and
exactly which one to fling at me when I'm at the zoo.
*** New German research suggests that
injections of botulism toxin can help
put an end to sweating. It can also put an end to heartbeats, breathing
*** The Cato Institute, a so-called
Washington think tank, has called
Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura one of the nation's top governors.
Just a guess
here, he's one of the top fifty, right?
*** A paraplegic was tossed around by
fans at an XFL game at the Los Angeles
Coliseum. I hear when he landed on the field he was immediately
then kicked for a field goal. Poor guy. Can't walk and can't even get
to a real
*** The Anna Kornikouva virus does
sound like it might be a
sexually-transmitted disease. I'm not only telling everyone I've got
bragging about it.
*** Australian Mitch Hallen married
his TV on Valentine's Day. On their
wedding night they had a three-way with his VCR.
*** He's gonna have a hard time
turning his wife on when the batteries go on
*** The bikini worn by Ursula Andress
in the film "Dr. No" was sold
at auction for $60,000. What? Why? For just $60 you could probably get
Andress these days.
*** All the TV networks have agreed to
work out a way to correct their
blunders from the last election. Does this mean Gore is now President?
*** Eminem has agreed to plead guilty
to a charge of carrying a concealed
weapon. And I thought he was just happy to see me.
*** Lastly, Khalid Muhammad is dead.
The Million Mourner March is scheduled for
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