*** The only Winter Olympic event I'm into is the Women's Speed Skating. I've always liked fast women.

*** Why is everyone so upset about that Georgia crematory with the shed full of uncremated dead bodies? I mean, who among us hasn't let our work pile up on us?

*** If you take the money and the dead body and promise a cremation but don't do it --- would it be fair to say you've stiffed people?

*** Kinda makes the guy sound like an ash-hole.

*** I know it sounds horrible. But in his defense, he didn't make the dead bodies he just stacked them.

*** Here's the Jayson Williams play-by-play: "He Shoots! He Kills!"

*** Rosie O'Donnell has a new book coming out. And, no, that's not the title.

*** In the book she tells the world she's gay. So, I'm guessing the title's "Am I The Only One Who Didn't Know This?"

*** The animatronic George W. Bush made its official debut at Walt Disney World this week. If the Bush robot's in Disney World, who's running the country?

*** And when I say "running the country" I really mean "being our national hood ornament". We all know who really runs things. Damn those Olsen Twins.

*** Doesn't Disney World already have a Goofy?

*** The House OK'd a campaign finance reform bill that would outlaw "soft money". I guess this means that all future bribes will only be accepted in quarters, nickels and dimes.

*** Hitler's secretary died this week. One of the few people to have ever taken dictation from an actual dictator.

*** Did you hear about the two gay guys who were having sex in an airplane bathroom? It set off all kinds of terrorist alerts when all they were doing was crack. Each others.

*** Britney Spears and boyfriend Justin Timberlake are planning to do a remake of "Love Story". If I remember correctly, in the original film the girl dies. I'm thinking a lot people will be lining up to see Timberlake croak.

*** Love may mean never having to say you're sorry, but a "Love Story" remake sounds like the apologizing should start now.

*** Burt Reynolds will play God on "The X-Files". The first Act of God? Get a new agent. And then? A new toupee.

*** Country great Waylon Jennings is dead. First he lost his foot, now he's lost his life. Is this guy careless, or what?

*** "Futurama" has been cancelled. Gee, I wonder if Bender will go on a drinking binge.

*** CNN has cancelled "Greenfield at Large". I guess they finally caught him.

*** A new study says that people who sleep less live longer. And people who wake people up when they're sleeping die sooner.

*** You know, I'd really much rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. Is there some kinda correspondence course I can take?

*** By the way, smart asses prefer Marcal. It's "Now Softer!"

*** At this point in time the only people who can still blame all their problems on 9/11 are people whose birthday is September 11th.

*** Some people say "lay" some people say "lie", but when it comes to Kenneth it doesn't matter. We know who you mean.