*** Racing legend Dale Earnhart is
dead. During his funeral procession the
hearse was stopped eleven times. Nine times for speeding, twice by the
*** They now say he died because his
seatbelt was broken. Silly me, I
thought it was because of that big old crash.
*** In other driving news, Roger
Clinton was arrested for drunk driving.
His brother's out of office only a month and Roger's already gone from
*** In other Clinton scandal news,
Huge Rodham, Hillary's brother,
accepted $400,000 from some associates who had just been pardoned by
Bill. I keep reading how this is a complete violation of all political
And how. Don't these people know enough to get paid in advance?
*** You know, Georgie Bush has been
president for a month and he's only
signed one piece of legislation - a resolution congratulating Ronald
his 90th birthday. This is just what I was hoping for when Georgie
president. That he'd be just like his dad: a do-nothing president.
*** Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Roseanne says
she hates sex and has told her
husband to go have sex with other people. Doesn't Roseanne have about
personalities? She IS other people.
*** Cloning teams have successfully
crossed pig and human DNA. What do you
get when you cross a pig with a human? 52 of Roseanne's 53
the 53rd they'll just have to add a drop of Retsin.
*** Steely Dan won big at this year's
Grammys. It's good to see the
steam-powered dildo making a comeback. Who has time to keep changing
*** You know I once saw Steely Dan in
concert. They came out and I think
it was Becker, could've been Fagan (I can't really tell them apart, but
them has a minty penis), who yelled out, "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?" The
crowd roared an enthusiastic "YES!" and then got up and left.
*** Darryl Strawberry has been offered
a job advising minor league players
how to avoid the pitfalls of drugs. This is the easiest job in the
Darryl. All he has to do is tell them: "Use someone else's
*** Ricky Martin is all set to play an
assassin in an upcoming movie.
Ricky Martin as an assassin? I don't see it. Maybe he was just confused
thought the script said ASS ASS IN. Now that sounds like Ricky.
*** Naked News is looking for help.
I'll take the job for $300 a week. I
can't afford more than that.
*** Sad news: Drew Barrymore's house
burned down this past week. I kept
telling her, if you're gonna start fucking someone as hot as Tom Green,
can't stay indoors. Nobody listens to me.
*** The man most responsible for my
mastering my johnson, sex researcher
Dr. William H. Masters is dead. He was 85. This is the stiffest he's
without Viagra in 30 years.
*** San Francisco plans to become the
first U.S. city to finance sex
change operations for city workers under its health care benefits
employees could claim up to $50,000 of the cost. Fifty Thousand
I'll cut off your dick for half that. Lorena Bobbitt would probably do
nothing if you just pissed her off enough. Who knew it cost so much to
*** Let's hope this doesn't inspire a
new anthem, "I Left My Balls in
*** Malaysia is suffering a
hairdresser shortage. Don't they have
homosexuals over there? I mean, c'mon, just check the closets. Problem
*** I see in the paper that Kohl's has
a sale on bras, 50% off. I prefer
my bras 100% off, thank you very much.
*** Is that Dr. Phil guy a real boob
or what? Did you see him last week
wrapping up his weight loss advice? He seems a bit tubby to me. And so
Oprah. If they can't follow their own advice, what the hell are they
for? I swear, this Dr. Phil couldn't be more a boob if he had a nipple
*** Did you hear about the O.J.
Simpson porno? Apparently he does two
women in three and a half minutes. Well, it's not quite long
enough for my
purposes, but it might offer some good time management tips. Very
*** A team of psychologists from the
University of Leicester are doing
research to determine if the music of Duran Duran can help cattle
milk. So far the results are inconclusive, but the cattle's vomit
*** A naked dwarf showed up at the
German home of Claudia Schiffer's mom.
Looking, of course, for Claudia Schiffer. Apparently he wanted to go up
*** Spurred by complaints from a Ms.
Comelita Brown, California police
officers have been instructed to stop writing the letter N on black
speeding tickets. They've been told to use the letter B instead. Gee, I
hope it's not B for Bee-atch. If you think the sisters are complaining
wait till you start calling them Bee-atches!
*** Did you hear about that New Jersey
guy who killed his roommate when he
loaded up an antique rifle with cigarette butts and then shot him?
Expect a new
Surgeon General's warning any day now: "Don't be stupid, you moron!"
*** And lastly, Roger Weisskopf has
won a lifetime supply of toilet paper
on a German TV show after proving his ability to identify different
taste. Who toilet trained this guy? How would anyone even know they
this? As a kid on Halloween, while other kids swapped candy, did he
around picking the toilet paper from the trees? And, if he's eating
is he wiping his ass with hot dog buns? I'm just asking. This guy's
busy chewing to answer.
And, that's that.
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