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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 02-23-01

*** Racing legend Dale Earnhart is dead. During his funeral procession the hearse was stopped eleven times. Nine times for speeding, twice by the pit crew.

*** They now say he died because his seatbelt was broken. Silly me, I thought it was because of that big old crash. 

*** In other driving news, Roger Clinton was arrested for drunk driving. His brother's out of office only a month and Roger's already gone from DUH to DUI. 

*** In other Clinton scandal news, Huge Rodham, Hillary's brother, accepted $400,000 from some associates who had just been pardoned by President Bill. I keep reading how this is a complete violation of all political ethics. And how. Don't these people know enough to get paid in advance?

*** You know, Georgie Bush has been president for a month and he's only signed one piece of legislation - a resolution congratulating Ronald Reagan on his 90th birthday. This is just what I was hoping for when Georgie became president. That he'd be just like his dad: a do-nothing president.

*** Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Roseanne says she hates sex and has told her husband to go have sex with other people. Doesn't Roseanne have about 53 personalities? She IS other people.

*** Cloning teams have successfully crossed pig and human DNA. What do you get when you cross a pig with a human? 52 of Roseanne's 53 personalities. For the 53rd they'll just have to add a drop of Retsin.

*** Steely Dan won big at this year's Grammys. It's good to see the steam-powered dildo making a comeback. Who has time to keep changing batteries?

*** You know I once saw Steely Dan in concert. They came out and I think it was Becker, could've been Fagan (I can't really tell them apart, but one of them has a minty penis), who yelled out, "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?" The crowd roared an enthusiastic "YES!" and then got up and left. 

*** Darryl Strawberry has been offered a job advising minor league players how to avoid the pitfalls of drugs. This is the easiest job in the world for Darryl. All he has to do is tell them: "Use someone else's urine." 

*** Ricky Martin is all set to play an assassin in an upcoming movie. Ricky Martin as an assassin? I don't see it. Maybe he was just confused and thought the script said ASS ASS IN. Now that sounds like Ricky.

*** Naked News is looking for help. I'll take the job for $300 a week. I can't afford more than that.

*** Sad news: Drew Barrymore's house burned down this past week. I kept telling her, if you're gonna start fucking someone as hot as Tom Green, you can't stay indoors. Nobody listens to me.

*** The man most responsible for my mastering my johnson, sex researcher Dr. William H. Masters is dead. He was 85. This is the stiffest he's been without Viagra in 30 years.

*** San Francisco plans to become the first U.S. city to finance sex change operations for city workers under its health care benefits program. City employees could claim up to $50,000 of the cost. Fifty Thousand Dollars?!! Hey, I'll cut off your dick for half that. Lorena Bobbitt would probably do it for nothing if you just pissed her off enough. Who knew it cost so much to lose so much? 

*** Let's hope this doesn't inspire a new anthem, "I Left My Balls in San Francisco".

*** Malaysia is suffering a hairdresser shortage. Don't they have homosexuals over there? I mean, c'mon, just check the closets. Problem solved.

*** I see in the paper that Kohl's has a sale on bras, 50% off. I prefer my bras 100% off, thank you very much.

*** Is that Dr. Phil guy a real boob or what? Did you see him last week wrapping up his weight loss advice? He seems a bit tubby to me. And so does Oprah. If they can't follow their own advice, what the hell are they telling me for? I swear, this Dr. Phil couldn't be more a boob if he had a nipple on his head.

*** Did you hear about the O.J. Simpson porno? Apparently he does two women in three and a half  minutes. Well, it's not quite long enough for my purposes, but it might offer some good time management tips. Very efficient, O.J., very efficient.

*** A team of psychologists from the University of Leicester are doing research to determine if the music of Duran Duran can help cattle produce more milk. So far the results are inconclusive, but the cattle's vomit production is way up.

*** A naked dwarf showed up at the German home of Claudia Schiffer's mom. Looking, of course, for Claudia Schiffer. Apparently he wanted to go up on her.

*** Spurred by complaints from a Ms. Comelita Brown, California police officers have been instructed to stop writing the letter N on black people's speeding tickets. They've been told to use the letter B instead. Gee, I sure hope it's not B for Bee-atch. If you think the sisters are complaining now just wait till you start calling them Bee-atches!

*** Did you hear about that New Jersey guy who killed his roommate when he loaded up an antique rifle with cigarette butts and then shot him? Expect a new Surgeon General's warning any day now: "Don't be stupid, you moron!"

*** And lastly, Roger Weisskopf has won a lifetime supply of toilet paper on a German TV show after proving his ability to identify different brands by taste. Who toilet trained this guy? How would anyone even know they could do this? As a kid on Halloween, while other kids swapped candy, did he just go around picking the toilet paper from the trees? And, if he's eating toilet paper is he wiping his ass with hot dog buns? I'm just asking. This guy's probably too busy chewing to answer.

And, that's that.

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