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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-02-01

*** Anyone see Bush speak this week? No, not the Vagina Monologue. I'm talking about our new president, an altogether different kind of hole. 

*** "The State of the Union is sound." Yeah, and so was that speech. Christ, I haven't heard so much audible hot air since I stopped eating Chinese food.

*** If this Bush tax cut proposal works anything like all previous presidential tax cut proposals, we're doomed. I think one day we'll all be willing to trade our income for the income tax we've paid. And that day's coming. Fast.

*** So, some newspaper somewhere (I'd be able to read this better if my dog didn't beat me to the paper) did a final tally on those disputed votes in Flori-duh! And, guess what? Al Gore really is a loser. I think even some people who voted for him already knew that. 

*** Did you hear about those New York doctors who operated on the wrong side of a guy's brain? Well, knowing where guys brains are located, I'll bet the guy's half nuts about this.

*** It now costs $10 to see a movie in Manhattan. $210 if you plan on parking.

*** Harrison Ford is all set to earn $25 million dollars for 20 days work on his next movie. That averages out to about $8 million for every "Six Days, Seven Nights". And we all know how well that did.

*** Baseball's spring training started this week. All the players get to practice up for the year ahead: scratching, peeing in a cup, and denying everything.

*** Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt have finally teamed up at the multiplexes. "Pretty Woman" meets "Pretty Woman".

*** Matthew Perry is back in rehab. He said, "I can't wait to get back to entertaining the world." Doesn't he know we find his problems more amusing than his sitcom? And just about anything more amusing than his movies?

*** Michael Jackson broke his foot this past week. Too bad. That was the only original part of his body left. On the plus side, he will introduce a new dance in his next video: Moon Limping.

*** It seems that Jennifer Lopez will not take the stand during the Puff Daddy trial. I guess she won't have to back that ass up after all.

*** Eminem says that he didn't know Elton John was gay before agreeing to that duet on the Grammys. If this guy couldn't tell Elton John is gay, odds are he couldn't spot a gay guy if he saw one in his own mirror. 

*** If this Eminem character doesn't go to jail for his weapons possession charges I think we should throw him in there anyway for rhymes against humanity.

*** I was watching that Judy Garland miniseries with Richard Simmons. Does that make me gay?

*** They found some pipes near Shakespeare's home that have led some researchers to suspect that Willie might have been a pothead. "Doobie or not doobie? That's not even a question." "I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Dave's not here, man."

*** If you're looking for someone to blame for this earthquake in Seattle, I say it's the Earth's fault.

*** The Seattle quake registered 6.8 on the Richter scale, but Ebert didn't seem to like it as much.

*** All copyrighted materials will be yanked off Napster sometime this weekend. This led Napster founder Hank Barry to issue the following statement: "What the hell is a copyright? Are they just making things up now?"

*** A new study has found that 50 million Americans suffer from ringing in the ears. How small are they making these cell phones now? Are they just falling in?

*** Bill Clinton defended his pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich saying that there was "absolutely no quid pro quo" involved. That, of course, depends on what your meaning of "quid", "pro", "quo", "absolutely", and "no" are. 

*** Plans are in the works for a live action version of the Bill Cosby created "Fat Albert" cartoon. Casting is currently underway and I'd just like to make a suggestion: George W. Bush as Mush Mouth.

*** I can't wait till they do a live action version of "The Jackie Chan Adventures". Are you listening Hollywood?

*** One week after his dad was killed in a crash, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. crashed during a race. Like I always say, there's nothing like following in your father's skid marks.

*** It seems like the only thing eXtreme about the XFL is everyone's complete lack of interest. By the time they get to The Big Game At The End the only one watching will be Jesse Ventura. And he's only watching because they pay him. 

*** Mom never breast fed me until after the mastectomy. I just wish she would have cooked it a bit longer. 

*** Always the optimist, she liked to think of her bra as half-full.

And, that’s that.

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