*** Anyone see Bush speak this week?
No, not the Vagina Monologue. I'm
talking about our new president, an altogether different kind of
*** "The State of the Union is sound."
Yeah, and so was that
speech. Christ, I haven't heard so much audible hot air since I stopped
*** If this Bush tax cut proposal
works anything like all previous
presidential tax cut proposals, we're doomed. I think one day we'll all
willing to trade our income for the income tax we've paid. And that
*** So, some newspaper somewhere (I'd
be able to read this better if my
dog didn't beat me to the paper) did a final tally on those disputed
Flori-duh! And, guess what? Al Gore really is a loser. I think even
who voted for him already knew that.
*** Did you hear about those New York
doctors who operated on the wrong
side of a guy's brain? Well, knowing where guys brains are located,
I'll bet the
guy's half nuts about this.
*** It now costs $10 to see a movie in
Manhattan. $210 if you plan on
*** Harrison Ford is all set to earn
$25 million dollars for 20 days work
on his next movie. That averages out to about $8 million for every "Six
Days, Seven Nights". And we all know how well that did.
*** Baseball's spring training started
this week. All the players get to
practice up for the year ahead: scratching, peeing in a cup, and
*** Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt have
finally teamed up at the multiplexes.
"Pretty Woman" meets "Pretty Woman".
*** Matthew Perry is back in rehab. He
said, "I can't wait to get
back to entertaining the world." Doesn't he know we find his problems
amusing than his sitcom? And just about anything more amusing than his
*** Michael Jackson broke his foot
this past week. Too bad. That was the
only original part of his body left. On the plus side, he will
introduce a new
dance in his next video: Moon Limping.
*** It seems that Jennifer Lopez will
not take the stand during the Puff
Daddy trial. I guess she won't have to back that ass up after all.
*** Eminem says that he didn't know
Elton John was gay before agreeing to
that duet on the Grammys. If this guy couldn't tell Elton John is gay,
he couldn't spot a gay guy if he saw one in his own mirror.
*** If this Eminem character doesn't
go to jail for his weapons possession
charges I think we should throw him in there anyway for rhymes against
*** I was watching that Judy Garland
miniseries with Richard Simmons. Does
that make me gay?
*** They found some pipes near
Shakespeare's home that have led some
researchers to suspect that Willie might have been a pothead. "Doobie
not doobie? That's not even a question." "I've said it before and I'll
say it again, "Dave's not here, man."
*** If you're looking for someone to
blame for this earthquake in Seattle,
I say it's the Earth's fault.
*** The Seattle quake registered 6.8
on the Richter scale, but Ebert
didn't seem to like it as much.
*** All copyrighted materials will be
yanked off Napster sometime this
weekend. This led Napster founder Hank Barry to issue the following
"What the hell is a copyright? Are they just making things up now?"
*** A new study has found that 50
million Americans suffer from ringing in
the ears. How small are they making these cell phones now? Are they
*** Bill Clinton defended his pardon
of fugitive financier Marc Rich
saying that there was "absolutely no quid pro quo" involved. That, of
course, depends on what your meaning of "quid", "pro",
"quo", "absolutely", and "no" are.
*** Plans are in the works for a live
action version of the Bill Cosby
created "Fat Albert" cartoon. Casting is currently underway and I'd
just like to make a suggestion: George W. Bush as Mush Mouth.
*** I can't wait till they do a live
action version of "The Jackie
Chan Adventures". Are you listening Hollywood?
*** One week after his dad was killed
in a crash, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
crashed during a race. Like I always say, there's nothing like
following in your
father's skid marks.
*** It seems like the only thing
eXtreme about the XFL is everyone's
complete lack of interest. By the time they get to The Big Game At The
only one watching will be Jesse Ventura. And he's only watching because
*** Mom never breast fed me until
after the mastectomy. I just wish she
would have cooked it a bit longer.
*** Always the optimist, she liked to
think of her bra as half-full.
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