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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-05-02

*** It's a good thing there's a Shadow Government in place. You'd hate to think something like all out nuclear devastation would put an end to tax-paying.

*** If we all just stay in the dark this whole "Shadow" Government thing will just disappear.

*** I'd like to get me a Shadow Government night job. I'd never have to show up.

*** If they keep moving that Doomsday Clock ahead, we're all gonna lose sleep before the world ends.

*** George W. Bush has the solution to all our welfare problems. He's proposed spending $300 million on classes and TV ads to encourage poor single mothers to stay off welfare by getting married. This can only lead to one thing: a lot of poor married mothers on welfare.

*** Remember the Office of Strategic Influence? That's that government agency set up to spread false information. Well, guess what? They're closing it down. Or at least that's what they tell us.

*** Since when did we need a "special" government agency to lie to us?

*** A new survey reveals that 1 in 5 men view porno at work. The other 4 in 5 surveyed work for the Office of Strategic Influence.

*** I'd look at pornography at work but they just don't have a pornograph.

*** Michael Jordan had knee surgery this week. This will keep him out of at least the next five games. The Washington Wizards losing streak is expected to end when he returns.

*** Brace yourself. Tom Cruise is wired. What a Big Pussy!

*** They announced the new Monday Night Football team and Dennis Miller is out. This really has to Madden him.

*** Amy Fisher has had to back out of her Fox TV boxing match with Tonya Harding. She said, "I need this kind of publicity like I need a hole in the head!"

*** So now Paula Jones will box Tonya Harding. My money's on Tonya. Paula Jones is just useless when it comes to blows.

*** I don't think this is such a good idea. I mean, who besides Bill Clinton really wants to see Paula Jones' box?

*** Hey, Jay Leno! South Koreans don't "kick" and then eat their dogs. They "cook" and then eat their dogs. Get it right next time, okay?

*** Linda Tripp has breast cancer. That had to be discovered by self-exam. I can't imagine even a doctor going near that.

*** CDG Books Canada, publisher of the "For Dummies" how-to books, is shutting down. Well, that's good news. Now when I want to buy a book I won't have to spend hours trying to figure out if I'm more of a "Dummy" or a "Complete Idiot".

*** Now I can just walk into any bookstore and buy books for "Complete Idiots" just like everyone else. Where did I put that Dr. Phil book?

*** Roger Ebert had his cancerous thyroid removed this week. His proctologist, however, gave him two thumbs up.

*** This latest cancer scare for Ebert puts us all that much closer to what we've all been waiting for: a Siskel and Ebert reunion.

*** When Ebert does eventually die, somebody's gonna have some mighty big pants to fill.

*** According to Variety, Bob Dylan is all set to star in a movie. They better subtitle it.

*** British comedy legend Spike Milligan is dead. Goon, but not forgotten.

*** Legendary "Looney Tunes" animator Chuck Jones died this week. Now that he's buried is he Ground Chuck?

*** Lastly, I'd go to see that "40 Days and 40 Nights", but I've given up Josh Hartnett movies for Lent.

And, that’s that.

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