*** It's a good thing there's a Shadow
Government in place. You'd hate to think something like all out nuclear
devastation would put an end to tax-paying.
*** If we all just stay in the dark
this whole "Shadow" Government thing will just disappear.
*** I'd like to get me a Shadow
Government night job. I'd never have to show up.
*** If they keep moving that Doomsday
Clock ahead, we're all gonna lose sleep before the world ends.
*** George W. Bush has the solution to
all our welfare problems. He's proposed spending $300 million on
classes and TV ads to encourage poor single mothers to stay off welfare
by getting married. This can only lead to one thing: a lot of poor
married mothers on welfare.
*** Remember the Office of Strategic
Influence? That's that government agency set up to spread false
information. Well, guess what? They're closing it down. Or at least
that's what they tell us.
*** Since when did we need a "special"
government agency to lie to us?
*** A new survey reveals that 1 in 5
men view porno at work. The other 4 in 5 surveyed work for the Office
of Strategic Influence.
*** I'd look at pornography at work
but they just don't have a pornograph.
*** Michael Jordan had knee surgery
this week. This will keep him out of at least the next five games. The
Washington Wizards losing streak is expected to end when he returns.
*** Brace yourself. Tom Cruise is
wired. What a Big Pussy!
*** They announced the new Monday
Night Football team and Dennis Miller is out. This really has to Madden
*** Amy Fisher has had to back out of
her Fox TV boxing match with Tonya Harding. She said, "I need this kind
of publicity like I need a hole in the head!"
*** So now Paula Jones will box Tonya
Harding. My money's on Tonya. Paula Jones is just useless when it comes
*** I don't think this is such a good
idea. I mean, who besides Bill Clinton really wants to see Paula Jones'
*** Hey, Jay Leno! South Koreans don't
"kick" and then eat their dogs. They "cook" and then eat their dogs.
Get it right next time, okay?
*** Linda Tripp has breast cancer.
That had to be discovered by self-exam. I can't imagine even a doctor
going near that.
*** CDG Books Canada, publisher of the
"For Dummies" how-to books, is shutting down. Well, that's good news.
Now when I want to buy a book I won't have to spend hours trying to
figure out if I'm more of a "Dummy" or a "Complete Idiot".
*** Now I can just walk into any
bookstore and buy books for "Complete Idiots" just like everyone else.
Where did I put that Dr. Phil book?
*** Roger Ebert had his cancerous
thyroid removed this week. His proctologist, however, gave him two
*** This latest cancer scare for Ebert
puts us all that much closer to what we've all been waiting for: a
Siskel and Ebert reunion.
*** When Ebert does eventually die,
somebody's gonna have some mighty big pants to fill.
*** According to Variety, Bob Dylan is
all set to star in a movie. They better subtitle it.
*** British comedy legend Spike
Milligan is dead. Goon, but not forgotten.
*** Legendary "Looney Tunes" animator
Chuck Jones died this week. Now that he's buried is he Ground Chuck?
*** Lastly, I'd go to see that "40
Days and 40 Nights", but I've given up Josh Hartnett movies for Lent.
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