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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-09-01

*** Is it Student Hunting season again? Already? Me, personally, I've given it up lately. I don't think it's in my best interest to hunt something that can shoot back.

*** I think the reason everyone's so upset with this Andy Williams character from Santee, California is: first, they think he's that singer, or at least related to him; and secondly, he was hunting without a license.

*** They're still discussing whether or not he should be tried as an adult. Isn't that pedophilia?

*** Maybe I'm just an old fogey but I can remember the good old days when troubled teens just killed themselves and didn't try to take everyone else with them.

*** If teachers would only stop grading on a curve maybe it wouldn't be just the best and brightest who get shot at. Maybe a dork or two would be taken out next time.

*** So, why does everyone keep calling these events "School Shootings"? Only some of the bullets seem to end up lodged in the buildings. 

*** I blame violence in the media. Every time they air a story about one of these shootings another teen somewhere gets a gun and an agent and starts looking for some TV coverage.

*** In other seems like a rerun news, Dick Cheney had another heart episode. Just five more and he can start syndicating these suckers.

*** New research has discovered that every cigarette a person smokes has the potential to trigger a fatal heart attack. This is real bad news for Dick Cheney. With all the people constantly blowing smoke up his ass, he's just a heartbeat away from ending up in his own crush-proof box.

*** The Supreme Court has ruled that the KKK can adopt any highway they want to. I think this is a great ruling. As soon as these dumb-asses realize that all highways are black they'll lose interest completely.

*** Sen. Robert Byrd-Brain used the N-word during a Fox News interview last weekend. This has upset many people and that I can't understand. Just because he's 83 years old he can't talk about Napster?

*** No, I'm just funning. The actual N-word was nigger. The apology/excuse issued on his behalf was basically just, "He's 83." Interesting. I'll bet the excuse for all the stupid things he did last year was, "He's 82." I sense this has been a life-long problem for Sen. Byrd-Brain. "He's 2. He just doesn't know any better." Give me and everyone else a break and just retire. Or die. Your choice. 

*** I've gotta figure this "Naked Wife" virus caused a lot less damage than that Anna Kornakova virus did. True, the "naked" part had me hooked, but that "wife" part got me so nauseous by the time I'd gotten back to my computer I'd completely forgotten about it.

*** The Bette Midler Show  was cancelled this week. Half the gay men in this country have been down on their knees ever since this was announced. Some haven't even heard the sad news yet.

*** Scary Spice has left the Spice Girls to pursue her solo career. Gee, I always thought the Spice Girls were so low you couldn't get any lower. Maybe they can work out all their differences and get back together while people still seem to care. Oops, too late.

*** Did you hear about the Toy Story doll that says "clitoris"? It's true. Apparently, Jessie, Woody's girlfriend, asks, "Have you seen my clitoris?" And now you know why they call him Woody.

*** Under new guidelines, gay couples who have sex in public places (rest areas, beaches, parks, etc.) in Massachusetts will no longer be charged - so long as the activity is adequately hidden from view. This is part of the new Massachusetts policy, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Show, Don't Even Let Us Know What You're Doing. You're Making Us Sick. Enough Already."

*** Why does every film critic in the country seem to think they're enlightening people by telling us that the title of "Fifteen Minutes" comes from an Andy Warhol quote? Doesn't everybody already know that? He was in the bathroom with a particularly voluminous episode of diarrhea when Nico knocked on the door. He said, "I'll be out in fifteen minutes." Everyone's heard that story, right? 

*** Kevin Artz from Jackson, Michigan will be standing trial for murdering his wife and has been charged with cutting her up and cooking her. He's already picked out his last meal: her leftovers.

*** Camryn Manheim had a baby this week. Now she can go back to eating for just two.

*** According to a U.S. eye doctor there have been at least five men diagnosed with permanent vision loss after taking Viagra. Didn't these guys know enough to find partners before taking Viagra? Masturbation has been known for centuries to cause blindness. What rock have these guys been jerking-off under?

*** Dennis the Menace turned 50 this past week. He celebrated by getting a prostate exam, plucking out his gray pubes and then getting together with his pal Joey to frolic in a Massachusetts rest area. They topped off the evening by tossing water-filled condoms at Mr. Wilson. Boys will be boys, even at 50.

*** Disney is paying $350 million for the rights to Winnie the Pooh. That's an awful lot of money for Pooh. I'd sell them whatever I make for half that. Less than half that. Cab fare home. Anything. Make me an offer. I'm dying to get rid of this shit.

*** A lesbian in Australia successfully sued a butcher for selling her a bone shaped like a penis. She won $4,500 and the butcher was ordered to never again sell penis-shaped bones without some sort of strap-on device.

*** 20,000 sex workers are expected to attend the prostitute conference in Calcutta. The sex workers will share their experiences and the problems they face. Imagine that. 20,000 hookers all talking about me. 

And, that’s that.

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