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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-16-01

*** I finally figured out why they call them "brokers". I used to be broke and now I'm broker. 

*** I'm thinking NASDAQ must now stand for Need Any Singles, Dimes And Quarters.

*** This Stock Market is going down faster than a Lewinsky at a White House staff meeting.

*** They're not calling it a "crash". No. It's a "correction". I remember when my dad beat the hell out of me for correcting his car once.

*** It seems like the only thing I'll be able to buy with my 401K money is a bottle of 409 spray cleaner. That, a squeegee, and a Lincoln Tunnel off-ramp are all I'll really need to see me through my retirement years anyway. I just wanna know where I'm gonna get the money for  a squeegee.

*** They say Bill Gates lost over a billion dollars in one day this past week. In related news, I over-tipped for a lap dance. Same difference,  percentage-wise.

*** There's a guy who says he wants to skydive from 25 miles up in the atmosphere, thus breaking the speed of sound. Well, if he hurries there'll be plenty of jumping stockbrokers to break his fall.

*** When Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland did he drive them all to Wall Street? Or only the ones that couldn't get into law school?

*** Saint Patrick's day is Saturday, and I've got a question. I've just eaten a really big salad and I plan on drinking until I puke. If I don't wash it off, can that be considered the "wearin' of the green"? 

*** About this foot-and-mouth disease, why don't they just caught off the feet and heads and use the rest of the cattle for our hamburgers? The diseased feet and heads can continue to be used for our hot dogs. Anyone eating hot dogs these days just doesn't care anyway.

*** The bankruptcy overhaul bill was passed by the Senate making it much more difficult for individuals to declare bankruptcy. It'll now cost an arm and a leg to declare bankruptcy, thus limiting everyone, with the possible exception of Octo-man, to just two bankruptcies per lifetime.

*** Martha Stewart and Anthony Hopkins are dating. She throws lovely little dinner parties and he eats all the guests.

*** Morton Downey, Jr. is dead. He was a talk show host in the '80s. But, who wasn't? Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with his style, think "The Jerry Springer Show" with one of the guests as the host. Goodbye, friend. You'll be reunited with your son Robert again real soon. 

*** When I first heard that Leather Man was dead I thought the world had lost its first gay superhero. But no, Captain Feltcher lives. 

*** Actually, Leather Man was the biker in the Village People. He died after a long illness he caused everyone with his music.

*** For his wake they displayed him in his coffin ass up/ face down. It wasn't a gay thing. They just wanted his friends to be able to recognize him.

*** The National Portrait Gallery has just bought a portrait of George Washington for $30 million. For that kind of money I can get 30 million portraits of George Washington.

*** Gabe Kaplan says that plans are in the works for a "Welcome Back, Kotter" movie with a new cast, but cameos from the original Sweathogs. I don't know. John Travolta is so goofy looking these days I think he'd make a very convincing Gabe Kotter.

*** I thought for sure Puff Daddy was on his way to prison. Did you hear that so-called rhyme Johnnie Cochran came up with for his summation: "If his friends say he didn't, then you can't send him to prison." How lame can you get? Just the fact that he hired Cochran should have convinced the jury he was guilty. 

*** Scientists have discovered that some fish fake their orgasms. While other fish rely on the tired old line, "Not tonight I have a haddock."

*** Mike Tyson thinks that women don't like him. I can't believe it. No, not the part about women not liking him. He's a convicted rapist for chrissakes.  What I can't believe is that Mike Tyson actually had a thought.

*** Bob Newhart and Sisqo are teaming up for a sitcom next season. Finally, a show aimed at people like me: people who love dry humor and thongs.

*** I saw that new Steven Seagal movie. Boy, is this movie bad. Fifteen minutes in and the entire audience rushed out of the theater. Ironically, causing their very own "Exit Wounds".

*** You know those logos that appear in the corner of just about every TV show lately? They either give you the name of the show you're watching, the name of the show coming up, the name of the station you're watching, and other even more useless information. What do you call those things? Oh, I know. Annoying, that's what you call them. Fucking annoying. 

*** Lastly, I've never seen a tit on any soy bean I've ever seen. So, where's all this soy milk coming from?

And, that’s that.

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