*** I finally figured out why they
call them "brokers". I used
to be broke and now I'm broker.
*** I'm thinking NASDAQ must now stand
for Need Any Singles, Dimes And
*** This Stock Market is going down
faster than a Lewinsky at a White
House staff meeting.
*** They're not calling it a "crash".
No. It's a
"correction". I remember when my dad beat the hell out of me for
correcting his car once.
*** It seems like the only thing I'll
be able to buy with my 401K money is
a bottle of 409 spray cleaner. That, a squeegee, and a Lincoln Tunnel
are all I'll really need to see me through my retirement years anyway.
wanna know where I'm gonna get the money for a squeegee.
*** They say Bill Gates lost over a
billion dollars in one day this past
week. In related news, I over-tipped for a lap dance. Same
*** There's a guy who says he wants to
skydive from 25 miles up in the
atmosphere, thus breaking the speed of sound. Well, if he hurries
plenty of jumping stockbrokers to break his fall.
*** When Saint Patrick drove all the
snakes out of Ireland did he drive
them all to Wall Street? Or only the ones that couldn't get into law
*** Saint Patrick's day is Saturday,
and I've got a question. I've just
eaten a really big salad and I plan on drinking until I puke. If I
don't wash it
off, can that be considered the "wearin' of the green"?
*** About this foot-and-mouth disease,
why don't they just caught off the
feet and heads and use the rest of the cattle for our hamburgers? The
feet and heads can continue to be used for our hot dogs. Anyone eating
these days just doesn't care anyway.
*** The bankruptcy overhaul bill was
passed by the Senate making it much
more difficult for individuals to declare bankruptcy. It'll now cost an
a leg to declare bankruptcy, thus limiting everyone, with the possible
of Octo-man, to just two bankruptcies per lifetime.
*** Martha Stewart and Anthony Hopkins
are dating. She throws lovely
little dinner parties and he eats all the guests.
*** Morton Downey, Jr. is dead. He was
a talk show host in the '80s. But,
who wasn't? Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with his style, think "The
Springer Show" with one of the guests as the host. Goodbye, friend.
be reunited with your son Robert again real soon.
*** When I first heard that Leather
Man was dead I thought the world had
lost its first gay superhero. But no, Captain Feltcher lives.
*** Actually, Leather Man was the
biker in the Village People. He died
after a long illness he caused everyone with his music.
*** For his wake they displayed him in
his coffin ass up/ face down. It
wasn't a gay thing. They just wanted his friends to be able to
*** The National Portrait Gallery has
just bought a portrait of George
Washington for $30 million. For that kind of money I can get 30 million
portraits of George Washington.
*** Gabe Kaplan says that plans are in
the works for a "Welcome Back,
Kotter" movie with a new cast, but cameos from the original Sweathogs.
don't know. John Travolta is so goofy looking these days I think he'd
very convincing Gabe Kotter.
*** I thought for sure Puff Daddy was
on his way to prison. Did you hear
that so-called rhyme Johnnie Cochran came up with for his summation:
his friends say he didn't, then you can't send him to prison." How lame
you get? Just the fact that he hired Cochran should have convinced the
*** Scientists have discovered that
some fish fake their orgasms. While
other fish rely on the tired old line, "Not tonight I have a haddock."
*** Mike Tyson thinks that women don't
like him. I can't believe it. No,
not the part about women not liking him. He's a convicted rapist for
What I can't believe is that Mike Tyson actually had a thought.
*** Bob Newhart and Sisqo are teaming
up for a sitcom next season.
Finally, a show aimed at people like me: people who love dry humor and
*** I saw that new Steven Seagal
movie. Boy, is this movie bad. Fifteen
minutes in and the entire audience rushed out of the theater.
causing their very own "Exit Wounds".
*** You know those logos that appear
in the corner of just about every TV
show lately? They either give you the name of the show you're watching,
of the show coming up, the name of the station you're watching, and
more useless information. What do you call those things? Oh, I know.
that's what you call them. Fucking annoying.
*** Lastly, I've never seen a tit on
any soy bean I've ever seen. So,
where's all this soy milk coming from?
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