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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-23-01

*** It's "Oscar, Oscar" time and I just don't care. Sure, it's great to see all the stars dressed up. And Steve Martin should be funny. And there's always those great dance numbers. I hear Debbie Allen's back choreographing them again this year, and that'll be good. And it'll be great to see who wins for Best Editing of a Short Subject. But, c'mon. That statue looks like something Ricky Martin would use as a chair. I just can't stand to look at it. There, I've said it.

*** It's gotta be tough hosting the Oscars. Billions of people watching. Every one of them expecting you to be funny. I sure hope Steve Martin was smart enough to get Bruce. 

*** The Academy has set a 45 second time limit on all acceptance speeches. How is it possible to thank everyone in just 45 seconds? Why, just the plastic surgeons and abortionists alone could take over a minute to list.

*** I sure hope they don't cut Julia Roberts off before she's done feigning surprise. 

*** If Russell Crowe wins Best Actor does his price go up? Will he be able to get maybe $15 million for his fingers next kidnapping?

*** If he wins will Meg Ryan be eating Crowe Sunday night?

*** How did Tom Hanks even get nominated this year? Everyone knows that volley ball carried him through the movie. If it weren't for Wilson we'd have had to endure Tom Hanks playing with himself. 

*** It seems Kate Hudson might win Best Supporting Actress. That's a shame. I kinda like her and now she'll never work again.

*** And what the hell is a Benicio del Toro? I looked it up. Literally, it means "Goodbye, bull market."

*** "Exit Wounds" was the top movie at the box office last weekend drawing in a huge black audience. Well, of course. You want black people to go see your movie, I've got two words for you: Tom Arnold.

*** Abner Louima has cleared $9 million as settlement for his toilet plunger abuse case. All I ever get when I come in contact with a toilet plunger is shit.

*** Why would they fire Jesse Ventura as announcer for the XFL? He's the only one watching the damn games.

*** Papa John Philips is dead. After Monday mourning, there's pretty much a guarantee he won't be here with me. 

*** Hanna Barbera is dead. Yogi Bear, famous for his saying "It ain't over till it's over", said, "It's over."

*** Madonna's new video is too violent for MTV and VH1 to play. That pretty much just leaves all the news channels. And there's plenty of those.

*** The Mir space station landed in the South Pacific. Why did it take so long? A few months earlier and we could've been spared this Glenn Close/ Harry Connick "South Pacific" remake.

*** NBA players want to wear tattooed ads during games. Sure. Why not? We pay teachers all this money for doing nothing. These guys actually work up a sweat. Let them earn whatever they can.

*** In the new movie "Say It Isn't So" Heather Graham can't marry the guy of her dreams because he might be her brother. Down South they're calling this movie "Get Over It".

*** There's a Dutch company selling baby clothes with swear words on them. Among the phrases available: "I'm proof that my mom likes to fuck.", "Dad only hits me when I'm real bad.", and "I just shit my pants." I wonder if they have that last one in adult sizes.

*** A bunch of so-called scientists have determined that Dumbo's ears were just the right size to keep him cool while flying. These same scientists have also concluded that Pluto isn't really a planet, just a dog. And, given his lack of genitals, even Viagra couldn't help Donald Duck.

*** Animal rights groups are urging Baylor University to suspend two student athletes who were arrested for skinning a cat. There's more than one way to do that, so I'm glad they'll now have time to find all the methods. 

***  The Teletubbies will be releasing a new fitness video. Aren't kids fat enough? Do we really want them getting fitness advice from characters with "tubby" in their name? 

*** Hispanically speaking el Presidente Busho es muy stupido.

*** The last Bozo show was cancelled. Back in the day every major city ran their very own local Bozo show. Nowadays all the Bozos appear together on C-Span.

*** A federal judge ruled this week that Adam Sandler's "The Waterboy" was not a copy of Harold Lloyd's 1925 "The Freshman". Well, they got that right. It's actually a copy of some used toilet paper I had lying around.

*** Why would anyone have used toilet paper just lying around? Well, I was mad at my wife and I'm passive/aggressive. 'Nuff said.

And, that’s that.

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