*** It's "Oscar,
Oscar" time and I just
don't care. Sure, it's great to see all the stars dressed up. And Steve
should be funny. And there's always those great dance numbers. I hear
Allen's back choreographing them again this year, and that'll be good.
be great to see who wins for Best Editing of a Short Subject. But,
statue looks like something Ricky Martin would use as a chair. I just
stand to look at it. There, I've said it.
*** It's gotta
be tough hosting the Oscars. Billions
of people watching. Every one of them expecting you to be funny. I sure
Steve Martin was smart enough to get Bruce.
*** The Academy
has set a 45 second time limit on
all acceptance speeches. How is it possible to thank everyone in just
seconds? Why, just the plastic surgeons and abortionists alone could
take over a
minute to list.
*** I sure hope
they don't cut Julia Roberts off
before she's done feigning surprise.
*** If Russell
Crowe wins Best Actor does his price
go up? Will he be able to get maybe $15 million for his fingers next
*** If he wins
will Meg Ryan be eating Crowe Sunday
*** How did Tom
Hanks even get nominated this year?
Everyone knows that volley ball carried him through the movie. If it
Wilson we'd have had to endure Tom Hanks playing with himself.
*** It seems
Kate Hudson might win Best Supporting
Actress. That's a shame. I kinda like her and now she'll never work
*** And what the
hell is a Benicio del Toro? I
looked it up. Literally, it means "Goodbye, bull market."
Wounds" was the top movie at the
box office last weekend drawing in a huge black audience. Well, of
want black people to go see your movie, I've got two words for you: Tom
*** Abner Louima
has cleared $9 million as
settlement for his toilet plunger abuse case. All I ever get when I
contact with a toilet plunger is shit.
*** Why would
they fire Jesse Ventura as announcer
for the XFL? He's the only one watching the damn games.
*** Papa John
Philips is dead. After Monday
mourning, there's pretty much a guarantee he won't be here with
Barbera is dead. Yogi Bear, famous for his
saying "It ain't over till it's over", said, "It's over."
new video is too violent for MTV and
VH1 to play. That pretty much just leaves all the news channels. And
plenty of those.
*** The Mir
space station landed in the South
Pacific. Why did it take so long? A few months earlier and we could've
spared this Glenn Close/ Harry Connick "South Pacific" remake.
*** NBA players
want to wear tattooed ads during
games. Sure. Why not? We pay teachers all this money for doing nothing.
guys actually work up a sweat. Let them earn whatever they can.
*** In the new
movie "Say It Isn't So"
Heather Graham can't marry the guy of her dreams because he might be
brother. Down South they're calling this movie "Get Over It".
*** There's a
Dutch company selling baby clothes
with swear words on them. Among the phrases available: "I'm proof that
mom likes to fuck.", "Dad only hits me when I'm real bad.", and
"I just shit my pants." I wonder if they have that last one in adult
*** A bunch of
so-called scientists have determined
that Dumbo's ears were just the right size to keep him cool while
same scientists have also concluded that Pluto isn't really a planet,
dog. And, given his lack of genitals, even Viagra couldn't help Donald
rights groups are urging Baylor
University to suspend two student athletes who were arrested for
skinning a cat.
There's more than one way to do that, so I'm glad they'll now have time
all the methods.
Teletubbies will be releasing a new
fitness video. Aren't kids fat enough? Do we really want them getting
advice from characters with "tubby" in their name?
speaking el Presidente Busho es muy
*** The last
Bozo show was cancelled. Back in the
day every major city ran their very own local Bozo show. Nowadays all
appear together on C-Span.
*** A federal
judge ruled this week that Adam
Sandler's "The Waterboy" was not a copy of Harold Lloyd's 1925
"The Freshman". Well, they got that right. It's actually a copy of
some used toilet paper I had lying around.
*** Why would
anyone have used toilet paper just
lying around? Well, I was mad at my wife and I'm passive/aggressive.
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