*** Puff Daddy is planning on changing
his name to P Diddy. I know exactly
why he's doing this. He's in the middle of defending himself in a
and the last thing you want is to have the word "Daddy" in your name.
Now he can rightfully say, "I may be the kid's Diddy, but I'm certainly
*** Suzanne Sommers has breast cancer.
Gee, if they end up cutting off her
breasts I sure do hope she hangs on to them. Those "Three's Company"
reunions just won't be the same without them.
*** Monica Lewinsky has compared her
ordeal to the holocaust. Makes
perfect sense. The only way this woman could ever be hot is to throw
her in an
*** Kirk Douglas told Esquire magazine
that when he kisses his sons on the
mouth, people look at him oddly. That might be because he's got his
at the time. Say, Kirk, what kind of looks do you get when you blow
why are you always doing all this in public anyway?
*** James Gandolfini told Rolling
Stone magazine that he's really
basically just a 260 pound Woody Allen. And, boy, is his step-daughter
*** Julia Roberts told Entertainment
Weekly, "Nobody walks onto a set
and says 'Yeah, let's really make some crap.'" Maybe. But I gotta
when it's the set of an Adam Sandler movie it's pretty much implied.
*** A new survey has revealed that
gays are better educated. So, all you
bullies out there who have been calling every nerd you see a faggot may
something after all.
*** The World's first online gay
casino will be launched this May. What's
the difference between a regular casino and a gay casino? In a regular
they play "21", in a gay casino it's "69". So, that'd make a difference
*** They say that Daniel Baldwin's
career is going so badly that his films
are no longer released "direct-to-video" but are now just
*** The remaining Beach Boys will be
doing hip-hop versions of their
classic tunes. "I Wish They All Could Be California Hos" and
"Help Me, Nigga" are just two of the titles. Brian Wilson has been
seen turning in his grave ever since this was announced. But, then
does that every night before he goes to sleep.
*** Did you hear about the Australian
rugby player who has been sticking
his finger in other players' bums? He claims he was just trying to give
wedgies so they'd play the ball quicker. I've got two words of advice
guy if he plans to keep doing this: antibacterial soap.
*** If they outlaw sex with animals in
Illinois, then only outlaws will
have sex with animals.
*** The ASPCA is behind this
legislation. I'm wondering if ASPCA now
stands for the Association for the Prevention of Cunnilingus to Animals.
*** A new survey claims that carrot
eaters enjoy wild sex. Of course they
do. They fuck like rabbits.
*** Did you hear about the guy who
tried to rob a garbage truck while
wielding a pair of scissors and claiming to be Jesus? So, I guess we
the answer to "What would Jesus do?" and can move on to more important
*** Timothy McVeigh wrote in a letter,
excerpted in Esquire, "I have
nothing against the people of Oklahoma." I guess he must've blown up
the ones he hated. Can't we just kill this guy before we learn anything
about him? If they can make bombs out of manure, I say throw a lit
match on this
guy cause he's full of it.
*** Human cloning is the subject of a
new round of Congressional hearings.
I've read that most of the animal cloning has produced short-lived,
and physically sub-par specimens. If the same thing happens with human
we'll have an unending supply of replacement congressman just piled up
warehouses. Who doesn't look forward to another hundred years of Jesse
*** The Circus has just come to New
York. Now, wait a minute. New York was
home to the election of Hillary Clinton and the trial of Puff Daddy.
circus always in New York?
*** A restraining order has been
issued against the guy who showed up at
Sharon Stone's home saying he wanted to "take her and marry her".
Well, he's certainly got things in the right order there, but isn't he
years too late?
*** Jesse Jackson's mistress has kept
a used condom in the freezer just to
prove that the kid is Jesse's. Talk about your Pop-sicles.
*** George W. Bush says he works out
for 90 minutes every day. He says it
clears his mind. I think it's working. You can't get any clearer than a
*** I was watching "Whose Line Is It
Anyway" and I just wanna
say that the only time improv is any good is when it's scripted and
*** So, Ricky Martin has a girlfriend.
Doesn't this sound a lot like the
plot for "The Crying Game 2"? Only this time the guy won't be at all
*** Michael Jackson is now starting a
book club for children. With pop-up
books for all the sexy ones, I'll bet.
*** According to the Enquirer, Max
Wright, he played the dad on
"ALF" and Norm's boss on the "Norm" show, has made gay porno
while doing crack with two other guys. I just bring this up for all the
out there who are constantly looking for Mr. Wright. You won't find him
you look in the gay porn section of your local adult video store.
*** Couldn't "doing crack" be a
euphemism for gay sex?
*** Of all my organs, I think I hate
my penis the most. It's always waking
me up before I'm done sleeping. Just to pee. And it's always pointing
I can't have. I guess I'm just gonna have to spank that little monkey.
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