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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-30-01

*** Puff Daddy is planning on changing his name to P Diddy. I know exactly why he's doing this. He's in the middle of defending himself in a paternity suit and the last thing you want is to have the word "Daddy" in your name. Now he can rightfully say, "I may be the kid's Diddy, but I'm certainly not his Daddy."

*** Suzanne Sommers has breast cancer. Gee, if they end up cutting off her breasts I sure do hope she hangs on to them. Those "Three's Company" reunions just won't be the same without them.

*** Monica Lewinsky has compared her ordeal to the holocaust. Makes perfect sense. The only way this woman could ever be hot is to throw her in an oven.

*** Kirk Douglas told Esquire magazine that when he kisses his sons on the mouth, people look at him oddly. That might be because he's got his tongue out at the time. Say, Kirk, what kind of looks do you get when you blow them? And, why are you always doing all this in public anyway? 

*** James Gandolfini told Rolling Stone magazine that he's really basically just a 260 pound Woody Allen. And, boy, is his step-daughter worried.

*** Julia Roberts told Entertainment Weekly, "Nobody walks onto a set and says 'Yeah, let's really make some crap.'" Maybe. But I gotta figure when it's the set of an Adam Sandler movie it's pretty much implied.

*** A new survey has revealed that gays are better educated. So, all you bullies out there who have been calling every nerd you see a faggot may be onto something after all. 

*** The World's first online gay casino will be launched this May. What's the difference between a regular casino and a gay casino? In a regular casino they play "21", in a gay casino it's "69". So, that'd make a difference of "48".

*** They say that Daniel Baldwin's career is going so badly that his films are no longer released "direct-to-video" but are now just "dreck-to-video".

*** The remaining Beach Boys will be doing hip-hop versions of their classic tunes. "I Wish They All Could Be California Hos" and "Help Me, Nigga" are just two of the titles. Brian Wilson has been seen turning in his grave ever since this was announced. But, then again, he does that every night before he goes to sleep.

*** Did you hear about the Australian rugby player who has been sticking his finger in other players' bums? He claims he was just trying to give them all wedgies so they'd play the ball quicker. I've got two words of advice for this guy if he plans to keep doing this: antibacterial soap.

*** If they outlaw sex with animals in Illinois, then only outlaws will have sex with animals. 

*** The ASPCA is behind this legislation. I'm wondering if ASPCA now stands for the Association for the Prevention of Cunnilingus to Animals.

*** A new survey claims that carrot eaters enjoy wild sex. Of course they do. They fuck like rabbits.

*** Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob a garbage truck while wielding a pair of scissors and claiming to be Jesus? So, I guess we now know the answer to "What would Jesus do?" and can move on to more important questions. Okay?

*** Timothy McVeigh wrote in a letter, excerpted in Esquire, "I have nothing against the people of Oklahoma." I guess he must've blown up all the ones he hated. Can't we just kill this guy before we learn anything else about him? If they can make bombs out of manure, I say throw a lit match on this guy cause he's full of it.

*** Human cloning is the subject of a new round of Congressional hearings. I've read that most of the animal cloning has produced short-lived, retarded, and physically sub-par specimens. If the same thing happens with human cloning, we'll have an unending supply of replacement congressman just piled up in warehouses. Who doesn't look forward to another hundred years of Jesse Helms?

*** The Circus has just come to New York. Now, wait a minute. New York was home to the election of Hillary Clinton and the trial of Puff Daddy. Isn't the circus always in New York?

*** A restraining order has been issued against the guy who showed up at Sharon Stone's home saying he wanted to "take her and marry her". Well, he's certainly got things in the right order there, but isn't he about 10 years too late?

*** Jesse Jackson's mistress has kept a used condom in the freezer just to prove that the kid is Jesse's. Talk about your Pop-sicles.

*** George W. Bush says he works out for 90 minutes every day. He says it clears his mind. I think it's working. You can't get any clearer than a blank slate.

*** I was watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway" and I just wanna say that the only time improv is any good is when it's scripted and well-rehearsed.

*** So, Ricky Martin has a girlfriend. Doesn't this sound a lot like the plot for "The Crying Game 2"? Only this time the guy won't be at all surprised.

*** Michael Jackson is now starting a book club for children. With pop-up books for all the sexy ones, I'll bet.

*** According to the Enquirer, Max Wright, he played the dad on "ALF" and Norm's boss on the "Norm" show, has made gay porno while doing crack with two other guys. I just bring this up for all the women out there who are constantly looking for Mr. Wright. You won't find him unless you look in the gay porn section of your local adult video store. 

*** Couldn't "doing crack" be a euphemism for gay sex? 

*** Of all my organs, I think I hate my penis the most. It's always waking me up before I'm done sleeping. Just to pee. And it's always pointing out women I can't have. I guess I'm just gonna have to spank that little monkey.

And, that’s that.

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