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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 03-30-02

*** I'M BACK! I've been in and our of Betty Ford for the past month. Even she's starting to think I need rehab.

*** She's right, you know. Any guy who'd fuck a nearly dead woman is just crying for help. It's not all my fault though. I told her I'd wait.

*** Doing a dead woman sure will save you some money. No dinners, no movies, no lawsuits, no Viagra.

*** That's right, no Viagra. If she's stiff, I don't have to be.

*** When it comes to sex I'm a "Wanted, Dead or Alive" kind of guy.

*** Anyway --- It was good to see Halle Berry win an Oscar. I still prefer her Golden Globes.

*** Did you see Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars? She was braless. I guess it was just her way of proving she's a member of SAG.

*** Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis C. This is the first "C" she's ever gotten without cheating.

*** Dudley Moore died this week. Thanks to Hobson for alerting the media.

*** TV legend Milton Berle died just hours after Dudley Moore. Can't this guy do anything original?

*** Milton Berle had the number one show on TV back in the days when it was the only show on TV.

*** Even until his his death he continued to pull down huge numbers. Some say it was 14 inches, others 15.

*** Billy Wilder, the best living director who hadn't made a movie in twenty years, died this week. Just two days after financing for his new film came through.

*** HBO cameras are gonna be all over that funeral for their new show "Project: Red Light".

*** The Queen Mum is dead at 101. Living that long has got to be a royal pain in the ass.

*** If they stuff her and prop her in a chair she can continue to fulfill all her royal functions.

*** Lately it seems that the only thing standing between most priests and sainthood is a little boy. (Did I say "standing"?)

*** I can remember back to when an altar boy would bend over backwards to help out a priest. Does this mean I can get in on that lawsuit?

*** As my local priest, Father Pete O'Phelia, always says, "When it comes to children, let us prey."

*** Do you think they're so screwed up because they worship the world's most famous Cross-Dresser?

*** Top Priest Pick-Up Line: "You call that a confession? I'll give you something to confess about."

*** ABC has canceled the TV show "Once and Again". Didn't they do that once already? And now they're doing it again?

*** Hugh Grant says that "seducing women is no longer a thrill". I know exactly how he feels. It can get pretty boring after a while. What with all that driving around looking for just the right hooker.

*** John Wayne Bobbitt remarried this week. You think he would've soured to the whole idea after his first marriage ended in such a painful separation.

*** When it comes to penises, most guys would really rather have it jerked off than cut off.

*** Playboy is planning an upcoming "Women of Enron" issue. I won't be buying that one. You can't have that many Enron boobs without pictures of Ken Lay popping up.

*** There won't be a centerfold, just a spread sheet.

*** You know how you can tell Liza Minelli's new husband is gay? He was a huge fan of hers before they even met.

*** Did you hear about the girl who died at the hockey game? Boy was she pucked up.

*** Foot fetishist Dr. Scholl is dead, but his sole lives on.

*** Lastly, this Easter, just to be more authentic, we're nailing up our decorations.

And, that’s that.

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