*** I'M BACK! I've been in and our of
Betty Ford for the past month. Even she's starting to think I need
*** She's right, you know. Any guy
who'd fuck a nearly dead woman is just crying for help. It's not all my
fault though. I told her I'd wait.
*** Doing a dead woman sure will save
you some money. No dinners, no movies, no lawsuits, no Viagra.
*** That's right, no Viagra. If she's
stiff, I don't have to be.
*** When it comes to sex I'm a
"Wanted, Dead or Alive" kind of guy.
*** Anyway --- It was good to see
Halle Berry win an Oscar. I still prefer her Golden Globes.
*** Did you see Gwyneth Paltrow at the
Oscars? She was braless. I guess it was just her way of proving she's a
member of SAG.
*** Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis C.
This is the first "C" she's ever gotten without cheating.
*** Dudley Moore died this week.
Thanks to Hobson for alerting the media.
*** TV legend Milton Berle died just
hours after Dudley Moore. Can't this guy do anything original?
*** Milton Berle had the number one
show on TV back in the days when it was the only show on TV.
*** Even until his his death he
continued to pull down huge numbers. Some say it was 14 inches, others
*** Billy Wilder, the best living
director who hadn't made a movie in twenty years, died this week. Just
two days after financing for his new film came through.
*** HBO cameras are gonna be all over
that funeral for their new show "Project: Red Light".
*** The Queen Mum is dead at 101.
Living that long has got to be a royal pain in the ass.
*** If they stuff her and prop her in
a chair she can continue to fulfill all her royal functions.
*** Lately it seems that the only
thing standing between most priests and sainthood is a little boy. (Did
I say "standing"?)
*** I can remember back to when an
altar boy would bend over backwards to help out a priest. Does this
mean I can get in on that lawsuit?
*** As my local priest, Father Pete
O'Phelia, always says, "When it comes to children, let us prey."
*** Do you think they're so screwed up
because they worship the world's most famous Cross-Dresser?
*** Top Priest Pick-Up Line: "You call
that a confession? I'll give you something to confess about."
*** ABC has canceled the TV show "Once
and Again". Didn't they do that once already? And now they're doing it
*** Hugh Grant says that "seducing
women is no longer a thrill". I know exactly how he feels. It can get
pretty boring after a while. What with all that driving around looking
for just the right hooker.
*** John Wayne Bobbitt remarried this
week. You think he would've soured to the whole idea after his first
marriage ended in such a painful separation.
*** When it comes to penises, most
guys would really rather have it jerked off than cut off.
*** Playboy is planning an upcoming
"Women of Enron" issue. I won't be buying that one. You can't have that
many Enron boobs without pictures of Ken Lay popping up.
*** There won't be a centerfold, just
a spread sheet.
*** You know how you can tell Liza
Minelli's new husband is gay? He was a huge fan of hers before they
*** Did you hear about the girl who
died at the hockey game? Boy was she pucked up.
*** Foot fetishist Dr. Scholl is dead,
but his sole lives on.
*** Lastly, this Easter, just to be
more authentic, we're nailing up our decorations.
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