*** The worst thing about spying on
the Chinese is that an hour later you
wanna spy on them again.
*** What is Georgie Bush waiting for?
If he really wants our airmen back, why
hasn't he called in the Spy Kids?
*** A Chicago-based Italian-American
group is suing the producers of
"The Sopranos" saying it paints Italians as born criminals. Y'know,
they're right. They're not "born" criminals. It's more of a nurturing
*** In Luciano Pavarotti's contracts
it states "there must be no
distinct smell anywhere near the artist". The way this guy eats, how
there not be? I don't hear any Italian-Americans raising a stink about
*** They say that one out of every
five teen boys has taken a weapon to high
school. "Did you bring enough guns for everyone, Jimmy?"
*** The U.S. Education Department's
"Report Card" says that
two-thirds of U.S. fourth graders read poorly. They also don't
well and drive like their drunk. So, I guess anyone can grow up to be
*** According to a new survey, one in
three men associate bathrooms with sex.
I guess for some people sex is a whole lot dirtier than it is for me.
*** I gotta figure they only asked
three guys and one of them was George
*** In other bathroom survey news, 49%
of men say they enjoy reading while on
the toilet. This has got me wondering about all those books in used
especially the ones with the missing pages.
*** Marlon Brando turned 77 this past
week. This is the first time since
he was 32 that his age has matched his waist size.
*** He's so out of shape these days,
he had Sasheen Littlefeather come in
and blow out the candles for him.
*** Of course Darryl Strawberry's a
crack addict. You'd be one too if you
spent all your time with your head up your own ass.
*** So, Barbra Streisand hates what
Georgie Bush is doing. How can you
*** Jodie Foster is pregnant again.
Even though it's her own kid, growing
in her own body, she'll still be nothing more than a Foster mother.
*** The Post Office is looking into
ending Saturday mail delivery.
"More time for target practice means better service for you."
*** Tara Reid has postponed plans to
marry TRL's Carson Dailey so she can
do promotion for "Josie and the Pussycats". Sounds like TRL
might now stand for Tara's Really Leaving.
*** I was shocked to hear that "Third
Rock From The Sun" was
just cancelled. I could've sworn that was cancelled years ago.
*** Did you hear about that Russian
axe-wielding priest who was attacking
his parishioners? "Hmmm. Now, what would Jesus do?"
*** Kathy and Jason Curiel have
actually named their son ESPN after the
sports network. Now, I'm not sure what the E and the N stand for, but I
the SP stands for Stupid Parents.
*** A recent study has revised the
average length of a penis from 6.3
inches to 5.877. This can only mean Milton Berle is dead. He's been
average off for every guy.
*** MTV is being sued again this week.
This time for a show in which two
guys took a shit on the audience. Their market research showed this was
what the MTV viewer was looking for.
*** I know if you piss on an audience
you're tried by a jury of your pee-ers.
But what if you shit on them? I'm not sure, but it probably still
*** Mariah Carey has signed a new deal
with Virgin records. This is
probably the first time Mariah Carey and Virgin have been used in the
sentence since she was twelve.
*** I saw the ads for this new movie
"Just Visiting". Seems like
it'll be "Just Visiting" theaters for this weekend.
*** Dan Rather says he regrets being
at a Democratic function, claiming he
didn't know it was a fundraiser. Typical Democrat: can't tell a
his elbow. If he were any dumber he'd be president.
*** I don't need a weatherman to tell
me that this guy blows.
*** Murray Brandis Jordan, the
producer of the TV show "Cops", was
arrested for drunk-driving this week. As is typical for drunk-drivers
shirtless and screaming an unending stream of bleeped expletives. He
has yet to
sign a release for the airing of his arrest. He's holding out for a
*** A California man has been
charged with cutting off a dead man's
penis and keeping it in jar before flushing it down the toilet. It
but how do we know it wasn't the dead guy's last wish?
*** A Ricky Martin look-alike has been
arrested in connection with the rape
of two San Diego, California women. They knew it was a look-alike and
actual Ricky Martin because it was women who were raped.
*** Aaron Bazaar of Maryland says he
lost $8,000 by responding to an
unsolicited e-mail touting what appeared to be a way to legally
federal income taxes but was actually an illegal pyramid scheme. Hey,
can straighten this whole thing out for just $2,000. E-mail me, okay?
*** Did anyone see that new sitcom
about George W. Bush called "That's
My Bush!"? Say, isn't that the same name as that sitcom about Bill
*** Lastly, Dr. Laura's TV show has
been cancelled. She blames gay activists for the
cancellation of her show. Well, of course gays wanted her off the air.
starting to give sucking a bad name.
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