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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 04-06-01

*** The worst thing about spying on the Chinese is that an hour later you wanna spy on them again.

*** What is Georgie Bush waiting for? If he really wants our airmen back, why hasn't he called in the Spy Kids?

*** A Chicago-based Italian-American group is suing the producers of "The Sopranos" saying it paints Italians as born criminals. Y'know, they're right. They're not "born" criminals. It's more of a nurturing thing.

*** In Luciano Pavarotti's contracts it states "there must be no distinct smell anywhere near the artist". The way this guy eats, how could there not be? I don't hear any Italian-Americans raising a stink about this.

*** They say that one out of every five teen boys has taken a weapon to high school. "Did you bring enough guns for everyone, Jimmy?"

*** The U.S. Education Department's "Report Card" says that two-thirds of  U.S. fourth graders read poorly. They also don't speak too well and drive like their drunk. So, I guess anyone can grow up to be President.

*** According to a new survey, one in three men associate bathrooms with sex. I guess for some people sex is a whole lot dirtier than it is for me.

*** I gotta figure they only asked three guys and one of them was George Michael.

*** In other bathroom survey news, 49% of men say they enjoy reading while on the toilet. This has got me wondering about all those books in used bookstores, especially the ones with the missing pages.

*** Marlon Brando turned 77 this past week. This is the first time since he was 32 that his age has matched his waist size.

*** He's so out of shape these days, he had Sasheen Littlefeather come in and blow out the candles for him.

*** Of course Darryl Strawberry's a crack addict. You'd be one too if you spent all your time with your head up your own ass.

*** So, Barbra Streisand hates what Georgie Bush is doing. How can you hate nothing?

*** Jodie Foster is pregnant again. Even though it's her own kid, growing in her own body, she'll still be nothing more than a Foster mother.

*** The Post Office is looking into ending Saturday mail delivery. "More time for target practice means better service for you."

*** Tara Reid has postponed plans to marry TRL's Carson Dailey so she can do promotion for "Josie and the Pussycats".  Sounds like TRL might now stand for Tara's Really Leaving. 

*** I was shocked to hear that "Third Rock From The Sun" was just cancelled. I could've sworn that was cancelled years ago.

*** Did you hear about that Russian axe-wielding priest who was attacking his parishioners? "Hmmm. Now, what would Jesus do?"

*** Kathy and Jason Curiel have actually named their son ESPN after the sports network. Now, I'm not sure what the E and the N stand for, but I gotta figure the SP stands for Stupid Parents.

*** A recent study has revised the average length of a penis from 6.3 inches to 5.877. This can only mean Milton Berle is dead. He's been throwing the average off for every guy. 

*** MTV is being sued again this week. This time for a show in which two guys took a shit on the audience. Their market research showed this was just what the MTV viewer was looking for. 

*** I know if you piss on an audience you're tried by a jury of your pee-ers. But what if you shit on them? I'm not sure, but it probably still involves Jury Doody.

*** Mariah Carey has signed a new deal with Virgin records. This is probably the first time Mariah Carey and Virgin have been used in the same sentence since she was twelve.

*** I saw the ads for this new movie "Just Visiting". Seems like it'll be "Just Visiting" theaters for this weekend.

*** Dan Rather says he regrets being at a Democratic function, claiming he didn't know it was a fundraiser. Typical Democrat: can't tell a fundraiser from his elbow. If he were any dumber he'd be president.

*** I don't need a weatherman to tell me that this guy blows.

*** Murray Brandis Jordan, the producer of the TV show "Cops", was arrested for drunk-driving this week. As is typical for drunk-drivers he was shirtless and screaming an unending stream of bleeped expletives. He has yet to sign a release for the airing of his arrest. He's holding out for a producing credit.

*** A California man  has been charged with cutting off a dead man's penis and keeping it in jar before flushing it down the toilet. It sounds crazy, but how do we know it wasn't the dead guy's last wish?

*** A Ricky Martin look-alike has been arrested in connection with the rape of two San Diego, California women. They knew it was a look-alike and not the actual Ricky Martin because it was women who were raped.

*** Aaron Bazaar of Maryland says he lost $8,000 by responding to an unsolicited e-mail touting what appeared to be a way to legally eliminate federal income taxes but was actually an illegal pyramid scheme. Hey, Aaron, I can straighten this whole thing out for just $2,000. E-mail me, okay?

*** Did anyone see that new sitcom about George W. Bush called "That's My Bush!"? Say, isn't that the same name as that sitcom about Bill Clinton?

*** Lastly, Dr. Laura's TV show has been cancelled. She blames gay activists for the cancellation of her show. Well, of course gays wanted her off the air. She was starting to give sucking a bad name.

And, that’s that.

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