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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 04-13-01

*** It's Tax Time, America! BEND OVER!

*** How did this whole government "of the people, for the people, and by the people" devolve into just government "paid for by the people"?

*** They say there's no taxation without representation, but even the retarded get taxed. When was the last time you saw a retarded politician? Oh, right. Last night on the news apologizing to the Chinese. Never mind.

*** In all fairness I should point out that there is a group of people delighted to pay their taxes. They're called masochists.

*** I think we pay them in April so we can all be April Fools.

*** They say the average American works 122 days just to pay his taxes. That leaves 243 days left to earn his keep. But wait. The average American probably doesn't work weekends. That's 104 days out of the equation, leaving 139 days left. Two weeks vacation knocks it down to 125. Considering the 8 hour work day (or 1/4 day), lunch breaks, coffee breaks, and general goofing and jacking off --- I'd say the average American is lucky to break even on this whole working-for-a-living deal. 

*** It's a good thing I'm a slightly above average American. I'd hate to have to cut back on my clown porn collection.

*** They've ruined it. Naked News has hired a guy. Who's the dick to put a dick on Naked News?

*** They say New Jersey industries released 24 million pounds of toxins last year. I'll bet half that was just from liposuction on the cast of "The Sopranos".

*** The National Ethnic Coalition of Organizations (yes, we've run out of names, folks) is demanding an apology from Jay Leno for saying that Mayor Rudy Giuliani was "fascist" for appointing a decency committee on art. Gee, I wonder why Jay Leno was holding back there. You're Italian, Jay. If you don't like the guy just have him whacked.

*** I personally can't define decency, but I know what it is when I see it. And I hate it.

*** The National Association for Continence (see, I told you we've run out of names) has determined that the average American spends two weeks of the year in the bathroom. And, how was your vacation?

*** Gee, with my bowels I could probably spend two weeks in the bathroom every day.

*** Marlon Brando has signed to be in "Scary Movie 2". This one should be a whole lot scarier than the first. He's got a nude scene.

*** Eminem was sentenced to two years' probation for carrying a concealed weapon. Concealed weapon? And I thought he was just happy to see me. Anyway, with any luck by the time this is all over the only place you'll be seeing Eminem is on "Behind The Music".

*** Andrew "Dice" Clay says that, "Eminem does the same material I do as a comic, but he puts a beat to it." Wow. I didn't know "Dice" hated Eminem too.

*** Kevin Costner brought a copy of his movie "Thirteen Days" to Cuba for a screening with Fidel Castro. Is it just me or does anyone else remember when people used to go to Kevin Costner movies instead of the movies going to them?

*** David Graf, who played Tackleberry in all those "Police Academy" movies, is dead. I was reading his obit and it confirmed for me that there really are worse things than death. He once played Tom Arnold in the TV movie "Roseanne: An Unauthorized Biography".  What could be worse than that?

*** Did you hear about the guy who dumped urine and feces all over the salad bar at a Midtown Manhattan deli? "Urine and feces? Is that the House dressing?"

*** By the way, that's the number one and number two reason I never eat from a salad bar.

*** Steve Buscemi was stabbed in the head three times during a bar brawl while on location in Wilmington, North Carolina to film a movie. It's a good thing he wasn't on the set. The director would've yelled "Cut!" and he would've been stabbed again.

*** Is everyone else as excited as I am about women's professional soccer? Finally, some women with balls.

*** Bill Clinton was caught riding an elephant in India. Will this guy ever learn? (Insert your own Monica Lewinsky joke here.)

*** Johnny Hart's in trouble again. No, not for reckless endangerment of a fig tree this time. No. This time he's drawn a "B.C." strip, set to run Sunday, in which the candles burn down on a menorah and the menorah is replaced by a cross. This has angered many Jewish rights groups. I say we just yank that strip right out of the paper and replace it with a "Wizard of Id". Or would that offend too many cavemen?

*** In honor of Good Friday the 13th, the town of Crystal Lake has nailed Jason Vorhees to a cross. Don't worry, he'll be back on Sunday.

*** Rumors abound that Britney Spears' debut novel may have been written by a ghost writer. Boy, that Casper is one talented little dead boy.

*** Paul Hogan is suing to get credit for writing "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles". There's a guy who doesn't know when people are doing him a favor.

*** You know, I think I'd actually like to see that new "Crocodile Dundee" movie. But I hate being alone.

And, that’s that.

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