*** It's Tax Time, America! BEND OVER!
*** How did this whole government "of
the people, for the people, and
by the people" devolve into just government "paid for by the
*** They say there's no taxation
without representation, but even the
retarded get taxed. When was the last time you saw a retarded
right. Last night on the news apologizing to the Chinese. Never mind.
*** In all fairness I should point out
that there is a group of people
delighted to pay their taxes. They're called masochists.
*** I think we pay them in April so we
can all be April Fools.
*** They say the average American
works 122 days just to pay his taxes.
That leaves 243 days left to earn his keep. But wait. The average
probably doesn't work weekends. That's 104 days out of the equation,
days left. Two weeks vacation knocks it down to 125. Considering the 8
day (or 1/4 day), lunch breaks, coffee breaks, and general goofing and
off --- I'd say the average American is lucky to break even on this
*** It's a good thing I'm a slightly
above average American. I'd hate to
have to cut back on my clown porn collection.
*** They've ruined it. Naked News has
hired a guy. Who's the dick to put a
dick on Naked News?
*** They say New Jersey industries
released 24 million pounds of toxins
last year. I'll bet half that was just from liposuction on the cast of
*** The National Ethnic Coalition of
Organizations (yes, we've run out of
names, folks) is demanding an apology from Jay Leno for saying that
Giuliani was "fascist" for appointing a decency committee on art. Gee,
I wonder why Jay Leno was holding back there. You're Italian, Jay. If
like the guy just have him whacked.
*** I personally can't define decency,
but I know what it is when I see
it. And I hate it.
*** The National Association for
Continence (see, I told you we've run out
of names) has determined that the average American spends two weeks of
in the bathroom. And, how was your vacation?
*** Gee, with my bowels I could
probably spend two weeks in the bathroom
*** Marlon Brando has signed to be in
"Scary Movie 2". This one
should be a whole lot scarier than the first. He's got a nude scene.
*** Eminem was sentenced to two years'
probation for carrying a concealed
weapon. Concealed weapon? And I thought he was just happy to see me.
with any luck by the time this is all over the only place you'll be
Eminem is on "Behind The Music".
*** Andrew "Dice" Clay says that,
"Eminem does the same
material I do as a comic, but he puts a beat to it." Wow. I didn't know
"Dice" hated Eminem too.
*** Kevin Costner brought a copy of
his movie "Thirteen Days" to
Cuba for a screening with Fidel Castro. Is it just me or does anyone
remember when people used to go to Kevin Costner movies instead of the
going to them?
*** David Graf, who played Tackleberry
in all those "Police
Academy" movies, is dead. I was reading his obit and it confirmed for
that there really are worse things than death. He once played Tom
Arnold in the
TV movie "Roseanne: An Unauthorized Biography". What could be
worse than that?
*** Did you hear about the guy who
dumped urine and feces all over the
salad bar at a Midtown Manhattan deli? "Urine and feces? Is that the
*** By the way, that's the number one
and number two reason I never eat
from a salad bar.
*** Steve Buscemi was stabbed in the
head three times during a bar brawl
while on location in Wilmington, North Carolina to film a movie. It's a
thing he wasn't on the set. The director would've yelled "Cut!" and he
would've been stabbed again.
*** Is everyone else as excited as I
am about women's professional soccer?
Finally, some women with balls.
*** Bill Clinton was caught riding an
elephant in India. Will this guy
ever learn? (Insert your own Monica Lewinsky joke here.)
*** Johnny Hart's in trouble again.
No, not for reckless endangerment of a
fig tree this time. No. This time he's drawn a "B.C." strip, set to
run Sunday, in which the candles burn down on a menorah and the menorah
replaced by a cross. This has angered many Jewish rights groups. I say
yank that strip right out of the paper and replace it with a "Wizard of
Id". Or would that offend too many cavemen?
*** In honor of Good Friday the 13th,
the town of Crystal Lake has nailed
Jason Vorhees to a cross. Don't worry, he'll be back on Sunday.
*** Rumors abound that Britney Spears'
debut novel may have been written
by a ghost writer. Boy, that Casper is one talented little dead boy.
*** Paul Hogan is suing to get credit
for writing "Crocodile Dundee
in Los Angeles". There's a guy who doesn't know when people are doing
*** You know, I think I'd actually
like to see that new "Crocodile
Dundee" movie. But I hate being alone.
And, that’s that.
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