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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 04-20-01

*** I don't know what finger they used when "Freddie Got Fingered", but we can be pretty sure it wasn't a thumb pointing up.

*** This movie is so bad Adam Sandler is Tom Green with envy. It's so bad Pauly Shore was surprised he wasn't in it.

*** Drew Barrymore says that she picks Tom Green's boogers. I hear she also helps pick his scripts. I wonder how she can tell them apart.

*** Hey, Kids! Joey Ramone is dead. Well, I guess that's one way to stop a cretin from hoppin'.

*** Aaron Sorkin was arrested for carrying a bagful of magic mushrooms onto a plane headed for Las Vegas. This was all part of research he was doing for a new character he planned on introducing on "The West Wing": the president's brother.

*** The View's Lisa Ling ran the Boston Marathon this week. I'll bet she beat out every heterosexual man in that race. Wouldn't you stay behind her just to check out her ass? It's hypnotic.

*** Mel Brooks has turned his movie "The Producers" into a Broadway musical. This sounded like such a bad idea for a play that Mel got little old ladies to over-invest in it. This could spell trouble if it turns into any sort of a hit.

*** It's National TV-Turnoff Week. No wonder UPN is debuting some new shows this week. There's no bigger TV turnoff than that.

*** P. Diddy was pulled over for riding a scooter with a suspended license. This kinda thing would've ruined the good name of Puff Daddy. No wonder he changed it. 

*** Did anyone else try electronic filing for their taxes? Exactly how do you send an arm and a leg over the internet?

*** Fourteen-year-old rap star Lil' Bow Wow is all set to make his big screen debut in "Like Mike". It's about a kid who finds a pair of sneakers once worn by Michael Jordan  that now bestow magic powers. What are the odds that someone named "Lil' Bow Wow" will be in a dog of a movie? I mean, it sounds as good as "Shazam", but you never know.

*** Madonna is auctioning off some of her sweat-stained underwear. No word yet on who stained them.

*** Did you hear about the Bra Ball? It's a 1,200-pound mammoth sculpture made entirely of bras. I think this artist could've have saved a lot of time and money if he just borrowed one of Anna Nicole Smith's bras.

*** In Ann Arbor, Michigan, the "Naked Mile" run drew 24 runners and roughly 7,000 spectators. These are the exact opposite numbers of the XFL.

*** If they really want to make sure no one sees that Timothy McVeigh execution they should run it during half time of the XFL's "Big Game At The End".

*** The NFL draft is this weekend. In related news, the XFL blows this weekend.

*** Steven Spielberg has resigned his post on the board of the Boy Scouts of America because of their gay ban. Just a question: Which is the gay Ban, the spray or the roll-on? I just wanna know so I don't use the wrong one.

*** Most parents celebrated the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre by locking up their gun cabinets. We all need reminding sometimes.

*** A new study says that the average American uses 57 sheets of toilet paper a day. I love studies like this. There's no greater feeling in the world than to be above average at something.

*** A Kissimme, Florida Hooters waitress is suing for what she calls, "breast-feeding harassment". She claims that ever since she started breast-feeding she's been the butt of endless jokes by management and co-workers. Well, of course. It's Hooters. You're supposed to use your breasts to sell food, not give it away.

*** Some Dartmouth frat boys are in trouble for publishing a newsletter offering date-rape tips. Hey, boys. I've got some news for you. In prison you don't get a date.

*** There was a primary school teacher in Japan who pulled down two students' pants to "teach them a lesson". And that lesson was: boys and girls really are different.

*** Scientists have cracked the genetic code for cheese. Can a John Tesh clone be far behind?

*** Old Dirty Bastard was sentenced to 2 to 4 years on his drug charges. It's not all that bad. I mean, he could get time off for good behavior. Oh, wait. He's Old Dirty Bastard. What was I thinking? Good behavior? Hah!

*** Eric Clapton will be a father again at age 56. Let's hope this time he gives birth to a bouncing baby boy.

And, thatís that.

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