*** I don't know what drug he was doing this time, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't cocaine. How can you possibly snort anything with your head up your own ass? Although, I guess he could've been doing crack.

*** Next stop for Robert Downey, Jr.: a career-free drug-zone.

*** "Skippy" Malloy pled guilty to assaulting David Spade with a stun gun. He blamed the whole ordeal on a cocaine problem. Maybe you can do cocaine with your head up your own ass. What do I know?

*** Al Gore has gained forty pounds since losing the election. Right now he has a bigger ass than he is.

*** Speaking of heavyweights, we've got a new heavyweight champion: Hasim Rahman. They're calling this a surprise upset, but it was only a surprise to those who hadn't read the script.

*** The ex-heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis was spending most of his pre-fight time telling anyone and everyone that he's not gay. Gay or not, that's one guy you don't want fisting you.

*** The National Forest Service is changing Smokey the Bear's slogan from "Only you can prevent forest fires" to "That Boy Scout I got this hat and pants from sure was tasty."

*** Did you hear about that dead guy on a Continental flight? I wonder if he had a few stiff drinks before taking off.

*** Stedman Graham, Oprah's longtime whatever, has written a book about how to become a success. It's called "Don't Ask Me."

*** Britain is all set to ban human cloning. They've decided to stick with in-breeding since it's worked so well for the Royal Family.

*** "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" will be moving from the WB network to UPN. UPN has signed a two-year $102 million deal. After which they immediately filed for bankruptcy.

*** With "Buffy" as part of their line-up they'll have to change their name. UPN does stand for "Unwatched Programs Network", doesn't it?

*** Basketball-player Charlie Ward found himself in quite a crucifix when he said that Jews are stubborn, they persecute Christians and they killed Christ. You keep talking like that Charlie and people are gonna start calling you "Mental" Ward.

*** I'll bet people have been calling him "Mental" Ward ever since he became a born-again Christian.

*** What is it with born-again Christians? Why do they say such stupid things? Maybe they should try reading more than just one book in a lifetime.

*** Rumors are abuzz about a possible romance between Meg Ryan and Mellissa Etheridge. Hey, "You've Got No Male".

*** Did you all see that Winona Rider/ Jennifer Aniston kiss? With "Friends" like that, who needs porno?

*** Why all the hype about the Kentucky Derby? You've seen one hat, you've seen them all.

*** Eminem will be posing nude with a stick of dynamite covering his ugly bit. Why send dynamite to do the job of a firecracker?

*** The only way I'll be "Driven" to that new Stallone movie is against my will.

*** If it becomes a federal crime to "harm a fetus", we'll be depriving every masochistic fetus of its "right to the pursuit of happiness".  Sounds unconstitutional to me.

*** Did you hear about that Gastonia, Virginia guy who beheaded and skinned a dog and was sentenced to read "Lassie"? It's true. Experts are always saying that animal abusers never stop there. So, I'm wondering, if he ends up beheading a human next, will he be sentenced to read O.J.'s "I Want To Tell You"?

*** Just a question: If there's more than one way to skin a cat, does that hold true for dogs, too?

*** Is Drew Barrymore set to star in a remake of Rosemary's Baby? Or is she really having Tom Green's child?

*** There's a new warning label on Canadian beer bottles: "Drinking during pregnancy is the leading known cause of mental retardation in Canada". Gee, I didn't know Tom Green's mom was a drunk.

*** Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, was cited for underage drinking this week. Was that before or after "Take Your Daughter To Work Day"? Or during?