*** Robert Downey, Jr. was arrested
this week. And, yes, this is a new
*** I don't know what drug he was
doing this time, but I'm pretty sure it
wasn't cocaine. How can you possibly snort anything with your head up
ass? Although, I guess he could've been doing crack.
*** Next stop for Robert Downey, Jr.:
a career-free drug-zone.
*** "Skippy" Malloy pled guilty to
assaulting David Spade with a
stun gun. He blamed the whole ordeal on a cocaine problem. Maybe you
cocaine with your head up your own ass. What do I know?
*** Al Gore has gained forty pounds
since losing the election. Right now
he has a bigger ass than he is.
*** Speaking of heavyweights, we've
got a new heavyweight champion: Hasim
Rahman. They're calling this a surprise upset, but it was only a
those who hadn't read the script.
*** The ex-heavyweight champ Lennox
Lewis was spending most of his
pre-fight time telling anyone and everyone that he's not gay. Gay or
one guy you don't want fisting you.
*** The National Forest Service is
changing Smokey the Bear's slogan from
"Only you can prevent forest fires" to "That Boy Scout I got this
hat and pants from sure was tasty."
*** Did you hear about that dead guy
on a Continental flight? I wonder if
he had a few stiff drinks before taking off.
*** Stedman Graham, Oprah's longtime
whatever, has written a book about
how to become a success. It's called "Don't Ask Me."
*** Britain is all set to ban human
cloning. They've decided to stick with
in-breeding since it's worked so well for the Royal Family.
*** "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" will be
moving from the WB
network to UPN. UPN has signed a two-year $102 million deal. After
immediately filed for bankruptcy.
*** With "Buffy" as part of their
line-up they'll have to change
their name. UPN does stand for "Unwatched Programs Network", doesn't
*** Basketball-player Charlie Ward
found himself in quite a crucifix when
he said that Jews are stubborn, they persecute Christians and they
Christ. You keep talking like that Charlie and people are gonna start
you "Mental" Ward.
*** I'll bet people have been calling
him "Mental" Ward ever
since he became a born-again Christian.
*** What is it with born-again
Christians? Why do they say such stupid
things? Maybe they should try reading more than just one book in a
*** Rumors are abuzz about a possible
romance between Meg Ryan and
Mellissa Etheridge. Hey, "You've Got No Male".
*** Did you all see that Winona Rider/
Jennifer Aniston kiss? With
"Friends" like that, who needs porno?
*** Why all the hype about the
Kentucky Derby? You've seen one hat, you've
seen them all.
*** Eminem will be posing nude with a
stick of dynamite covering his ugly
bit. Why send dynamite to do the job of a firecracker?
*** The only way I'll be "Driven" to
that new Stallone movie is
against my will.
*** If it becomes a federal crime to
"harm a fetus", we'll be
depriving every masochistic fetus of its "right to the pursuit of
happiness". Sounds unconstitutional to me.
*** Did you hear about that Gastonia,
Virginia guy who beheaded and
skinned a dog and was sentenced to read "Lassie"? It's true. Experts
are always saying that animal abusers never stop there. So, I'm
wondering, if he
ends up beheading a human next, will he be sentenced to read O.J.'s "I
To Tell You"?
*** Just a question: If there's more
than one way to skin a cat, does that
hold true for dogs, too?
*** Is Drew Barrymore set to star in a
remake of Rosemary's Baby? Or is
she really having Tom Green's child?
*** There's a new warning label on
Canadian beer bottles: "Drinking
during pregnancy is the leading known cause of mental retardation in
Canada". Gee, I didn't know Tom Green's mom was a drunk.
*** Jenna Bush, daughter of the
president, was cited for underage drinking
this week. Was that before or after "Take Your Daughter To Work Day"?
*** Lastly, it's the so-called
celebration of George Bush's first 100 days
in office. It's amazing, but in that time he's been doing the work of
Abbott, Costello, Laurel, Hardy, Mo, Larry, Curly, Shemp, Cheech, and
And, that’s that.
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