*** I know Tom Cruise was in a few
good men, but does that make him gay?
*** Gay or not, his last two movies
*** American billionaire Dennis Tito
has become the world's first space
tourist after paying $20 million for the privilege. For that kind of
could've gotten Tom Cruise. To be in a movie, of course.
*** Director James Cameron and his
wife celebrated the birth of their
daughter just four weeks ago. In related news, James Cameron wants to
world's second space tourist. Because, "In space, no one can hear that
*** Jennifer Lopez debuted her
signature clothing line this past week.
Jennifer Lopez's clothes. Now that's something worth looking into.
*** Did you hear about that Burger
King lawsuit? A couple claims that
employees in an upstate New York Burger King spit and urinated on their
before serving them. If these people wanted burgers without spit and
should have asked. They've got teenagers working in these places, not
*** Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg are set to
co-star in a movie together. I propose
a five-day waiting period to buy tickets to this thing.
*** Alex Trebeck has shaved off his
mustache. Now all he's gotta do is
divorce his wife and he'll be free of his beard as well.
*** Ryan O'Neal has leukemia.
Ironically, the very same illness that struck
down Ali McGraw in his biggest hit "Love Story". Which reminds me,
"If love means never having to say you're sorry, then true love
never having to watch Love Story."
*** Surgeons removed a cancerous
growth from George Harrison this past
week. No, not Ringo. It was a tumor.
*** Other surgeons removed a cancerous
growth from Eddie Van Halen. No,
not David Lee Roth. It was Sammy Hagar.
*** "Dharma and Greg" will be back for
a fifth season in the fall,
thus renewing ABC's commitment to mediocrity.
*** NPR's "All Things Considered"
celebrated its thirtieth
anniversary this week. Say, if they been considering "all things" for
the past thirty years, don't you think they'd be done by now?
*** The murder rate in New York has
gone down. Ever since the Sopranos,
folks've been doing all their killings in Jersey. One added benefit is:
the toxic fumes it takes a lot longer for a corpse to start stinkin' up
*** The U.S. military has come up with
a new more environmentally friendly
lead-free bullet. Who knew that all these years people weren't dying
gunshot wounds but rather from lead-poisoning?
*** The Mummy returns this week. He
better have that money he ripped me off
for on that last movie or else he's really gonna need bandages.
*** First Lady Laura Bush was named to
People Magazine's list of the "50
Most Beautiful People". This has got to be the Braille edition, right?
*** Reports are that Catherine Zeta
Jones has had plastic surgery on her
eyes. This raises an interesting question: Who knew she even had eyes?
*** And the Kennedy Center's Mark
Twain Prize for humor goes to --- Whoopi
Goldberg. This makes perfect sense. Who can forget the phrase on
at the turn-of-the-century? "I'll take Mark Twain to block."
*** The Committe to Protect
Journalists has compiled a list of the "10 Worst
Enemies of the Press". The list includes the leaders of Iran, China,
and the entire Fox News Channel.
*** The Star reports that Bill Clinton
has been embroiled (their word) in a
secret affair with multi-millionaire mom (nice work if you can get it)
Duff. She swears they were never alone. Never, ever. Interesting. Who
Bill Clinton could find a mistress into threesomes?
*** FBI director Louis Freeh announced
he will resign his post in June. And
after that's all over and done with, he's thinking of quitting his job,
*** James Woods will be replacing the
too-sick-to-work Marlon Brando in
"Scary Movie 2". I'm sure he can easily fill Brando's shoes, but
trying filling his pants, Jimmy.
*** Republicans in the Ohio House are
seeking a 5 percent tax on all pro
wrestling events in the state. Isn't this like "double jeopardy" on
the stupid? First, you're in Ohio ---
*** Glen Moyer, one of the world's
oldest twins died recently at 105 years
old. When reached for a comment his brother said, "You mean, that's not
in the coffin."
*** Engelbert Humperdinck told Stuff
magazine, "I was once visited in
Barbados by the ghost of a woman with a hip replacement." And that's
last time you'll see "Engelbert Humperdinck" and "hip" used
in the same sentence without the word "not".
*** Margot Kidder has joined the fight
against mental illness. Her slogan:
"Help fight mental illness. Kill me."
And, that’s that.
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