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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 05-04-01

*** I know Tom Cruise was in a few good men, but does that make him gay?

*** Gay or not, his last two movies sure sucked.

*** American billionaire Dennis Tito has become the world's first space tourist after paying $20 million for the privilege. For that kind of money he could've gotten Tom Cruise. To be in a movie, of course.

*** Director James Cameron and his wife celebrated the birth of their daughter just four weeks ago. In related news, James Cameron wants to be the world's second space tourist. Because, "In space, no one can hear that baby scream."

*** Jennifer Lopez debuted her signature clothing line this past week. Jennifer Lopez's clothes. Now that's something worth looking into.

*** Did you hear about that Burger King lawsuit? A couple claims that employees in an upstate New York Burger King spit and urinated on their Whoppers before serving them. If these people wanted burgers without spit and urine they should have asked. They've got teenagers working in these places, not mind readers. Geez.

*** Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg are set to co-star in a movie together. I propose a five-day waiting period to buy tickets to this thing.

*** Alex Trebeck has shaved off his mustache. Now all he's gotta do is divorce his wife and he'll be free of his beard as well.

*** Ryan O'Neal has leukemia. Ironically, the very same illness that struck down Ali McGraw in his biggest hit "Love Story". Which reminds me, "If  love means never having to say you're sorry, then true love means never having to watch Love Story."

*** Surgeons removed a cancerous growth from George Harrison this past week. No, not Ringo. It was a tumor.

*** Other surgeons removed a cancerous growth from Eddie Van Halen. No, not David Lee Roth. It was Sammy Hagar.

*** "Dharma and Greg" will be back for a fifth season in the fall, thus renewing ABC's commitment to mediocrity.

*** NPR's "All Things Considered" celebrated its thirtieth anniversary this week. Say, if they been considering "all things" for the past thirty years, don't you think they'd be done by now?

*** The murder rate in New York has gone down. Ever since the Sopranos, folks've been doing all their killings in Jersey. One added benefit is: with all the toxic fumes it takes a lot longer for a corpse to start stinkin' up the joint.

*** The U.S. military has come up with a new more environmentally friendly lead-free bullet. Who knew that all these years people weren't dying from their gunshot wounds but rather from lead-poisoning?

*** The Mummy returns this week. He better have that money he ripped me off for on that last movie or else he's really gonna need bandages.

*** First Lady Laura Bush was named to People Magazine's list of the "50 Most Beautiful People". This has got to be the Braille edition, right?

*** Reports are that Catherine Zeta Jones has had plastic surgery on her eyes. This raises an interesting question: Who knew she even had eyes?

*** And the Kennedy Center's Mark Twain Prize for humor goes to --- Whoopi Goldberg. This makes perfect sense. Who can forget the phrase on everyone's lips at the turn-of-the-century? "I'll take Mark Twain to block."

*** The Committe to Protect Journalists has compiled a list of the "10 Worst Enemies of the Press". The list includes the leaders of Iran, China, and Liberia, and the entire Fox News Channel.

*** The Star reports that Bill Clinton has been embroiled (their word) in a secret affair with multi-millionaire mom (nice work if you can get it) Patricia Duff. She swears they were never alone. Never, ever. Interesting. Who else but Bill Clinton could find a mistress into threesomes?

*** FBI director Louis Freeh announced he will resign his post in June. And after that's all over and done with, he's thinking of quitting his job, too.

*** James Woods will be replacing the too-sick-to-work Marlon Brando in "Scary Movie 2". I'm sure he can easily fill Brando's shoes, but trying filling his pants, Jimmy.

*** Republicans in the Ohio House are seeking a 5 percent tax on all pro wrestling events in the state. Isn't this like "double jeopardy" on the stupid? First, you're in Ohio ---

*** Glen Moyer, one of the world's oldest twins died recently at 105 years old. When reached for a comment his brother said, "You mean, that's not me in the coffin."

*** Engelbert Humperdinck told Stuff magazine, "I was once visited in Barbados by the ghost of a woman with a hip replacement." And that's the last time you'll see "Engelbert Humperdinck" and "hip" used in the same sentence without the word "not".

*** Margot Kidder has joined the fight against mental illness. Her slogan: "Help fight mental illness. Kill me."

And, that’s that.

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