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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 05-11-01

*** Hey, I don't believe for a minute that Robert Blake had anything to do with killing his wife. And I'm not alone. His house boy, Kato, and his lawyer, Johnny Cochran also say he didn't do it.

*** Hey, Bobby Blake! Outside of prison your best friend might be a cockatoo, but inside of prison --- a cock or two.

*** His dead wife's brother says he heard Blake threaten his wife, saying, "There's a bullet with your name on it." No, that wasn't a threat. That was a prediction. Get this guy a psychic chat line and quick. He's a regular old Nostril-dumb-ass.

*** Nobody's saying for sure whether she was shot by Baretta, but was she shot with a Baretta?

*** He could be innocent. Where in the world was Matt Lauer when all this was going on?

*** Robert Blake's lawyer continues to insist that the actor is in no shape to take a lie detector test. At least not until he can stop lying about this. What exactly is the statute of limitations on homicide?

*** "The Mummy Returns" broke some kind of box-office record this past weekend: most money by a non-holiday summer film opening in the spring against no competition. This should prove once and for all that Brendan Fraser is every bit the superstar he only hinted at in "Dudley DoRight", "Bedazzled" and "Monkey Bone".

*** The 54th Cannes Film Festival opened this week. This is an annual event where they hand out awards to films no one ever sees. Kind of like a Brendan Fraser marathon without "The Mummy".

*** The XFL has been cancelled. He Hate Me, the only XFL player anyone seems to have heard of, is now going back to his original name They Hate Me.

*** Doesn't Heath Ledger sound like the name of  Willy Wonka's accountant?

*** Traffic in L.A.? 56 hours last year. Now I know these director's cuts can get of hand, but c'mon Steven Soderbergh. Cut it in half, at least.

*** Melanie C of the Spice Girls told an interviewer she would rather "kiss a baboon's butt than kiss a smoker." And that's exactly how I ended up making out with Melanie C the other day. Not bad for a guy with a face like a baboon's butt.

*** Spice Girl Geri Halliwell told the London Sun, "When I'm about to go onstage I get a non-stop urge to go to the toilet. The toilet is always miles away so I pee in a cup." I guess those Spice Girls concerts are a lot more dangerous than I ever imagined. Why else would she be wearing a cup?

*** A new study claims that sexual education does not increase sexual activity. It turns out it's the horniness that does it.

*** Model Tyra Banks is seriously, folks, pursuing a career as a standup comic. I can hear it now: "My beauty may be only skin deep, but that's deep enough for most of you little dick boys out there. --- They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I know most of y'all wantin' to be holding me right now."

*** A new report says that "The Bible" is the most shoplifted book in America. I can only assume they hadn't read it first. Or at least not that particular section.

*** Baseball legend Yogi Berra turned 76 this past week. I thought he'd died years ago. Well, I guess it ain't over till it's over. Keep breathing, my friend.

*** All the original members of Duran Duran are getting back together for a tour. Sort of a re-Union of the Snake.

*** Paleontologists say the bones of a dinosaur found on the Isle of Wight should help them understand the evolution of  T-rex. How exactly did they come up with "Bang a Gong", and whose idea was it to put "Get It On" in parentheses on the forty-five?

*** Woody Allen is suing former friend and producer Jean Doumanian, charging that she cheated him out of profits on the last eight movies they made together. So, they're basically fighting over, what, fifty dollars? 

*** Model-turned-actress Patricia Velasquez, former ex of Sandra Bernhard and now on screen in "The Mummy Returns", told Vibe magazine that she has a strange way of knowing when she's in love. "Honestly, I get really bad diarrhea," she said. Now that's what I call love at first wipe.

*** John Wayne Bobbitt has decided to auction off the knife that was used to slice off his penis on eBay. Bids for the knife will be starting at $3 million. Now there's something that's gonna have to be cut: the price.

*** Did you hear about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape? I can get behind that!

*** Nicole Kidman has a stalker who wants to serenade her, tutor her children and marry her before running for U.S. president. I'll let you in on a little secret. Time management. That's how I get so much done.

*** A naked man walked into a North Dakota Cenex store early Sunday morning with a paper bag over his head, screamed for about five to ten seconds, and then left. Y'know, I heard the Unknown Comic was on the comeback trail, but I don't think he'll be headlining with that material.

*** German officials have ordered a man to remove an internet address from his mother's gravestone. That's too bad. I can't think of a better place to advertise DeadNudeMom.com?

*** A new USA Today survey has revealed some of the reasons we don't call our moms. 34% were too busy; 21% said it was too expensive; 15% were too tired and/or too lazy; 10% said she was dead; and the rest all said her voice echoes so loudly through my brain every moment of every day that a phone call would just be redundant. Happy Mother's Day.

And, that’s that.

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