*** Hey, I don't believe for a minute
that Robert Blake had anything to do
with killing his wife. And I'm not alone. His house boy, Kato, and his
Johnny Cochran also say he didn't do it.
*** Hey, Bobby Blake! Outside of
prison your best friend might be a
cockatoo, but inside of prison --- a cock or two.
*** His dead wife's brother says he
heard Blake threaten his wife, saying,
"There's a bullet with your name on it." No, that wasn't a threat.
That was a prediction. Get this guy a psychic chat line and quick. He's
regular old Nostril-dumb-ass.
*** Nobody's saying for sure whether
she was shot by Baretta, but was she
shot with a Baretta?
*** He could be innocent. Where in the
world was Matt Lauer when all this
was going on?
*** Robert Blake's lawyer continues to
insist that the actor is in no
shape to take a lie detector test. At least not until he can stop lying
this. What exactly is the statute of limitations on homicide?
*** "The Mummy Returns" broke some
kind of box-office record
this past weekend: most money by a non-holiday summer film opening in
against no competition. This should prove once and for all that Brendan
is every bit the superstar he only hinted at in "Dudley DoRight",
"Bedazzled" and "Monkey Bone".
*** The 54th Cannes Film Festival
opened this week. This is an annual
event where they hand out awards to films no one ever sees. Kind of
Brendan Fraser marathon without "The Mummy".
*** The XFL has been cancelled. He
Hate Me, the only XFL player anyone
seems to have heard of, is now going back to his original name They
*** Doesn't Heath Ledger sound like
the name of Willy Wonka's
*** Traffic in L.A.? 56 hours last
year. Now I know these director's cuts
can get of hand, but c'mon Steven Soderbergh. Cut it in half, at least.
*** Melanie C of the Spice Girls told
an interviewer she would rather
"kiss a baboon's butt than kiss a smoker." And that's exactly how I
ended up making out with Melanie C the other day. Not bad for a guy
with a face
like a baboon's butt.
*** Spice Girl Geri Halliwell told the
London Sun, "When I'm about to
go onstage I get a non-stop urge to go to the toilet. The toilet is
away so I pee in a cup." I guess those Spice Girls concerts are a lot
dangerous than I ever imagined. Why else would she be wearing a cup?
*** A new study claims that sexual
education does not increase sexual
activity. It turns out it's the horniness that does it.
*** Model Tyra Banks is seriously,
folks, pursuing a career as a standup
comic. I can hear it now: "My beauty may be only skin deep, but that's
enough for most of you little dick boys out there. --- They say beauty
is in the
eye of the beholder. And I know most of y'all wantin' to be holding me
*** A new report says that "The Bible"
is the most shoplifted
book in America. I can only assume they hadn't read it first. Or at
that particular section.
*** Baseball legend Yogi Berra turned
76 this past week. I thought he'd
died years ago. Well, I guess it ain't over till it's over. Keep
*** All the original members of Duran
Duran are getting back together for
a tour. Sort of a re-Union of the Snake.
*** Paleontologists say the bones of a
dinosaur found on the Isle of Wight
should help them understand the evolution of T-rex. How exactly
come up with "Bang a Gong", and whose idea was it to put "Get It
On" in parentheses on the forty-five?
*** Woody Allen is suing former friend
and producer Jean Doumanian,
charging that she cheated him out of profits on the last eight movies
together. So, they're basically fighting over, what, fifty
*** Model-turned-actress Patricia
Velasquez, former ex of Sandra Bernhard
and now on screen in "The Mummy Returns", told Vibe magazine that she
has a strange way of knowing when she's in love. "Honestly, I get
bad diarrhea," she said. Now that's what I call love at first wipe.
*** John Wayne Bobbitt has decided to
auction off the knife that was used
to slice off his penis on eBay. Bids for the knife will be starting at
million. Now there's something that's gonna have to be cut: the price.
*** Did you hear about the Jennifer
Lopez sex tape? I can get behind that!
*** Nicole Kidman has a stalker who
wants to serenade her, tutor her
children and marry her before running for U.S. president. I'll let you
in on a
little secret. Time management. That's how I get so much done.
*** A naked man walked into a North
Dakota Cenex store early Sunday
morning with a paper bag over his head, screamed for about five to ten
and then left. Y'know, I heard the Unknown Comic was on the comeback
I don't think he'll be headlining with that material.
*** German officials have ordered a
man to remove an internet address from
his mother's gravestone. That's too bad. I can't think of a better
*** A new USA Today survey has
revealed some of the reasons we don't call
our moms. 34% were too busy; 21% said it was too expensive; 15% were
and/or too lazy; 10% said she was dead; and the rest all said her voice
so loudly through my brain every moment of every day that a phone call
just be redundant. Happy Mother's Day.
And, that’s that.
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