*** How long till the incriminating stains show up? I love that part.

*** President Bush has set a new policy that no man can enter the Oval Office without a tie and jacket. The pants-optional policy of the Clinton administration remains in effect. You just better be wearing a tie and a jacket.

*** While in Poland, someone threw an egg at Bill Clinton. Why did the Pollack throw an egg at Bill Clinton? To go with his sperm.

*** In other Bill Clinton news, Queen Elizabeth is considering him for knighthood. That ceremony would mark the first time Bill Clinton was on his knees and the woman was standing.

*** The Louisiana House has condemned Charles Darwin and all teaching of evolution. I always thought the saying was, "Those who can't, teach." I guess in Louisiana you can't do either.

*** The price of gas has gone up so much I thought I was filling up at Starbuck's.

*** Brad Renfro, who starred in "The Client", was arrested once again. This time for underage drinking. Did this guy fall so in love with his part in "The Client" that he wants to spend the rest of his life being a lawyer's client? If so, whatever you're doing is working.

*** There's panic in India over attacks being carried out by a four-foot-tall ape-like creature dubbed the "Monkey Man". This raises an interesting question: Where in the world was Matt Lauer while all this was going on?

*** Vatican Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger has advised Catholics not to masturbate after a three year study of a pro-masturbation priest's arguments. I've got a few questions: First, why did it take three years? Anyone else taking a whack at this would've come much quicker to a decision. Second, isn't a pro-masturbation priest better for their overall image than all those pro-pedophilia ones you keep hearing about? And lastly, since when is it wrong to do your own thing?

*** The Supreme Court has ruled against the medical use of marijuana. I called the Supreme Court to talk to Justice Souter about this, but all they kept saying was, "Dave? Dave's not here, man!" Well, if we can't use it for medical reasons, can we at least still use it to get high?

*** Timothy McVeigh's execution has been postponed in light of recently uncovered FBI documents pertaining to the case. I'm thinking FBI must now stand for Filed By Idiots.

*** About the litigious Miss Columbia? Finally, a Columbian import that people wanna do that won't require rolling papers, a spoon, or a needle. 

*** Belinda Carlisle, lead singer of the Go-Go's, has posed nude for Playboy at age 42. How did they get those lips unsealed? And why did it take so long?

*** Emeril Lagasse, the TV chef, will star in his own sitcom this fall. Two episodes --- Bam! --- Cancelled!

*** Professional Hippie Wavy Gravy turned 65 this week. "Don't take the brown Metamucil, man!"

*** The NRA kicks off its in annual convention in Kansas City today. They expect 40,000 gun enthusiasts over the weekend. They were expecting 40,001 but Robert Blake's wife had to cancel.

*** O.J. Simpson told "Extra" this week that he had some advice for Robert Blake. "Don't watch TV. Don't say anything negative about the wife. Don't take a lie detector test. Oh, and, next time --- use a knife."

*** New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani's estranged wife Donna Hanover has refused to leave Gracie Mansion, official home of the mayor. She's also refused to allow any further visits from the mayor's girlfriend Judi Nathan. I'm not sure, but I think O.J. might have some advice for the mayor. 

*** Author Douglas Adams died this week. Well, that's the end of life, the universe, and everything for that guy. So long, and thanks for all the books.

*** Singer Perry Como died this week. How could they tell? Actually, I bring this up just to ask: Was his wife a Como-sexual? It's just something I'd always heard.

*** Jennifer Lopez was voted sexiest woman in the world by British men's magazine FHM. I've never heard of FHM. It must stand for Full Hieney Magazine.

*** General Mills has announced that they may come out with a 100 % natural Twinkie made of all organic ingredients. Who is this for? Health conscious people who don't care what they eat.

*** An upcoming issue of "Sixteen" magazine will feature a pin-up of Regis Philbin. "Who Wants To Be Nauseous?"

*** Tickets to see Madonna in concert are going for as much as $250. And yet people are still calling Madonna a "cheap" slut.