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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 05-25-01

*** Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords has finally made a name for himself in the Republican Party: Doody Head.

*** He's left the Republican Party to become an Independent. He was considering the Democratic Party, but he just didn't feel he was horny enough.

*** This move breaks up the 50/50 split in the Senate, but everything else in the Senate will continue to suck just the same.

*** It makes sense that he'd leave the Republican Party. After all, wouldn't you leave a party if you were surrounded by right-wing nut jobs? 

*** Charlton Heston, for the fourth time elected president of the NRA said, "You'll have this presidency when you can pry it from my cold, dead hands, you damn dirty apes."

*** Pearl Harbor was released in movie theaters today. How did this film sneak up on us? 

*** Janet Reno is considering a run for Governor of Florida. That's one way to insure there won't be any bush in the governor's mansion.

*** A Canadian survey reports that two out of three people would rather shower with a celebrity than with their partner. And with Robert Downey, Jr and Robert Blake possibly heading off to prison it looks like a lot of inmates will get their wish.

*** Barbara Walters is upset with ABC television for switching "20/20" from Fridays to Wednesdays. I'm a little upset too. Now I've gotta remember not to watch on Wednesdays instead of not watching on Fridays. It sucks to be me.

*** Bob Dylan turned 60 this week. Dylan once said, "he not busy being born is busy dying". Have you seen Dylan lately? From the looks of things, this is one busy guy.

*** Once again there's talk of banning the use of cell phones while driving. At least that's what the phone sex lady was telling me on my way to work today.

*** Monica Lewinsky wants her stained dress back. Did stains all of a sudden come back in style? Or, did she gain all that weight back?

*** In other Monica news, the Vac-Tron vacuum cleaner company is selling a new model called Monica II. I hear the replacement bags are real cheap, too.

*** The British magazine Country Living has published photos of eligible bachelors to try to lure young women back to the countryside. This is a much needed public service, what with that hoof and mouth disease killing off all the sheep.

*** Al Sharpton says he wants to run for president as a Democrat in 2004. George W. Bush has become his first campaign donator.

*** The manuscript of Jack Kerouac's "On The Road" sold for $2.2 million at auction this week. I don't know what the guy who bought this was thinking. "On the Road" sells for $10.36 at Amazon, $19.96 for the hardcover. What a dumb ass.

*** President Bush was given an honorary law degree by Yale this week. Isn't that his second honorary degree from Yale?

*** AOL will be raising its subscription rate by $1.95. This will help offset the postage increase for mailing out all those disks.

*** Did you hear about that Florida guy who killed his wife because she would not stop washing her hands? True, it's a tragic story. But on the plus side she's no longer washing her hands all the time. 

*** Sylvester Stallone told an interviewer, "I build my body to carry my brain around." Do you need muscles that big to carry around something that small?

*** Did you hear about that woman who bit off her rapist's testicles? I guess it's true what they say: when it comes to nuts, you can't eat just one.

*** You know what they call that guy's pants now? The Make Believe Ball Room.

*** Boy George has released a cook book. There's no boiling, no broiling, no roasting. Just flaming.

*** VH1 will be making an original feature "MC Hammer", based on the life of the rapper. "You Can't Watch This!"

*** Firestone is ending its 95-year relationship with the Ford Motor Company. This is the worst bust up since --- well, since their tires.

*** The American Film Institute gave Barbra Streisand a lifetime achievement award. I'm hoping that's there way of telling her, "Enough Already!"

*** Monday is Memorial Day. A day put aside to honor our dead. Does this mean even necrophiliacs get the day off?

And, that’s that.

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