*** Austin, Texas police caught the
Bush Twins trying to buy alcohol
again, with Jena using someone else's ID. It's a whole lot more
using someone else's IUD.
*** Did Jena really think she could
pass for Nipsey Russell?
*** I wonder if those are the same
Bush Twins I've wearing out the tape of
in my VCR.
*** The brassiere turned 112 years old
this past week. Despite a few
burnings here and there, she still holds up pretty nicely.
*** If she lived, Marilyn Monroe would
have turned 75 today. And, after
celebrating briefly, spent the rest of the day breaking her nails while
at the inside of her coffin.
*** Clint Eastwood turned 71 this
week. "The Man With No Name"
has become "The Man With No Erection".
*** Bob Hope turned 98 this week. He's
so old Strom Thurmond laughs at
him. And he's the only one.
*** The son of slain "Hogan's Heroes"
star Bob Crane has
released a book of X-rated photos showing his dad having sex with
women and participating in orgies. Nude photos of Bob Crane? I need
that like I
need a hole in the head.
*** After hours and hours of holding
this book open with one hand, Sgt.
Schultz was heard to cry out, "I see nothing!"
*** Former "Survivor" Colleen Haskell,
currently co-starring in
"The Animal", says she learned everything she knows about acting from
Rob Schneider. I guess it's true what they say, "Those who can't ---
teach." I wonder what she did with the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of
*** Rick Schroder is leaving the cast
of "NYPD Blue". What an
ass! Oh, and he's real dopey for leaving the show too.
*** It's been rumored that Prince
Philip said his son, Prince Charles, is
"lacking in the dedication needed to be king". This can only mean one
thing: Charles was adopted.
*** Prince, the Artist Formerly Known
as Sane, has become a Jehovah's
Witness and sworn off swearing. Well, if he plans on knocking on doors
giving out copies of "Watchtower", he'll hear enough swearing from
others to more than make up the difference.
*** In Paris, a man tried to
extinguish the "eternal flame"
beneath the Arc de Triumph by sitting on it. What a flaming asshole.
*** The Supreme Court has ruled that
disabled golfer Casey Martin has the
legal right to ride in a golf cart during PGA tournaments. Pretty soon
golfers will want to ride instead of walk. After all, don't all golfers
*** Christina Aguilera is buying a
new, more secure house because fans
keep stealing the garbage from her current one. Why can't they just
she puts it out on CD?
*** A new report states that over
three million Chinese drink their own
urine. Are there some who'll just drinking anyone's urine? I don't know
you, but I think that's taking recycling just a bit too far.
*** The Centers for Disease Control
report that 60% of all drownings
involve drugs or alcohol. What percent of pregnancies?
*** A 62 year old French woman gave
birth to a boy on May 14th. I sure
hope this woman knows enough not to breast feed, that milk has got to
its expiration date by now. That kid could end up choking on the
that comes out.
*** At least 70 people who worked on
"Sesame Street" have been
fired. These pink slips have been brought to you by the letters "U"
and "F", but not necessarily in that order.
*** New research has discovered that
paper money is just crawling with all
kinds of infectious germs and bacteria. And so are at least half the
G-strings I'm filling with tens and twenties. (It's dark. They never
later it's just ones with zeros penned in next to them. By the time
it out, I'm home vigorously remembering with both hands.)
*** Hey, Martin Lawrence, I'll tell
you "What's the Worst That Could
Happen?" A sequel to "Big Momma's House".
*** A Miami Herald poll shows that a
gubernatorial race between Jeb Bush
and Janet Reno would be very, very close. Hey, so would a dick
*** Anne Heche says she's getting
married. To a guy! I'm pretty sure
that's just the licker talking.
*** 25 years after the "Thrilla in
Manilla", the names Ali and
Frazier are back in the sports pages as their daughters fight it out in
many are calling the "Stunt With the Cunts".
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