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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-01-01

*** Austin, Texas police caught the Bush Twins trying to buy alcohol again, with Jena using someone else's ID. It's a whole lot more sanitary than using someone else's IUD.

*** Did Jena really think she could pass for Nipsey Russell?

*** I wonder if those are the same Bush Twins I've wearing out the tape of in my VCR.

*** The brassiere turned 112 years old this past week. Despite a few burnings here and there, she still holds up pretty nicely.

*** If she lived, Marilyn Monroe would have turned 75 today. And, after celebrating briefly, spent the rest of the day breaking her nails while clawing at the inside of her coffin.

*** Clint Eastwood turned 71 this week. "The Man With No Name" has become "The Man With No Erection".

*** Bob Hope turned 98 this week. He's so old Strom Thurmond laughs at him. And he's the only one.

*** The son of slain "Hogan's Heroes" star Bob Crane has released a book of X-rated photos showing his dad having sex with dozens of women and participating in orgies. Nude photos of Bob Crane? I need that like I need a hole in the head.

*** After hours and hours of holding this book open with one hand, Sgt. Schultz was heard to cry out, "I see nothing!"

*** Former "Survivor" Colleen Haskell, currently co-starring in "The Animal", says she learned everything she knows about acting from Rob Schneider. I guess it's true what they say, "Those who can't --- teach." I wonder what she did with the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of that day.

*** Rick Schroder is leaving the cast of "NYPD Blue". What an ass! Oh, and he's real dopey for leaving the show too.

*** It's been rumored that Prince Philip said his son, Prince Charles, is "lacking in the dedication needed to be king". This can only mean one thing: Charles was adopted.

*** Prince, the Artist Formerly Known as Sane, has become a Jehovah's Witness and sworn off swearing. Well, if he plans on knocking on doors and giving out copies of "Watchtower", he'll hear enough swearing from others to more than make up the difference.

*** In Paris, a man tried to extinguish the "eternal flame" beneath the Arc de Triumph by sitting on it. What a flaming asshole.

*** The Supreme Court has ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has the legal right to ride in a golf cart during PGA tournaments. Pretty soon all golfers will want to ride instead of walk. After all, don't all golfers have handicaps?

*** Christina Aguilera is buying a new, more secure house because fans keep stealing the garbage from her current one. Why can't they just wait till she puts it out on CD?

*** A new report states that over three million Chinese drink their own urine. Are there some who'll just drinking anyone's urine? I don't know about you, but I think that's taking recycling just a bit too far.

*** The Centers for Disease Control report that 60% of all drownings involve drugs or alcohol. What percent of pregnancies?

*** A 62 year old French woman gave birth to a boy on May 14th. I sure hope this woman knows enough not to breast feed, that milk has got to be past its expiration date by now. That kid could end up choking on the cottage cheese that comes out.

*** At least 70 people who worked on "Sesame Street" have been fired. These pink slips have been brought to you by the letters "U" and "F", but not necessarily in that order.

*** New research has discovered that paper money is just crawling with all kinds of infectious germs and bacteria. And so are at least half the women whose G-strings I'm filling with tens and twenties. (It's dark. They never know till later it's just ones with zeros penned in next to them. By the time they figure it out, I'm home vigorously remembering with both hands.)

*** Hey, Martin Lawrence, I'll tell you "What's the Worst That Could Happen?" A sequel to "Big Momma's House". 

*** A Miami Herald poll shows that a gubernatorial race between Jeb Bush and Janet Reno would be very, very close. Hey, so would a dick measuring contest. 

*** Anne Heche says she's getting married. To a guy! I'm pretty sure that's just the licker talking.

*** 25 years after the "Thrilla in Manilla", the names Ali and Frazier are back in the sports pages as their daughters fight it out in what many are calling the "Stunt With the Cunts".

And, that’s that.

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