*** Timothy McVeigh has gotten a stay
of execution. It stays on Monday.
*** Why lethal injection? Didn't
anybody think to ask, "Would you
like to fry with that?"
*** Let's make McVeigh a real martyr
for his cause and crucify him. Upside
down. Underwater. It may be unusual, but is it all that cruel?
*** In his Tony acceptance speech, Mel
Brooks thanked Adolph Hitler for
being so funny. It's the Chaplin mustache. It works every time.
*** It seems that Tom Cruise is now
set to sue anyone and everyone who
even suggests that he might be gay. He's here! So's his lawyer! Get
used to it!
*** Nicole Kidman's stalker doesn't
want to be thought of as a moron
because he thinks it will ruin his chance to become President. If this
to be President, he not only better be thought of as a moron, he better
*** Halle Berry shows her breasts in
the new movie "Swordfish".
I don't know if it's worth $10 to see in the theaters. You can't
you can't rewind. How's a guy supposed to enjoy that to its fullest?
*** I think I know what makes Tiger
Woods such a great golfer. He's just
not intimidated by the giant clown face or the windmill.
*** The Louisiana House just recently
condemned Charles Darwin and all
teaching of evolution. Have they voted yet on David Duchovny and his
*** Sony Pictures had to admit that
David Manning, a critic quoted in ads
for lots of their recent releases, just doesn't exist. The timing on
couldn't be worse. Without made-up quotes in the ads how are they gonna
this "Spiderman" movie into any kind of a hit?
*** How do you plan on spending your
$300 tax cut? I'm torn. I don't know
if I should gas up the Ford or the Chevy.
*** I like to think of myself as an
optimist (yeah, right). So even though
the Democrats have taken control, I still like to think of the Senate
full of it.
*** Did you hear about that guy who
went on a stabbing spree at a school
in Japan? Just leave it to the Japanese to come up with a whole new
*** They say the guy stabbed 29
people. Thus finding 29 more uses for a
*** According to a new survey of
American teens, most don't consider oral
sex as "having sex". Thus making Bill Clinton the "World's Oldest
Teenager." Sorry, Dick Clark.
*** Ricky Martin is telling people
that he intends to wear a leopard print
thong at his next concert. What closet was he hiding in when he found
*** I can't really fault Ricky Martin
for dressing like he's gay. After
all, he is an ex-member of Menudo. Or, as it should really be
pronounced, Men U
*** Songwriter Michael Hazlewood,
whose best known song is "All I
Need Is The Air That I Breathe" is dead. Guess you needed just a little
something more there, didn't ya? Food, water, I dunno, something.
*** Actor and "Zorba the Greek" star
Anthony Quinn died this
week. I hear he really hammed up his death scene something fierce.
*** Through special permission of the
zoning board, Anthony Quinn will be
buried under a tree on his own property. I'd just like to point out: he
ham, not a hamster. I just hope they found a shoe-box big enough for
*** Kathie Lee Gifford is apologizing
on her website for comparing not
winning an Emmy to miscarrying a child. She meant to say that not
Emmy is like losing a breast to cancer. Again, she's apologizing to all
who were offended.
*** I keep hearing about this Tom
Hanks produced HBO series "Band of
Brothers". I'm just wondering why a big time movie star would waste his
time on a series about Hanson. Isn't there a script for "Turner and
2" you could reconsider?
*** Have you seen the ads for this new
show "Fear Factor"? It
shows a woman in a hole surrounded by rats. In LA they call that
*** Have you heard about "Invisible
Jim"? It's that action
figure in an empty box. Why spend money on something like that when, if
take it out the box, you can walk right out of any store with it? I've
*** Lastly, a man in Indiana was
arrested for having sex with a chicken.
Which came first: the chicken or the guy?
And, that’s that.
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