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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-08-01

*** Timothy McVeigh has gotten a stay of execution. It stays on Monday.

*** Why lethal injection? Didn't anybody think to ask, "Would you like to fry with that?"

*** Let's make McVeigh a real martyr for his cause and crucify him. Upside down. Underwater. It may be unusual, but is it all that cruel?

*** In his Tony acceptance speech, Mel Brooks thanked Adolph Hitler for being so funny. It's the Chaplin mustache. It works every time.

*** It seems that Tom Cruise is now set to sue anyone and everyone who even suggests that he might be gay. He's here! So's his lawyer! Get used to it!

*** Nicole Kidman's stalker doesn't want to be thought of as a moron because he thinks it will ruin his chance to become President. If this guy wants to be President, he not only better be thought of as a moron, he better prove it.

*** Halle Berry shows her breasts in the new movie "Swordfish". I don't know if it's worth $10 to see in the theaters. You can't freeze-frame, you can't rewind. How's a guy supposed to enjoy that to its fullest?

*** I think I know what makes Tiger Woods such a great golfer. He's just not intimidated by the giant clown face or the windmill.

*** The Louisiana House just recently condemned Charles Darwin and all teaching of evolution. Have they voted yet on David Duchovny and his "Evolution"?

*** Sony Pictures had to admit that David Manning, a critic quoted in ads for lots of their recent releases, just doesn't exist. The timing on this couldn't be worse. Without made-up quotes in the ads how are they gonna turn this "Spiderman" movie into any kind of a hit?

*** How do you plan on spending your $300 tax cut? I'm torn. I don't know if I should gas up the Ford or the Chevy.

*** I like to think of myself as an optimist (yeah, right). So even though the Democrats have taken control, I still like to think of the Senate as half full of it.

*** Did you hear about that guy who went on a stabbing spree at a school in Japan? Just leave it to the Japanese to come up with a whole new slant on school violence.

*** They say the guy stabbed 29 people. Thus finding 29 more uses for a Ginzu knife.

*** According to a new survey of American teens, most don't consider oral sex as "having sex". Thus making Bill Clinton the "World's Oldest Teenager." Sorry, Dick Clark.

*** Ricky Martin is telling people that he intends to wear a leopard print thong at his next concert. What closet was he hiding in when he found that outfit?

*** I can't really fault Ricky Martin for dressing like he's gay. After all, he is an ex-member of Menudo. Or, as it should really be pronounced, Men U Do.

*** Songwriter Michael Hazlewood, whose best known song is "All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe" is dead. Guess you needed just a little something more there, didn't ya? Food, water, I dunno, something.

*** Actor and "Zorba the Greek" star Anthony Quinn died this week. I hear he really hammed up his death scene something fierce. 

*** Through special permission of the zoning board, Anthony Quinn will be buried under a tree on his own property. I'd just like to point out: he was a ham, not a hamster. I just hope they found a shoe-box big enough for him.

*** Kathie Lee Gifford is apologizing on her website for comparing not winning an Emmy to miscarrying a child. She meant to say that not winning an Emmy is like losing a breast to cancer. Again, she's apologizing to all those who were offended.

*** I keep hearing about this Tom Hanks produced HBO series "Band of Brothers". I'm just wondering why a big time movie star would waste his time on a series about Hanson. Isn't there a script for "Turner and Hooch 2"  you could reconsider?

*** Have you seen the ads for this new show "Fear Factor"? It shows a woman in a hole surrounded by rats. In LA they call that auditioning.

*** Have you heard about "Invisible Jim"? It's that action figure in an empty box. Why spend money on something like that when, if you just take it out the box, you can walk right out of any store with it? I've got twelve already.

*** Lastly, a man in Indiana was arrested for having sex with a chicken. Which came first: the chicken or the guy?

And, that’s that.

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