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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-15-01

*** President Bush announced his new policy on global warming: Wait till winter. Then you'll thank me.

*** Bill Clinton has joined a YMCA in New York. I hear he likes to eat at the Y as often as possible.

*** Bozo is leaving the air after a 41 year run. Who's gonna host "Meet The Press" now?

*** Timothy McVeigh's last meal was two pints of mint chocolate-chip ice cream. Or as I like to call it his "just desserts".

*** A giant lizard attacked Sharon Stone's husband and nearly bit off his toe. That's nothing compared to the time her giant beaver nearly swallowed his whole foot.

*** In other Sharon Stone news, she's suing producers for $14 million for not making "Basic Instinct 2". Hey guys, I know it sounds like a lot of money, but just think how much you'd lose if you actually went ahead and made this thing. I say pay up. It's been a long time since anyone was hot for Ms. Stone. Why, even the lizard went after her husband.

*** According to a new survey, 35% of guys think that the best way to end an argument is to have sex. I'm thinking that the best thing for me is to avoid ever arguing with any of those guys.

*** A new study reports that pot smokers have an increased risk of having a heart attack. They also have an increased risk of laughing uncontrollably at the Weather Channel. 

*** A study conducted in Canada has found that one in three common operations performed there may be unnecessary. Many patients felt no better after procedures such as hysterectomies and cataract removal. True, they may be unnecessary, but at least they were free. Here in America, we pay good money for everything whether we need it or not.

*** A new theory suggests that Mozart was killed by trichinosis caused by eating undercooked pork. I didn't even know they had Denny's  restaurants back then.

*** Mariah Carey says she was a virgin until she was 23. I guess her song says it all, "Love Takes Time", but nookie takes forever.

*** What Gene Simmons calls "the ultimate Kiss collectible", the Kiss Kasket, was introduced in New York this week. What a dumb idea. Don't they know this'll only interest "die-hard" fans?

*** A survey by Woman's Own magazine reveals that one in twelve women would be prepared to lose a limb in return for an otherwise perfect body. It also triples your chances for getting a date with Paul McCartney, so be careful what you wish for.

*** "Tomb Raider" opened today. Who knew they were making a movie about Anna Nicole Smith?

*** Did you hear about that Washington D.C. high school kid who was rushed to the hospital after getting drunk with his teacher? What better way to prepare your child for college then to start him drinking early.

*** "Survivor" Michael Skupin says he wants to be a Senator. Well, let's see here. He's chased down a pig, fell face-first into a fire, and was just this week pepper-sprayed. That should more than make up for any lack of sex scandals. I think he could win. 

*** Rumors abound that Ani DiFranco hasn't bathed in the last seven months. Although "Not a Pretty Girl", she sure must be a smelly one.

*** I'm saddened to report that teen idols Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are dead. (Oops! I did it again.)

*** A San Francisco actor and playwright is staging a play called "The John" in a public toilet. There's limited seating so get there early. 

*** I don't think critics will be the only ones dumping on this play.

*** To the author's credit, his play won't be the only thing stinking up the place.

*** I wonder what the demand for a play like that would be. I mean, how many people really have to go to "The John"?

*** By the way, staging plays in public restrooms is the #1 and #2 reasons I hate the theater.

*** Sunday is Father's Day, a day set aside to honor the sperm donor who signs the monthly child support checks.

*** My wife celebrates Father's Day for the same reason she celebrates our wedding anniversary. To remind her never to make those mistakes again.

*** Lastly, I'm betting on the Sixers in seven. Go Sixers.

And, that’s that.

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