*** President Bush announced his new
policy on global warming: Wait till
winter. Then you'll thank me.
*** Bill Clinton has joined a YMCA in
New York. I hear he likes to eat at
the Y as often as possible.
*** Bozo is leaving the air after a 41
year run. Who's gonna host
"Meet The Press" now?
*** Timothy McVeigh's last meal was
two pints of mint chocolate-chip ice
cream. Or as I like to call it his "just desserts".
*** A giant lizard attacked Sharon
Stone's husband and nearly bit off his
toe. That's nothing compared to the time her giant beaver nearly
*** In other Sharon Stone news, she's
suing producers for $14 million for
not making "Basic Instinct 2". Hey guys, I know it sounds like a lot
of money, but just think how much you'd lose if you actually went ahead
this thing. I say pay up. It's been a long time since anyone was hot
Stone. Why, even the lizard went after her husband.
*** According to a new survey, 35% of
guys think that the best way to end
an argument is to have sex. I'm thinking that the best thing for me is
ever arguing with any of those guys.
*** A new study reports that pot
smokers have an increased risk of having
a heart attack. They also have an increased risk of laughing
the Weather Channel.
*** A study conducted in Canada has
found that one in three common
operations performed there may be unnecessary. Many patients felt no
after procedures such as hysterectomies and cataract removal. True,
they may be
unnecessary, but at least they were free. Here in America, we pay good
everything whether we need it or not.
*** A new theory suggests that Mozart
was killed by trichinosis caused by
eating undercooked pork. I didn't even know they had Denny's
*** Mariah Carey says she was a virgin
until she was 23. I guess her song
says it all, "Love Takes Time", but nookie takes forever.
*** What Gene Simmons calls "the
ultimate Kiss collectible", the
Kiss Kasket, was introduced in New York this week. What a dumb idea.
know this'll only interest "die-hard" fans?
*** A survey by Woman's Own magazine
reveals that one in twelve women
would be prepared to lose a limb in return for an otherwise perfect
also triples your chances for getting a date with Paul McCartney, so be
what you wish for.
*** "Tomb Raider" opened today. Who
knew they were making a
movie about Anna Nicole Smith?
*** Did you hear about that Washington
D.C. high school kid who was rushed
to the hospital after getting drunk with his teacher? What better way
your child for college then to start him drinking early.
*** "Survivor" Michael Skupin says he
wants to be a Senator.
Well, let's see here. He's chased down a pig, fell face-first into a
was just this week pepper-sprayed. That should more than make up for
any lack of
sex scandals. I think he could win.
*** Rumors abound that Ani DiFranco
hasn't bathed in the last seven
months. Although "Not a Pretty Girl", she sure must be a smelly one.
*** I'm saddened to report that teen
idols Britney Spears and Justin
Timberlake are dead. (Oops! I did it again.)
*** A San Francisco actor and
playwright is staging a play called
"The John" in a public toilet. There's limited seating so get there
*** I don't think critics will be the
only ones dumping on this play.
*** To the author's credit, his play
won't be the only thing stinking up
*** I wonder what the demand for a
play like that would be. I mean, how
many people really have to go to "The John"?
*** By the way, staging plays in
public restrooms is the #1 and #2 reasons
I hate the theater.
*** Sunday is Father's Day, a day set
aside to honor the sperm donor who
signs the monthly child support checks.
*** My wife celebrates Father's Day
for the same reason she celebrates our
wedding anniversary. To remind her never to make those mistakes again.
*** Lastly, I'm betting on the Sixers
in seven. Go Sixers.
And, that’s that.
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