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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-22-01

*** Did you hear about that woman in Houston who drowned her five kids in the bathtub? Apparently, she mistook a joke book for a cook book and was trying to make a dead baby float.

*** I keep hearing these people on talk radio wondering how anyone could possibly kill their own kids. I'm guessing these people just don't watch the news. DROWNING! That's how.

*** President Bush is all set to veto the "Patients Bill of Rights" which would allow patients to sue their health plans for denial of coverage. The Bush administration says it would "encourage costly and unnecessary litigation". I guess the Bush administration prefers costly and unnecessary funeral expenses.

*** Doesn't "Dr. Dolittle" sound like an apt nickname for most HMO doctors?

*** Eminem claims he can't stop swearing in his songs because he's ill. He says he has Tourette's Syndrome which makes sufferers compulsively swear and shout without meaning to. I think I might have Eminem's Syndrome. I swear and shout without meaning to, but I also hate gays, women, and my own right hand. 

*** I don't really hate gays. I just don't understand them. Personally, I just can't stand it when people do things behind my back.

*** As for gay women, I've got nothing against them. But then again, neither does any other guy.

*** Did anyone see "South Park" on Wednesday? What a bunch of shit.

*** President Bush said he enjoyed meeting Russian President Vladimir Putin and that he was able to look into his soul and see someone he can trust. Just a few questions: Who is this trustworthy person trapped in the Russian president's soul? How did he get there? And is he being held against his will?

*** Baltimore Oriole legend Cal Ripken, baseball's Iron Man, is retiring this year. His retirement plans include hanging up the armor and living out his life as millionaire industrialist Tony Stark.

*** Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker has been traded to the Cleveland Indians. What a bunch of Indian givers.

*** Consumer Reports is warning that the Mitsubishi Montero SUV tips up on two wheels during emergency handling situations. Or, as their new marketing strategy puts it, "It's MTV's Jackass: The Home Game."

*** ABC introduced the new game show "You Don't Know Jack" last week. It's hosted by Pee Wee Herman in a bad wig under another name. With Pee Wee hosting, it won't be long before this Jack's off.

*** When a group of 16-to-24-year-olds were asked about former Beatle Paul McCartney, 9 percent hadn't heard of him. This is the same 9 percent that thinks ketchup is a vegetable, trees cause pollution, and the worst thing about dying is getting a halo that doesn't fit right. In other words, our future leaders.

*** John and Patsy Ramsey are suing Court TV for falsely identify their son Burke as the prime suspect in Jon Benet's murder. That really is quite defamatory. Everybody knows John and Patsy are still the prime suspects.

*** Rock-and-roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was hospitalized in Memphis this week for undisclosed reasons. Was there a "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" or was it "Great Balls of Fire"? 

*** Did you hear about that San Francisco guy was gunned down by police after pulling a knife in a movie theater showing "Swordfish"? He made threats such as, "Whoever values their life should leave right now," and, believe it or not, the theater quickly emptied. Well, they were watching "Swordfish", so I gotta figure they were just looking for any old excuse to leave.

*** A new study says that burning candles will send harmful particles into the air. Hey, I can do that just by breathing. Don't even ask what I can do with my other orifices.

*** Another new study found that the average woman farts eight times a day and the average man 12. Just further proof that I'm above average. And so's the wife.

*** A new survey says that 60% of people who use a public restroom never sit down and don't touch a thing. If they don't touch anything what are they wiping with?

*** Legendary bluesman John Lee Hooker died of natural causes at 83. Natural causes at 83? How do you write a blues song about that?

*** Among People magazine's Top 50 Bachelors is John O'Brien, a 38 year old sheep farmer. A sheep farmer, eh? Well, I think we all know why this guy's a bachelor, don't we?

*** Yet another new study shows that just looking at a picture of an attractive woman dramatically swells a man's estimation of his own worth. And if she's naked, other parts swell as well.

*** Prop comic Carrot Top knocked over a candle and set his hair on fire at a nightclub the other night. Weird, funny stuff. He should keep it in the act.  

*** General Hospital's Luke & Laura are divorcing after 20 years. How sad. It seemed like the perfect story-book romance: boy rapes girl, boy loses girl, boy marries girl. 

*** Lastly, does anyone else remember back when Carroll O'Connor was alive? Those were the days.

And, that’s that.

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