*** Did you hear about that woman in
Houston who drowned her five kids in
the bathtub? Apparently, she mistook a joke book for a cook book and
to make a dead baby float.
*** I keep hearing these people on
talk radio wondering how anyone could
possibly kill their own kids. I'm guessing these people just don't
news. DROWNING! That's how.
*** President Bush is all set to veto
the "Patients Bill of
Rights" which would allow patients to sue their health plans for denial
coverage. The Bush administration says it would "encourage costly and
unnecessary litigation". I guess the Bush administration prefers costly
unnecessary funeral expenses.
*** Doesn't "Dr. Dolittle" sound like
an apt nickname for most
*** Eminem claims he can't stop
swearing in his songs because he's ill. He
says he has Tourette's Syndrome which makes sufferers compulsively
shout without meaning to. I think I might have Eminem's Syndrome. I
shout without meaning to, but I also hate gays, women, and my own right
*** I don't really hate gays. I just
don't understand them. Personally, I
just can't stand it when people do things behind my back.
*** As for gay women, I've got nothing
against them. But then again,
neither does any other guy.
*** Did anyone see "South Park" on
Wednesday? What a bunch of
*** President Bush said he enjoyed
meeting Russian President Vladimir
Putin and that he was able to look into his soul and see someone he can
Just a few questions: Who is this trustworthy person trapped in the
president's soul? How did he get there? And is he being held against
*** Baltimore Oriole legend Cal
Ripken, baseball's Iron Man, is retiring
this year. His retirement plans include hanging up the armor and living
life as millionaire industrialist Tony Stark.
*** Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John
Rocker has been traded to the
Cleveland Indians. What a bunch of Indian givers.
*** Consumer Reports is warning that
the Mitsubishi Montero SUV tips up on
two wheels during emergency handling situations. Or, as their new
strategy puts it, "It's MTV's Jackass: The Home Game."
*** ABC introduced the new game show
"You Don't Know Jack" last
week. It's hosted by Pee Wee Herman in a bad wig under another name.
Wee hosting, it won't be long before this Jack's off.
*** When a group of 16-to-24-year-olds
were asked about former Beatle Paul
McCartney, 9 percent hadn't heard of him. This is the same 9 percent
ketchup is a vegetable, trees cause pollution, and the worst thing
is getting a halo that doesn't fit right. In other words, our future
*** John and Patsy Ramsey are suing
Court TV for falsely identify their
son Burke as the prime suspect in Jon Benet's murder. That really is
defamatory. Everybody knows John and Patsy are still the prime suspects.
*** Rock-and-roll legend Jerry Lee
Lewis was hospitalized in Memphis this
week for undisclosed reasons. Was there a "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin'
On" or was it "Great Balls of Fire"?
*** Did you hear about that San
Francisco guy was gunned down by police
after pulling a knife in a movie theater showing "Swordfish"? He made
threats such as, "Whoever values their life should leave right now,"
and, believe it or not, the theater quickly emptied. Well, they were
"Swordfish", so I gotta figure they were just looking for any old
excuse to leave.
*** A new study says that burning
candles will send harmful particles into
the air. Hey, I can do that just by breathing. Don't even ask what I
can do with
my other orifices.
*** Another new study found that the
average woman farts eight times a day
and the average man 12. Just further proof that I'm above average. And
*** A new survey says that 60% of
people who use a public restroom never
sit down and don't touch a thing. If they don't touch anything what are
*** Legendary bluesman John Lee Hooker
died of natural causes at 83.
Natural causes at 83? How do you write a blues song about that?
*** Among People magazine's Top 50
Bachelors is John O'Brien, a 38 year
old sheep farmer. A sheep farmer, eh? Well, I think we all know why
this guy's a
bachelor, don't we?
*** Yet another new study shows that
just looking at a picture of an
attractive woman dramatically swells a man's estimation of his own
worth. And if
she's naked, other parts swell as well.
*** Prop comic Carrot Top knocked over
a candle and set his hair on fire
at a nightclub the other night. Weird, funny stuff. He should keep it
*** General Hospital's Luke &
Laura are divorcing after 20 years. How
sad. It seemed like the perfect story-book romance: boy rapes girl, boy
girl, boy marries girl.
*** Lastly, does anyone else remember
back when Carroll O'Connor was
alive? Those were the days.
And, that’s that.
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