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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-29-01

*** A federal appeals court unanimously reversed an order to split Microsoft in two. The verdict was unanimous. Well, I guess we know what stock those seven judges have.

*** Two Microsofts might be more efficient than one. One could focus on software to crash computers, while the other works on the freezing up software. 

*** Jack Lemmon died this week. Soon to be reunited with Walter Matthau for "Grumpy Dead Men". (Kevin Pollack is in talks to commit suicide so he can join the cast for the sequel.)

*** Comedian Paula Poundstone was arrested this week for performing a lewd act. When did she start working blue?

*** Kwame Brown, a 19-year-old high school graduate, was the NBA's top draft pick. He will be playing for the Washington Wizards. It took him until he was 19 to finish high school. I don't know. Would you really want someone that slow playing for your team?

*** President Bush's approval rating has dropped 4 points in the past month. If this keeps up, he better hope the Supreme Court decides the next election too.

*** Benjamin Bratt has dumped Julia Roberts. But don't go getting all excited and start camping out on his doorstep, ladies. If the highest paid actress in movie history wasn't good enough for him, he's got to be one hell of a spoiled Bratt.

*** The Case of the Missing Intern continues. Has anyone bothered to check under Bill Clinton's desk? 

*** I think the only reason we keep hearing about Dick Cheney's heart troubles is he's the only Republican who even has a heart. 

*** Philosopher Mortimer Adler, who sought to bring intellectualism to the general public with the Great Books program, his own books and the Encyclopedia Britannica, has died at age 98. Finally. Now we can all go back to watching "Fear Factor" and "Spy TV" without all that nagging.

*** North Dakota wants to change its name to attract tourists. Their first choice: North Disneyland.

*** Prop comic Gallagher has successfully sued his younger brother Gallagher 2 to prevent 2 from doing his act anymore. As part of the punitive damages awarded, Gallagher 2 must stand in for the watermelon during Gallagher's next live show. If you're going, wear your slicker.

*** Did you hear about that South African blind man who's been accused of "listening" to child porn on the net? How did he even know it was child porn? With all the "Who's your daddy?", "Oh, baby! Baby!",  and "Take off that diaper and I'll give you a lollipop!" dialogue in adult porn, how could he even tell?

*** Marian Bala, a 27 year old Romanian man tried to have sex with a woman's corpse in a cemetery. After being spotted by a man walking his dog, he tried to throw the body into a river just as police arrived to arrest him. I'm thinking this was one of those times when it would have been best just to bury the evidence.

*** Christopher Reeve is writing a book about being paralyzed called "Nothing Is Impossible". With the possible exception of "Superman 5" starring Christopher Reeve.

*** The residents of Maine, Oregon and Utah take more anti-depressants than the residents of any other state. I think I know why. They live in Maine, Oregon and Utah. 

*** Dr. Krishnaswamy Kasturirangan, chairman of the Indian Space Research Organization, said that India was launching a Moon exploration program. Glad to see proctology has finally reached India.

*** A TV station in Houston is reporting that the woman who drowned her 5 kids is pregnant. And she thought she was done killing. Just further proof that a woman's work is never done.

*** 140 tons of hashish and marijuana were confiscated and incinerated in Brazil this week. Officials claim this is the biggest load of dope ever burned. That is, of course, if you don't count Woody Harrelson's lifetime consumption.

*** Sinead O'Connor is getting married. To a guy. I wonder, has she been bald all along, or do you you think she'll wait till her wedding night to be bald again?

*** Roseanne says her battle with multiple-personality disorder began after she was tormented by a Nazi as a child. "Ve have vays of making you crazy!"

*** Monologist Spalding Gray is currently stuck in an Irish hospital with a broken hip after a horrifying head-on collision a week ago in County West Meath. Gee, I wonder if he'll have anything to say about this.

*** Doobie Brothers drummer Mike Hossack is in critical condition after crashing his motorcycle on Saturday. If he makes it through this ordeal in drummable condition, I think Spinal Tap may have found their next drummer.

*** Jennifer Aniston says that she made Brad Pitt wait nine months before they had sex. With "Friends" like that, who needs to masturbate?

*** Why do we celebrate both Independence Day and the Fourth of July on the same day? Can't we split them in two? Maybe make July 4th a Monday holiday and give us the whole damn week off.

And, that’s that.

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