*** A federal appeals court
unanimously reversed an order to split
Microsoft in two. The verdict was unanimous. Well, I guess we know what
those seven judges have.
*** Two Microsofts might be more
efficient than one. One could focus on
software to crash computers, while the other works on the freezing up
*** Jack Lemmon died this week. Soon
to be reunited with Walter Matthau
for "Grumpy Dead Men". (Kevin Pollack is in talks to commit suicide so
he can join the cast for the sequel.)
*** Comedian Paula Poundstone was
arrested this week for performing a lewd
act. When did she start working blue?
*** Kwame Brown, a 19-year-old high
school graduate, was the NBA's top
draft pick. He will be playing for the Washington Wizards. It took him
was 19 to finish high school. I don't know. Would you really want
slow playing for your team?
*** President Bush's approval rating
has dropped 4 points in the past
month. If this keeps up, he better hope the Supreme Court decides the
*** Benjamin Bratt has dumped Julia
Roberts. But don't go getting all
excited and start camping out on his doorstep, ladies. If the highest
actress in movie history wasn't good enough for him, he's got to be one
a spoiled Bratt.
*** The Case of the Missing Intern
continues. Has anyone bothered to check
under Bill Clinton's desk?
*** I think the only reason we keep
hearing about Dick Cheney's heart
troubles is he's the only Republican who even has a heart.
*** Philosopher Mortimer Adler, who
sought to bring intellectualism to the
general public with the Great Books program, his own books and the
Britannica, has died at age 98. Finally. Now we can all go back to
"Fear Factor" and "Spy TV" without all that nagging.
*** North Dakota wants to change its
name to attract tourists. Their first
choice: North Disneyland.
*** Prop comic Gallagher has
successfully sued his younger brother
Gallagher 2 to prevent 2 from doing his act anymore. As part of the
damages awarded, Gallagher 2 must stand in for the watermelon during
next live show. If you're going, wear your slicker.
*** Did you hear about that South
African blind man who's been accused of
"listening" to child porn on the net? How did he even know it was
child porn? With all the "Who's your daddy?", "Oh, baby!
Baby!", and "Take off that diaper and I'll give you a
lollipop!" dialogue in adult porn, how could he even tell?
*** Marian Bala, a 27 year old
Romanian man tried to have sex with a
woman's corpse in a cemetery. After being spotted by a man walking his
tried to throw the body into a river just as police arrived to arrest
thinking this was one of those times when it would have been best just
*** Christopher Reeve is writing a
book about being paralyzed called
"Nothing Is Impossible". With the possible exception of "Superman
5" starring Christopher Reeve.
*** The residents of Maine, Oregon and
Utah take more anti-depressants
than the residents of any other state. I think I know why. They live in
Oregon and Utah.
*** Dr. Krishnaswamy Kasturirangan,
chairman of the Indian Space Research
Organization, said that India was launching a Moon exploration program.
see proctology has finally reached India.
*** A TV station in Houston is
reporting that the woman who drowned her 5
kids is pregnant. And she thought she was done killing. Just further
a woman's work is never done.
*** 140 tons of hashish and marijuana
were confiscated and incinerated in
Brazil this week. Officials claim this is the biggest load of dope ever
That is, of course, if you don't count Woody Harrelson's lifetime
*** Sinead O'Connor is getting
married. To a guy. I wonder, has she been
bald all along, or do you you think she'll wait till her wedding night
*** Roseanne says her battle with
multiple-personality disorder began
after she was tormented by a Nazi as a child. "Ve have vays of making
*** Monologist Spalding Gray is
currently stuck in an Irish hospital with
a broken hip after a horrifying head-on collision a week ago in County
Meath. Gee, I wonder if he'll have anything to say about this.
*** Doobie Brothers drummer Mike
Hossack is in critical condition after
crashing his motorcycle on Saturday. If he makes it through this ordeal
drummable condition, I think Spinal Tap may have found their next
*** Jennifer Aniston says that she
made Brad Pitt wait nine months before
they had sex. With "Friends" like that, who needs to masturbate?
*** Why do we celebrate both
Independence Day and the Fourth of July on
the same day? Can't we split them in two? Maybe make July 4th a Monday
and give us the whole damn week off.
And, that’s that.
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