*** Now that Dick Cheney's pacemaker
has been successfully implanted he is
once again a heartbeat away from his next heart attack.
*** So, Cheney needs a heart and Bush
needs a brain. Let's hope they don't
wait too long to select the cowardly guy to go with them to Oz.
*** That woman who drowned her kids in
the bathtub now says, "The
devil made me do it". I don't think so. I've seen the devil's work. He
Linda Blair throw up and pee on the carpet; he made Flip Wilson put on
he directed the last five Adam Sandler movies. Drowning kids just
to fit his m.o.
*** President Bush celebrated his 55th
birthday this week. It's been 55
years, don't you think it's about time he took that silver spoon out of
*** Roger Clinton continues to refuse
to explain that $50,000 check from
the Gambino crime family. I hear it was "hush money". He started
singing and they got as much together as they could to put an end to it.
*** Everyone keeps telling me what a
cute kid this Haley Joel Osment is.
You got me there. I couldn't tell if a kid was cute if he were biting
me on the
ass. Hell, I'm no priest.
*** Michael Flatley, the Lord of the
Dance, has insured his legs for $40
million. I'm not sure his insurance company would agree, but I think
*** Bill Clinton told graduates at the
Performing Arts School in Manhattan
that he'd love to be 35 or 40 years younger. I can see his thinking. If
like a 20 year old, it'd be a whole lot easier to go out and pick one
*** The North Carolina state Senate
passed a bill prohibiting the use of
profanity, indecent or obscene language in the presence of a dead human
guess Strom Thurmond just got tired of hearing what people thought of
*** Would sending Strom Thurmond to a
rap concert be considered
*** Robert Iler, who plays Tony
Soprano, Jr., was arrested this week on
robbery and drug possession charges. When Tony Soprano finds out about
kid is gonna get whacked. Repeatedly. On the behind.
*** From now on only "hands-free" car
phones will be allowed in
New York. This frees up the hands for the most important driving tasks:
off other drivers and picking one's nose. Have you ever been flipped
someone who wasn't picking their nose? I didn't think so.
*** Did you hear about that Wisconsin
guy who's blaming the movie
"The Fast and the Furious" for his reckless speeding the other day?
It's not what you're thinking. It's not one of those copycat crimes.
out he was just running late for an 8 o'clock showing.
*** Pillsbury says it's recalling
30,000 cases of frozen biscuits after
finding they had strands of plastic in them. Pressed for a comment, the
Pillsbury Dough Boy just giggled.
*** Even those people I know who found
the first "Scary Movie"
to be a frightening blend of Wayans brothers say its sequel leaves a
lot to be
desired in the chills department. As for Wayans brothers, they've
*** Tell me something: When was the
last time Jet Li ever made anyone
laugh? I don't get it. I just don't get a kick out of that guy. Sorry.
*** Beach Boy Brian Wilson says, "I
have auditory hallucinations that
I get. Voices saying, 'I'm going to hurt you, we're going to kill you,
going to kill.'" And all in four-part harmony.
*** According to a new survey, 32% of
those surveyed said they thought
Julia Roberts would look beautiful, even if she were bald! I gotta
32% of those respondents misheard that last word as "balled".
*** Kelsey Grammer has signed on for
two more years of "Frasier"
at $1.6 million per episode. Now there's a guy who can really afford a
*** Prince Charles kissed longtime
girlfriend Carmilla Parker Bowles for
the first time in public. What's next? Corn-holing at Trafalgar Square?
on BBC 4? C'mon, we're waiting.
*** Ratings for TV Wrestling have
dropped roughly 30% this year. Insiders
blame this trend on The Rock pursuing a movie career, Triple H being
and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin playing the bad guy. Maybe. Could it
also be that the rest of TV has dumbed down so much that now wrestling
*** David Bowie says he's in talks to
play Frank Sinatra in a movie.
"Regrets. I've had a few. But this is just ridiculous."
*** Did you hear about that woman who
glued her eye shut? She thought she
was using eye drops but picked up the glue instead. Who can't relate to
that stupid? I know a woman who sewed up her husband's ass when she
sewing his pants. I, myself, once drank several Fleet enemas, thinking
was just being rude when he told me to "stick it up my ass".
*** Friday kicked off Pamplona,
Spain's Running of the Bulls. Or, as I
like to call it, the Goring off the Dumb Asses.
*** Warner Bros. Stores will be
closing by October. I guess there just
wasn't as big a market for Bugs on your underwear than they thought.
*** Xena, Warrior Princess, was
beheaded in the last episode. It's sad to
think that that's the last time she'll ever give head.
And, that’s that.
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