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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-06-01

*** Now that Dick Cheney's pacemaker has been successfully implanted he is once again a heartbeat away from his next heart attack.

*** So, Cheney needs a heart and Bush needs a brain. Let's hope they don't wait too long to select the cowardly guy to go with them to Oz.

*** That woman who drowned her kids in the bathtub now says, "The devil made me do it". I don't think so. I've seen the devil's work. He made Linda Blair throw up and pee on the carpet; he made Flip Wilson put on a dress; he directed the last five Adam Sandler movies. Drowning kids just doesn't seem to fit his m.o.

*** President Bush celebrated his 55th birthday this week. It's been 55 years, don't you think it's about time he took that silver spoon out of his mouth?

*** Roger Clinton continues to refuse to explain that $50,000 check from the Gambino crime family. I hear it was "hush money". He started singing and they got as much together as they could to put an end to it.

*** Everyone keeps telling me what a cute kid this Haley Joel Osment is. You got me there. I couldn't tell if a kid was cute if he were biting me on the ass. Hell, I'm no priest.

*** Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance, has insured his legs for $40 million. I'm not sure his insurance company would agree, but I think it's worth it.

*** Bill Clinton told graduates at the Performing Arts School in Manhattan that he'd love to be 35 or 40 years younger. I can see his thinking. If he felt like a 20 year old, it'd be a whole lot easier to go out and pick one up.

*** The North Carolina state Senate passed a bill prohibiting the use of profanity, indecent or obscene language in the presence of a dead human body. I guess Strom Thurmond just got tired of hearing what people thought of him.

*** Would sending Strom Thurmond to a rap concert be considered entrapment?

*** Robert Iler, who plays Tony Soprano, Jr., was arrested this week on robbery and drug possession charges. When Tony Soprano finds out about this that kid is gonna get whacked. Repeatedly. On the behind.

*** From now on only "hands-free" car phones will be allowed in New York. This frees up the hands for the most important driving tasks: flipping off other drivers and picking one's nose. Have you ever been flipped off by someone who wasn't picking their nose? I didn't think so.

*** Did you hear about that Wisconsin guy who's blaming the movie "The Fast and the Furious" for his reckless speeding the other day? It's not what you're thinking. It's not one of those copycat crimes. No. Turns out he was just running late for an 8 o'clock showing.

*** Pillsbury says it's recalling 30,000 cases of frozen biscuits after finding they had strands of plastic in them. Pressed for a comment, the Pillsbury Dough Boy just giggled.

*** Even those people I know who found the first "Scary Movie" to be a frightening blend of Wayans brothers say its sequel leaves a lot to be desired in the chills department. As for Wayans brothers, they've outdone themselves.

*** Tell me something: When was the last time Jet Li ever made anyone laugh? I don't get it. I just don't get a kick out of that guy. Sorry.

*** Beach Boy Brian Wilson says, "I have auditory hallucinations that I get. Voices saying, 'I'm going to hurt you, we're going to kill you, we're going to kill.'" And all in four-part harmony.

*** According to a new survey, 32% of those surveyed said they thought Julia Roberts would look beautiful, even if she were bald! I gotta figure that 32% of those respondents misheard that last word as "balled".

*** Kelsey Grammer has signed on for two more years of "Frasier" at $1.6 million per episode. Now there's a guy who can really afford a drug problem.

*** Prince Charles kissed longtime girlfriend Carmilla Parker Bowles for the first time in public. What's next? Corn-holing at Trafalgar Square? Oral Sex on BBC 4? C'mon, we're waiting.

*** Ratings for TV Wrestling have dropped roughly 30% this year. Insiders blame this trend on The Rock pursuing a movie career, Triple H being disabled, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin playing the bad guy. Maybe. Could it also be that the rest of TV has dumbed down so much that now wrestling fans have other choices?

*** David Bowie says he's in talks to play Frank Sinatra in a movie. "Regrets. I've had a few. But this is just ridiculous."

*** Did you hear about that woman who glued her eye shut? She thought she was using eye drops but picked up the glue instead. Who can't relate to being that stupid? I know a woman who sewed up her husband's ass when she thought she sewing his pants. I, myself, once drank several Fleet enemas, thinking my doctor was just being rude when he told me to "stick it up my ass". 

*** Friday kicked off Pamplona, Spain's Running of the Bulls. Or, as I like to call it, the Goring off the Dumb Asses.

*** Warner Bros. Stores will be closing by October. I guess there just wasn't as big a market for Bugs on your underwear than they thought.

*** Xena, Warrior Princess, was beheaded in the last episode. It's sad to think that that's the last time she'll ever give head.

And, that’s that.

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