*** So, Justin got thrown off "Big
Brother 2" for holding a
knife to Krista's neck and asking, "Would you get mad if I killed
you?" Drunk or not, most guys just wouldn't bother to ask. Thanks,
for showing us all just how it's supposed to be done. And good luck
new job as "Mr. Manners."
*** Rep. Gary Condit finally admitted
this week that he had a
"romantic" relationship with missing intern Chondra Levy. Romantic?
That must be 58-year-old guy talk for "I screwed her."
*** Although they've just searched his
house from top to bottom, police
are still insisting that Rep. Condit is not a suspect. He's not "a"
suspect, he's "the" suspect.
*** Condit is still trying to work out
the terms under which he would
submit to a lie detector test. I think he's holding out for carte
*** Rumors have it that Condit has
already taken a lie detector test and
passed it. I'm guessing not before he cooked it and ate it first.
*** Mark my words. Any day now we're
gonna start hearing about stains.
Just you wait.
*** Bob Dole was hospitalized this
week. This guy must be quite a prick.
They gave him two Viagra and he was up in about an hour.
*** I keep hearing that Drew Barrymore
married a comedian. Did she dump
that Tom Green guy, or what?
*** Did you hear about that Wisconsin
guy who was arrested for the second
time for having sex with a cow? Isn't this guy afraid of Mad Cow
*** "Man Milks Cow", it's not news.
"Cow Milks Man",
now that's news.
*** I hear they've already started on
a musical about this guy. First
song: "Bessie, You Is My Woman Now".
*** Do you think he even bothered to
find out if the cow was in the moo-d?
*** Why would any guy have to go to a
farm to screw a cow? Your cows are
some of the easiest women to pick up in a bar.
*** Popular radio broadcaster Paul
Harvey will undergo surgery at the Mayo
Clinic to repair a weakened vocal chord. Hold the Mayo O.R. for Mr.
*** Baseball fans have stolen 1,500
New York Mets posters from the city's
subway, beating previous records for theft of Claudia Schiffer ads.
just one thing. When it comes to baseball, it's not just the umpire
*** A new study says that 11% of
McDonald's customers are dissatisfied
with their visit and take the time to share their complaint with the
I'm betting there's a goodly percent of others who can't stop vomiting
enough to share their complaints. But, then again, puke does speak for
*** Gunfire erupted outside a
performance by Wu-Tang Clan rap artist
Killah Priest, leaving one man dead and three others injured. Police
continuing to search for the real Killah.
*** Criminal attorney Barry Levin is
dead. He shot himself in the head on
Saturday. Who does he bill for this?
*** According to the National
Enquirer, the police are at a dead end in
the Robert Blake's wife's murder case. This can only mean one thing.
doing the autopsy has just cut into Bonnie Lee's ass.
*** Convicted murderer Kevin Jerome
Pullum apparently just walked right
out of the Men's Central Jail in Van Nuys, California completely
your name were Pull-um wouldn't you want out of prison ASAP?
*** "The Sopranos" got 22 fucking Emmy
nominations. One for each
caliber of their favorite pistol.
*** Brazilian biologists say they've
found evidence of homosexuality in
dolphins. This kinda makes sense. What other mammal has both an asshole
blowhole? Okay, whales. And Richard Simmons. But that's about it.
*** Marlon Brando plays a gay jewel
thief in his new movie "The
Score". "I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum-stuffer, which is
what I am."
*** What's the difference between a
blonde and a lawyer? A blonde will
screw you anywhere, a lawyer will only screw you in court.
*** What's the last thing AJ told the
other Backstreet Boys before heading
off to rehab? "Get Another Boyfriend."
*** Now that AJ's gone for a while,
when the other Backstreeters pair up
there's not that awkward fifth guy waiting around for his turn.
*** Can't they just continue the tour
and suck at 80% of capacity? Would
their fans even notice?
*** Lastly, it's Friday the 13th, and
I'll be celebrating the way I always
do: playing hockey. Damn. We're one hockey stick short. I wonder if
mind playing with an axe.
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