*** Rep. Gary Condit finally admitted this week that he had a "romantic" relationship with missing intern Chondra Levy. Romantic? That must be 58-year-old guy talk for "I screwed her."

*** Although they've just searched his house from top to bottom, police are still insisting that Rep. Condit is not a suspect. He's not "a" suspect, he's "the" suspect.

*** Condit is still trying to work out the terms under which he would submit to a lie detector test. I think he's holding out for carte blanche on lying.

*** Rumors have it that Condit has already taken a lie detector test and passed it. I'm guessing not before he cooked it and ate it first.

*** Mark my words. Any day now we're gonna start hearing about stains. Just you wait.

*** Bob Dole was hospitalized this week. This guy must be quite a prick. They gave him two Viagra and he was up in about an hour.

*** I keep hearing that Drew Barrymore married a comedian. Did she dump that Tom Green guy, or what?

*** Did you hear about that Wisconsin guy who was arrested for the second time for having sex with a cow? Isn't this guy afraid of Mad Cow disease?

*** "Man Milks Cow", it's not news. "Cow Milks Man", now that's news.

*** I hear they've already started on a musical about this guy. First song: "Bessie, You Is My Woman Now".

*** Do you think he even bothered to find out if the cow was in the moo-d?

*** Why would any guy have to go to a farm to screw a cow? Your cows are some of the easiest women to pick up in a bar.

*** Popular radio broadcaster Paul Harvey will undergo surgery at the Mayo Clinic to repair a weakened vocal chord. Hold the Mayo O.R. for Mr. Harvey. Page Two.

*** Baseball fans have stolen 1,500 New York Mets posters from the city's subway, beating previous records for theft of Claudia Schiffer ads. This proves just one thing. When it comes to baseball, it's not just the umpire who's blind.

*** A new study says that 11% of McDonald's customers are dissatisfied with their visit and take the time to share their complaint with the restaurant. I'm betting there's a goodly percent of others who can't stop vomiting long enough to share their complaints. But, then again, puke does speak for itself.

*** Gunfire erupted outside a performance by Wu-Tang Clan rap artist Killah Priest, leaving one man dead and three others injured. Police are continuing to search for the real Killah.

*** Criminal attorney Barry Levin is dead. He shot himself in the head on Saturday. Who does he bill for this?

*** According to the National Enquirer, the police are at a dead end in the Robert Blake's wife's murder case. This can only mean one thing. The guy doing the autopsy has just cut into Bonnie Lee's ass.

*** Convicted murderer Kevin Jerome Pullum apparently just walked right out of the Men's Central Jail in Van Nuys, California completely unnoticed. If your name were Pull-um wouldn't you want out of prison ASAP?

*** "The Sopranos" got 22 fucking Emmy nominations. One for each caliber of their favorite pistol.

*** Brazilian biologists say they've found evidence of homosexuality in dolphins. This kinda makes sense. What other mammal has both an asshole and a blowhole? Okay, whales. And Richard Simmons. But that's about it.

*** Marlon Brando plays a gay jewel thief in his new movie "The Score". "I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum-stuffer, which is what I am."

*** What's the difference between a blonde and a lawyer? A blonde will screw you anywhere, a lawyer will only screw you in court.

*** What's the last thing AJ told the other Backstreet Boys before heading off to rehab? "Get Another Boyfriend."

*** Now that AJ's gone for a while, when the other Backstreeters pair up there's not that awkward fifth guy waiting around for his turn.

*** Can't they just continue the tour and suck at 80% of capacity? Would their fans even notice?