*** So what if a bunch
of computers and guns are missing from the FBI. Do we
really have to make a federal case out of it?
Bush is in England. Again. He must really like it there. Any
time he makes a speak-o, he can blame it on the translator.
*** The new
"Planet of the Apes" movie isn't finished yet and it's
due to hit theaters next Friday. I'll bet this has a lot of studio
*** Arizona Rep.
Jim Kolbie has introduced a bill that would eliminate
pennies from daily business transactions. "Pennies have virtually no
value," he said. Hey, tell that to the 99 cent stores.
*** Late Night
with Conan O'Brien has had to apologize to the Asian-American
community for remarks made by comedian Sarah Silverman. (Here's the
was telling about some advice she got from a friend on how to get out
duty. "My friend was like, well, why don't you just write something
inappropriate on the form, like 'I hate chinks.' But I didn't want
think I was a racist. So I just filled out the form and wrote 'I love
--- and who doesn't?") Funny. Right? Those Asian-Americans have always
a different slant on comedy than the rest of us.
*** Did you see
Bill Clinton being introduced as Richard Nixon at a recent
speech? That's an easy mistake to make. I always get my Tricky Dicks
*** Rapper Old
Dirty Bastard is going to jail for 2 to 4 years. (Is that his
choice? How does that work?) I know when he comes out he'll be an Older
Bastard, but will he be a Wiser Dirty Bastard?
Spears wants everyone to know that she's not a little girl
anymore. Which can only mean one thing: she's gone up a couple of
Limbaugh will get $250 million over the next eight years to continue
his radio talk show. Well, the man's gotta eat.
*** I kept
reading how "Jurassic Park III" was filmed without a
script. I guess they solved that problem by using the same script as
Sweethearts" opened in theaters today. I don't know
how well this is gonna do. I mean, do we really need another Tom and
State University is getting a federal grant of $271,000 to study
the effectiveness of its campaign against binge drinking. You can throw
a lot of
keggers with that kind of money.
*** The guy who
wrote the song "Everybody's Talkin'" is dead. Now,
there's something nobody's talkin' about.
*** Guess what?
Pretty soon you'll be able to buy pre-sliced peanut butter at
a store near you. Now, if only they'd come out with pre-sliced jelly I
might be able to make my own damn sandwiches. The wife would be so
*** Did you hear
about that Chinese butcher who chopped up four food
inspectors after confiscating his meat for being sub-standard? Well,
better is food inspector meat gonna be? I think they just better send
*** Have you
heard about the "Brava"? It's a new bra device that
uses suction to stimulate cell growth and thus increase breast size.
Hell, that's something I can do. And it won't cost you a cent. Any
parties contact me. No guys, please. (You guys are gonna have to grow
the old-fashioned way: beer and inactivity. Hell, it worked for me.)
*** Sara Lee
Corp. has recalled 13,600 pounds of packaged lunch meats because
they might be contaminated with salmonella bacteria, which causes
abdominal pains, chills, fever, nausea and vomiting. I think it
interesting to get all those symptoms at once. Instead of one at a time
do eating the uncontaminated lunch meats.
*** Did you hear
about that prisoner who walked right out of jail after
flashing an ID with Eddie Murphy's picture on it? I think the guy's
take this whole Eddie Murphy thing a little too seriously. He was last
picking up a transvestite just to smell his feet.
*** Dan Quayle
has turned over all of his political papers to the Dan Quayle
Center and Museum in his hometown of Huntington, Indiana. That marks
time anyone will ever set on eyes on Dan Quayle's political papers.
Sheen's "Ultimate Bachelor Pad" is on the market for
$4.5 million dollars. Who would pay that much for what basically
amounts to just
one giant Charlie Sheen DNA sample?
Harrison Ford is quite a guy. Just last week he helped rescue a lost
boy scout with his helicopter. In related news, Michael Jackson was
shopping for a helicopter.
*** The National
Enquirer is reporting that Oprah is pregnant. Now there's a
woman who won't start showing until her tenth or eleventh month.
*** New research
has determined that left-handed people are twice as likely
to suffer from inflammatory bowel diseases. Well, of course. They're
the wrong hand.
*** Did you hear
about that guy who was arrested for peeing on customers at
the Lowes Home Improvement Center at Connecticut Commons? A customer
spokesman said , "It's a nice switch from all those pissed-off
*** I'm at that age
now where the only thing I'm itching to do is scratch.
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