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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-20-01

*** So what if a bunch of computers and guns are missing from the FBI. Do we really have to make a federal case out of it?

*** President Bush is in England. Again. He must really like it there. Any time he makes a speak-o, he can blame it on the translator.

*** The new "Planet of the Apes" movie isn't finished yet and it's due to hit theaters next Friday. I'll bet this has a lot of studio execs going ape-shit.

*** Arizona Rep. Jim Kolbie has introduced a bill that would eliminate pennies from daily business transactions. "Pennies have virtually no value," he said. Hey, tell that to the 99 cent stores.

*** Late Night with Conan O'Brien has had to apologize to the Asian-American community for remarks made by comedian Sarah Silverman. (Here's the joke: She was telling about some advice she got from a friend on how to get out of jury duty. "My friend was like, well, why don't you just write something really inappropriate on the form, like 'I hate chinks.' But I didn't want people to think I was a racist. So I just filled out the form and wrote 'I love chinks.' --- and who doesn't?") Funny. Right? Those Asian-Americans have always had a different slant on comedy than the rest of us.

*** Did you see Bill Clinton being introduced as Richard Nixon at a recent speech? That's an easy mistake to make. I always get my Tricky Dicks confused.

*** Rapper Old Dirty Bastard is going to jail for 2 to 4 years. (Is that his choice? How does that work?) I know when he comes out he'll be an Older Dirty Bastard, but will he be a Wiser Dirty Bastard?

*** Britney Spears wants everyone to know that she's not a little girl anymore. Which can only mean one thing: she's gone up a couple of  implant sizes.

*** Rush Limbaugh will get $250 million over the next eight years to continue his radio talk show. Well, the man's gotta eat.

*** I kept reading how "Jurassic Park III" was filmed without a script. I guess they solved that problem by using the same script as the first one.

*** "America's Sweethearts" opened in theaters today. I don't know how well this is gonna do. I mean, do we really need another Tom and Roseanne bio-pic?

*** Michigan State University is getting a federal grant of $271,000 to study the effectiveness of its campaign against binge drinking. You can throw a lot of keggers with that kind of money.

*** The guy who wrote the song "Everybody's Talkin'" is dead. Now, there's something nobody's talkin' about.

*** Guess what? Pretty soon you'll be able to buy pre-sliced peanut butter at a store near you. Now, if only they'd come out with pre-sliced jelly I think I might be able to make my own damn sandwiches. The wife would be so happy.

*** Did you hear about that Chinese butcher who chopped up four food inspectors after confiscating his meat for being sub-standard? Well, how much better is food inspector meat gonna be? I think they just better send in more inspectors.

*** Have you heard about the "Brava"? It's a new bra device that uses suction to stimulate cell growth and thus increase breast size. Suction? Hell, that's something I can do. And it won't cost you a cent. Any interested parties contact me. No guys, please. (You guys are gonna have to grow breasts the old-fashioned way: beer and inactivity. Hell, it worked for me.)

*** Sara Lee Corp. has recalled 13,600 pounds of packaged lunch meats because they might be contaminated with salmonella bacteria, which causes diarrhea, abdominal pains, chills, fever, nausea and vomiting. I think it would've been interesting to get all those symptoms at once. Instead of one at a time like you do eating the uncontaminated lunch meats.

*** Did you hear about that prisoner who walked right out of jail after flashing an ID with Eddie Murphy's picture on it? I think the guy's starting to take this whole Eddie Murphy thing a little too seriously. He was last seen picking up a transvestite just to smell his feet.

*** Dan Quayle has turned over all of his political papers to the Dan Quayle Center and Museum in his hometown of Huntington, Indiana. That marks the last time anyone will ever set on eyes on Dan Quayle's political papers.

*** Charlie Sheen's "Ultimate Bachelor Pad" is on the market for $4.5 million dollars. Who would pay that much for what basically amounts to just one giant Charlie Sheen DNA sample? 

*** That Harrison Ford is quite a guy. Just last week he helped rescue a lost boy scout with his helicopter. In related news, Michael Jackson was seen out shopping for a helicopter.

*** The National Enquirer is reporting that Oprah is pregnant. Now there's a woman who won't start showing until her tenth or eleventh month.

*** New research has determined that left-handed people are twice as likely to suffer from inflammatory bowel diseases. Well, of course. They're wiping with the wrong hand.

*** Did you hear about that guy who was arrested for peeing on customers at the Lowes Home Improvement Center at Connecticut Commons? A customer service spokesman said , "It's a nice switch from all those pissed-off customers."

*** I'm at that age now where the only thing I'm itching to do is scratch.

And, that’s that.

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