*** Rep. Gary Condit has been interviewed yet again by the Washington police. This is turning out to be one of his longest relationships. How soon till the Washington police turn up missing?

*** Doesn't this Condit guy come across as sleazy to you? I mean, would you buy a used car from him? If you do, check the trunk. You might find a missing intern.

*** I think there's only way he can prove he didn't kill her. Dig her up so we can ask her ourselves.

*** 'N Sync released their new CD "Celebrity" this week. Which begs the question: What the hell do they know about celebrity? I haven't read one thing about any 'N Sync member either entering or leaving re-hab.

*** Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris (that bitch from the presidential election) says she's planning to run for Congress next year. With zero percent of the precincts counted she's already declared herself a winner.

*** Just because he's famous, Patrick Ewing has had to testify that a couple of Gold club strippers went up on him?

*** If I were Patrick Ewing I'd just look at it as a more public form of bragging.

*** The Pope met George W. Bush this past week. He's been praying for America ever since.

*** The Pope warned the president about the evil of embryo stem cell research. Evil? You mean like doing research to find cures for heretofore terminal illnesses? That kind of evil? If it weren't for papal infallibility I'd swear he was wrong about this.

*** The worst thing about papal infallibility has got to be finding someone else to blame for everything.

*** Tobacco company Phillip Morris has apologized for a company-funded study that stated the early deaths of smokers was one of the "positive effects" of smoking. They went on to say that what they really enjoy is the wide-spread cancer and agonizing chemotherapy. Those voice boxes are pretty cool too.

*** There's an elephant park in Thailand that's going to start making paper from elephant dung. Sounds just about right for all those Dannielle Steele books.

*** If they turn it into toilet paper wouldn't using it just seem redundant?

*** As writing paper it would have to be legal pads, wouldn't it?

*** MTV is currently celebrating its twentieth birthday. Which makes me wonder if they're breaking any age of consent laws with their constant courting of twelve year olds.

*** Revolution Studios has signed Jet Li and Jackie Chan to co-star in a movie together. Hey, ain't that a kick in the head.

*** The guy who received the world's first artificial heart is now able to stand and move --- with assistance. Is this supposed to be good news? Even a corpse could stand and move with assistance.

*** "The Goonies" director Richard Donner says that plans are in the works to make "The Goonies 2" with all of the original cast due to return. This time "The Goonies" turn out to be whoever green-lit this thing.

*** Rock star Bono has been meeting with world leaders to get them to forgive Third World debt. If this works out I'm gonna have him talk to Visa on my behalf.

*** Monica Lewinsky turned twenty-eight this week. Wow. Time sure does fly. Every one I talk to can remember back when she was just waist high.

*** George Harrison says he's dying. And soon. Ever since making this announcement his guitar has been gently weeping.

*** "Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak will be starring in a stage production of "The Odd Couple". And I always thought FU meant Felix Unger.

*** Wouldn't it be a great world if everyone were just like me? Of course, there'd be no place to park when I go see "Planet of the Apes" this weekend. So I'll walk. But if I walk everyone will. And then there's bound to be a place to park. Hmmm.

*** Right before I go out to eat I always ask myself "Where Would Jesus Dine?" Did somebody say McDonald's?

*** And, by the way, "Who Washed Johnny Depp?" You missed a spot.