*** Who says you can't fake your way
through a lie detector test? Gary
*** Rep. Gary Condit has been
interviewed yet again by the Washington
police. This is turning out to be one of his longest relationships. How
till the Washington police turn up missing?
*** Doesn't this Condit guy come
across as sleazy to you? I mean, would
you buy a used car from him? If you do, check the trunk. You might find
*** I think there's only way he can
prove he didn't kill her. Dig her up
so we can ask her ourselves.
*** 'N Sync released their new CD
"Celebrity" this week. Which
begs the question: What the hell do they know about celebrity? I
one thing about any 'N Sync member either entering or leaving re-hab.
*** Florida Secretary of State
Katherine Harris (that bitch from the
presidential election) says she's planning to run for Congress next
zero percent of the precincts counted she's already declared herself a
*** Just because he's famous, Patrick
Ewing has had to testify that a
couple of Gold club strippers went up on him?
*** If I were Patrick Ewing I'd just
look at it as a more public form of
*** The Pope met George W. Bush this
past week. He's been praying for
America ever since.
*** The Pope warned the president
about the evil of embryo stem cell
research. Evil? You mean like doing research to find cures for
terminal illnesses? That kind of evil? If it weren't for papal
swear he was wrong about this.
*** The worst thing about papal
infallibility has got to be finding
someone else to blame for everything.
*** Tobacco company Phillip Morris has
apologized for a company-funded
study that stated the early deaths of smokers was one of the "positive
effects" of smoking. They went on to say that what they really enjoy is
wide-spread cancer and agonizing chemotherapy. Those voice boxes are
*** There's an elephant park in
Thailand that's going to start making
paper from elephant dung. Sounds just about right for all those
*** If they turn it into toilet paper
wouldn't using it just seem
*** As writing paper it would have to
be legal pads, wouldn't it?
*** MTV is currently celebrating its
twentieth birthday. Which makes me
wonder if they're breaking any age of consent laws with their constant
of twelve year olds.
*** Revolution Studios has signed Jet
Li and Jackie Chan to co-star in a
movie together. Hey, ain't that a kick in the head.
*** The guy who received the world's
first artificial heart is now able to
stand and move --- with assistance. Is this supposed to be good news?
corpse could stand and move with assistance.
*** "The Goonies" director Richard
Donner says that plans are in
the works to make "The Goonies 2" with all of the original cast due to
return. This time "The Goonies" turn out to be whoever green-lit this
*** Rock star Bono has been meeting
with world leaders to get them to
forgive Third World debt. If this works out I'm gonna have him talk to
*** Monica Lewinsky turned
twenty-eight this week. Wow. Time sure does
fly. Every one I talk to can remember back when she was just waist high.
*** George Harrison says he's dying.
And soon. Ever since making this
announcement his guitar has been gently weeping.
*** "Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak
will be starring in a
stage production of "The Odd Couple". And I always thought FU meant
*** Wouldn't it be a great world if
everyone were just like me? Of course,
there'd be no place to park when I go see "Planet of the Apes" this
weekend. So I'll walk. But if I walk everyone will. And then there's
bound to be
a place to park. Hmmm.
*** Right before I go out to eat I
always ask myself "Where Would
Jesus Dine?" Did somebody say McDonald's?
*** And, by the way, "Who Washed
Johnny Depp?" You missed a
*** Lastly, sad news: "Woody
Woodpecker Just Died."
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