*** It's also the first kickoff, but you already knew that.

*** I read Korey Stringer was also a Pro Bowler. One thing he'll never be now is a Super Bowler.

*** I just hope they don't kick his coffin into the end zone.

*** Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champ and convicted rapist, is in trouble again. This time for allegedly sexually assaulting a 50-year-old California woman who just happened to be in his hotel room. I don't think Tyson would ever rape a woman. (At least, not again.) It breaks too many boxing rules. First, it's hitting below the belt. And, with a part of the body other than a gloved fist. 

*** Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France (that bicycle race) for the third time in a row. Proving, once and for all, it doesn't take a lot of balls to be a world-class athlete.

*** A publicist for Mariah Carey has confirmed that she was hospitalized for "extreme exhaustion". "Extreme" exhaustion? Who's her publicist? Vince McMahon?

*** GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has announced that it intends to attack Kevin Smith's new movie "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" for its "derogatory" use of terms such as "gay" and "fag". Who put a bug up their ass? Oh, wait. That's not a bug. Sorry!

*** Did you hear about that guy teacher who had a sex change operation and will now be teaching as a woman? I don't know. I think I speak for most guys when I say, "You'll get my penis when you pry it from my cold, dead hand."

*** Hotel bed bug infestations have gone up over 1000%. Which can mean only one thing: Madonna's on tour again.

*** Speaking of Madonna, she will star in a new movie that her husband, Guy Ritchie, will direct. "Direct", as in "direct to video".

*** If they really just wanted to make "Apocalypse Now" longer, why didn't they do what they do with every other movie. Add commercials and run it on network TV.

*** There's actually talk of turning the Jerry Springer Show into an opera. It won't be over till the fat lady gets hit with a flying chair.

*** A 94-year-old Brazilian woman will be naked in the September Penthouse. What will her parents think?

*** She'll be the fold out. No, wait a minute. She is a fold out.

*** She did it just so she could get her SAG card.

*** She's so old the only thing she's had between her breasts for years is her vagina.

*** She's so wrinkled she has to screw on her panties.

*** Britain's Queen Mum turns 101 years old this Saturday and can't wait to see her good friend in the September Penthouse.

*** The thong celebrated its 20th birthday this week. If you were one of the first to wear a thong you can stop now. You're making us all sick.

*** Eighty percent of Americans surveyed say children are more spoiled today than a decade ago. And I thought that smell was just New Jersey.

*** Nearly half of the adult residents of Detroit are functionally illiterate. In fact, the most popular bumper sticker in Detroit is: "If you can read this, you ain't from around here."

*** A new study has revealed that women think about their hair almost as much as they think about sex. Whether it's hair or sex, as long as they part it in the middle I'm okay with it.

*** Christopher "Play" Martin, rapper and "House Party 3" star, has been charged with not paying child support for his son. There's a guy who seems to not want anything to do with any Kid.

*** Rosie O'Donnell has revealed that she's been on anti-depressants for the past two years. "The gloom was becoming constant," she said. Virtually every day, for about an hour, from 10AM to 11AM. 

*** Ben Affleck's now in rehab. He knew he had a problem when he was bombed more than Pearl Harbor.