*** Football season hasn't even
started yet and the Minnesota Vikings have
a First Down: Korey Stringer.
*** It's also the first kickoff, but
you already knew that.
*** I read Korey Stringer was also a
Pro Bowler. One thing he'll never be
now is a Super Bowler.
*** I just hope they don't kick his
coffin into the end zone.
*** Mike Tyson, former heavyweight
champ and convicted rapist, is in
trouble again. This time for allegedly sexually assaulting a
California woman who just happened to be in his hotel room. I don't
would ever rape a woman. (At least, not again.) It breaks too many
First, it's hitting below the belt. And, with a part of the body other
*** Lance Armstrong won the Tour de
France (that bicycle race) for the
third time in a row. Proving, once and for all, it doesn't take a lot
to be a world-class athlete.
*** A publicist for Mariah Carey has
confirmed that she was hospitalized
for "extreme exhaustion". "Extreme" exhaustion? Who's her
publicist? Vince McMahon?
*** GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian
Alliance Against Defamation) has announced
that it intends to attack Kevin Smith's new movie "Jay and Silent Bob
Strike Back" for its "derogatory" use of terms such as
"gay" and "fag". Who put a bug up their ass? Oh, wait.
That's not a bug. Sorry!
*** Did you hear about that guy
teacher who had a sex change operation and
will now be teaching as a woman? I don't know. I think I speak for most
when I say, "You'll get my penis when you pry it from my cold, dead
*** Hotel bed bug infestations have
gone up over 1000%. Which can mean
only one thing: Madonna's on tour again.
*** Speaking of Madonna, she will star
in a new movie that her husband,
Guy Ritchie, will direct. "Direct", as in "direct to video".
*** If they really just wanted to make
"Apocalypse Now" longer,
why didn't they do what they do with every other movie. Add commercials
it on network TV.
*** There's actually talk of turning
the Jerry Springer Show into an
opera. It won't be over till the fat lady gets hit with a flying chair.
*** A 94-year-old Brazilian woman will
be naked in the September
Penthouse. What will her parents think?
*** She'll be the fold out. No, wait a
minute. She is a fold out.
*** She did it just so she could get
her SAG card.
*** She's so old the only thing she's
had between her breasts for years is
*** She's so wrinkled she has to screw
on her panties.
*** Britain's Queen Mum turns 101
years old this Saturday and can't wait
to see her good friend in the September Penthouse.
*** The thong celebrated its 20th
birthday this week. If you were one of
the first to wear a thong you can stop now. You're making us all sick.
*** Eighty percent of Americans
surveyed say children are more spoiled
today than a decade ago. And I thought that smell was just New Jersey.
*** Nearly half of the adult residents
of Detroit are functionally
illiterate. In fact, the most popular bumper sticker in Detroit is: "If
you can read this, you ain't from around here."
*** A new study has revealed that
women think about their hair almost as
much as they think about sex. Whether it's hair or sex, as long as they
in the middle I'm okay with it.
*** Christopher "Play" Martin, rapper
and "House Party
3" star, has been charged with not paying child support for his son.
There's a guy who seems to not want anything to do with any Kid.
*** Rosie O'Donnell has revealed that
she's been on anti-depressants for
the past two years. "The gloom was becoming constant," she said.
Virtually every day, for about an hour, from 10AM to 11AM.
*** Ben Affleck's now in rehab. He
knew he had a problem when he was
bombed more than Pearl Harbor.
*** Oh, and Bill Clinton moved to
Harlem this week. There goes the
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