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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-10-01

*** George W. Bush defended his one month vacation by saying, "What are y'all --- jealous?"

*** President Bush was given a complete physical before leaving on his vacation. Did they have to remove his head to check his prostate, or could they just work around it?

*** Bush was on TV Thursday calling for federal funding of "limited" stem cell research. Does this surprise anyone? Isn't everything Bush does "limited"?

*** Man, was it hot this week. It was so hot, George W. Bush said, "Is this what people mean when they talk about 'Global Warming'? Heck, I always just called it summer."

*** Did you see President Bush "helping" to build a house for Habitat for Humanity? He had a hammer and some nails and was banging away. It's kinda nice to see a president so open with all of his banging, isn't it?

*** Bill Clinton has signed a book deal for $10 million dollars. It's not that much when you consider it's less than a dollar per lie.

*** I wonder if it'll be a blow by blow account of his presidency?

*** Some proposed titles: "Crouching Intern, Hidden Dagger"; "Skanks For The Memories"; "Presidential Erections"; and "Clinton: An Oral History".

*** They say this is the highest price ever paid for an author's first work of fiction.

*** America West Airlines keeps flying kids to the wrong airport. What do they think these kids are --- luggage?

*** According to a new survey, one in three Britons lie on their job applications. I'll bet two out of three Britons lie on surveys.

*** The percentage of Americans speaking a non-English language rose from 13.8% in 1990 to 17.6% in 2000. The increase is largely due to people taking up whatever language it is our president uses.

*** Eighty-five percent of American workers say they lie in the workplace. The other 15% are changing jobs every other week.

*** The bat that "Shoeless" Joe Jackson used throughout his baseball career fetched $577,610 in an Internet auction. Wow, now that's a lot of money. I wonder what I could get for his shoes?

*** American lawyers have voted to continue the ban on sexual relationships with their clients. I guess they still prefer "over-billing" as the best way to screw their clients.

*** Bobby Brown has gone right back to work on his next album after being briefly hospitalized for exhaustion this week. Hey, that's his prerogative.

*** A tropical storm has forced the cancellation of several 'N Sync concerts down south. Now I know why they refer to tropical storms as "acts of God".

*** German soldiers have been told to use lavatory paper sparingly because the armed forces over there are trying to save money. I can hear their new recruitment slogan now: "We do more with nine squares of toilet paper than most people do with an entire roll."

*** Erstwhile actor Steve Guttenberg has made his directorial debut, "P.S. Your Cat Is Dead". It stars E! personality (the E! here does not stand for Electric or Entertaining) A.J. Benza. You'll find this in your video store in a new section, "Dreck to Video".

*** Cable's Showtime Network will be making a movie about the 2000 Presidential Election. Tentative title: "Attack of the Clones".

*** George Lucas has released the title of the next Star Wars movie: "Episode II: It Can't Suck Like Episode I."

*** "Dear Gary Benson, You're dead. Your Stalkee, Jerry Lewis."

***Did you hear about the guy who had the entire lyrics to "Stairway To Heaven" tattooed on his back? I haven't stopped laughing since I heard this. Does anybody remember laughter?

***Mariah Carey says there's a conspiracy afoot to ruin her career and keep her record sales down. She can call it a conspiracy if she wants to, but we prefer the term "Music Lovers".

*** "American Pie 2" opened today. And not a pie gets fucked in this entire movie. Isn't that kinda like a Jackie Chan movie where nobody gets kicked?

*** I hear the pie was holding out for too much dough.

*** Why are there only eleven angry guys in the movie "Twelve Angry Men"?

*** Oh, by the way, it's National Psychic Week. I'm so clairvoyant I celebrated last week.

And, that’s that.

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