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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-17-01

*** MTV's Jackass has been cancelled. Where will tomorrow's teens find the inspiration for the day after tomorrow's injuries?

*** Two members of the rap group "Junior M.A.F.I.A." were arrested for their involvement in a NYC shooting. So, I'm guessing they have a new CD out, right?

*** Remember before rap, when "Number One With a Bullet" meant a record was selling well and not that the group just started its promotional tour?

*** According to a new survey six in ten Americans say that all cloning should be banned. The other four in ten can't wait to be cloned so they can win this poll next time.

*** A new study shows that snacks and junk food may be bad for you eyesight. That must explain why fat chicks are always asking, "Do these pants make me look fat?"

*** Did you hear about that British guy who made love to a lamp-post? It's true. David Pithers was so desperate for sex he pulled his trousers down to his ankles, wrapped his arms around the 30 foot pole and rubbed himself up and down. This would've gone a lot easier for him if he just waited till nightfall. Then, at least, the lamp would've been turned on too.

*** Some guy paid $761.51 for a lock of Edgar Allan Poe's hair on e-bay this past week. Quoth his wife, "Nevermore."

*** Prince Charles has gotten his mom's okay to marry Camilla Parker Bowles. I guess it's true what they say: Every dog has her day.

*** Rush Limbaugh is in negotiations with CNN to host his own talk show. Which leads me to only one conclusion: CNN is a Big Fat Idiot.

*** There's a "Facts Of Life" reunion TV movie soon to be shown on an actual TV network. This is about twenty years and 500 pounds past anyone's interest.

*** Did you hear about that Missouri pharmacist who was arrested for diluting chemotherapy drugs? Robert Courtney is accused of diluting prescriptions for Taxol and Gemzar. Ask you doctor about diluted Taxol and Gemzar today.

*** Two U.S. companies are attempting to clone chickens on a huge scale. I'm guessing with eleven herbs and spices no one will be the wiser.

*** There's a U-Haul truck shortage in San Francisco. Apparently about 3,000 trucks have left SF, one way, in the past three months. Gee, and I thought everyone in San Francisco went both ways.

*** Rich McGinn, ex-CEO of Lucent, was given $12.5 million in severance pay after having been fired. It would cost me an arm and a leg, literally, to get that kind of severance pay. The only thing I ever got after being fired was a restraining order.

*** The Pope has apologized to all the young boy choir members who, throughout the centuries, have been castrated to preserve their beautiful young singing voices. Not many people realize that this is a practice that had been going on until very recently. In fact, a spokesperson for the Backstreet Boys said, "Apology accepted."

*** In all fairness, to admit your mistakes and apologize for them does take a lot of balls.

*** Sinead O'Connor got married this week. When the Pope heard about it he ripped up the marriage certificate.

*** Did you hear about that guy in Thailand who, to protest lousy treatment at his bank, covered himself in human feces before returning to the bank to close his account? Funnily enough, he was still treated like shit.

*** Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has written an autobiographical musical. Who'd go to see a musical about a singing, dancing dictator?

*** Drew Carey had a heart operation this week. And this is news? Since when does a health scare for a Cleveland, Ohio department store middle manager rate as news? I'd much rather hear about over-paid baseball players.

*** Barry Bonds hit his 50th home run this past week. This has fueled speculation among many sportscasters that Bonds is indeed a good baseball player.

*** I think if Captain Corelli gave just two mandolin lessons he'd make more money than "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".

*** A new survey reveals that 22% of U.S. teens don't know from what country we declared our independence. That's amazing. True, many of them were still in diapers when it happened, but still ---.

*** Did you know that there are still 14 states in this country where it's illegal to perform heterosexual fellatio? Now that really sucks. What two people do in the privacy of each other's mouth should be none of the government's business.

*** I think I can predict all the winners of  Teen Choice Awards this year: Crap, More Crap, and 'N Sync.

And, that’s that.

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