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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-24-01

*** ABC scored huge ratings with that Gary Condit/ Connie Chung interview. It was nice to see Wang and Chung back together again.

*** I don't think Condit was very forthcoming in the interview. He would only admit to having a "close" relationship with Chandra Levy. So close at times they were no more than four inches apart.

*** Did you see that guy standing right behind Condit throughout the interview? The guy with the fire extinguisher? He was there just in case Condit's pants caught on fire.

*** I know Gary Condit probably spends a lot of time on his hair. So, how come I get the same look just by waking up?

*** Condit told People magazine, "My wife and children know I'm not a perfect man." When did they start watching the news?

*** Remember that big U.S. budget surplus? Well, it's gone. And I hear Gary Condit was the last one to see it.

*** This Powerball Lotto is now up to $280 million. How many newscasters do this story and then throw it back to the anchor saying, "That's a Lotto money. Back to you, Steve."

*** Why is everyone so surprised about this Game Card fraud at McDonald's? Haven't they been trying for years to pass those French fries off as food?

*** There haven't been this many shark attacks in Florida since right after the election. When all those lawyers showed up.

*** Even with PriceLine.com it can still cost an arm and a leg to vacation in Florida.

*** Comedian A. J. Johnson was charged with third-degree assault for throwing a glass at a woman in the audience and then swinging the microphone and hitting her friend in the head. This answers the age-old question: How does a prop comic handle a heckler?

*** TV producer Aaron Spelling is resting comfortably after undergoing radiation therapy for a lesion in his throat. Isn't it ironic that a guy whose had his finger down the throat of the American public would have throat problems? Let's hope the radiation treatments make it almost impossible for him to say, "Great idea. Let's do it."

*** Brazil is preparing to throw out a 1916 civil code that allows a man to annul his marriage if he finds his bride is not a virgin. I think most men now would be alarmed to find out there wife is a virgin. Any woman "saving" herself these days can't be drawing any interest.

*** AOL is expected to lay off up to 1,700 employees this week. I guess they'll be changing their name to America-On-Line-At-The-Unemployment-Office.

*** Justin Timberlake is now comparing 'N Sync to Nirvana. Somebody ought to stand behind that boy with a catcher's mitt. When this thing's over there's gonna be brains everywhere. Can you imagine what that would fetch on e-bay?

*** Ben Stiller says that he's manic depressive. Don't fret, Ben. Every show biz career has its ups and downs.

*** I don't know what you've heard about the "Katie Holmes stalker", but I just want to set the record straight. I've never called her dad, never written any letters, and never discussed our impending nuptials with anyone. I just stand around my house with my pants off waiting for her to show up. Hey, it worked with Anne Heche.

*** Will Smith is all set to star in a remake of the Dolly Parton movie "Nine to Five." Funnily enough, nine to five are the odds against me ever going to see this.

*** Sarah Michelle Gellar apparently nixed boyfriend Freddie Prinze Jr.'s bare butt scene from the upcoming movie "Summer Catch". What an ass! And I'm sorry we all won't get to see it.

*** Eight out of ten Swedish women say they're not getting enough sex. And I'm not having enough sex with Swedish women. If that Swedish Bikini Team wants to parachute by my house next week, I'll be there with my pants off. Waiting for Katie Holmes, true, but a guy's gotta do something to kill time.

*** It's now been declared unconstitutional for the state of California to tell topless dancers that they can't touch themselves. The ruling states that this falls under "free expression". If that's "free" expression, then I'm paying way too much for drinks at these places.

*** Are you like me, when you're watching a stripper do you sometimes dress her with your eyes?

*** If those people protesting the movie "Bubble Boy" really don't want people to see it they should start mailing everyone copies of the reviews.

*** NASA is ending its satellite mission to keep tabs on the hole in the Earth's ozone layer because they can't afford the $10 million-a-year bill. It now behooves each and every American to do everything we can to make that ozone hole so big we can all keep tabs on it ourselves. So, give a hoot. Go out and pollute.

*** According to a new report more than half of all college students drop out rather than graduate. Proving, once and for all, that not everyone can handle their liquor.

*** Lastly, if you rearrange the letters in "Pearl Harbor" you get "Rehab Parlor". And you'll find Ben Affleck in both.

And, that’s that.

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