*** I'll tell you what the difference
between a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old baseball player is. If that
14-year-old gets a base on balls, those balls have got hair on them.
*** Don't you think that at fourteen
Danny Almonte should be old enough to know how old he is? Then again,
maybe not. Even his parents don't.
*** He's been rocked by legal scandal,
kept out of school since he's been in the U.S., and now wiped from the
Little League record books. But as long he keeps those fastballs fast
and those perfect games perfect, Danny Almonte will not be deported
without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
*** George W. Bush returned a day
early from his month long vacation today. Just in time for the three
day holiday weekend.
*** In other President Bush news, he
plans to launch a new White House Web site that he promises will have
"something for everybody". You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr.
President. Nude pictures of your daughters on the Internet. How could
you? (He did say "something for everybody", didn't he?)
*** George W. was also inducted into
the Little League Hall of Excellence for being the first Little Leaguer
to grow up to be president. Guess he never lied about his age. He's
lied about his qualifications, his "winning" of the election, and
global warming, but never his age.
*** Palm Beach County in Florida plans
to auction off some of its infamous punchcard voting machines on e-bay.
Y'know, I'd bid on one, but I'm not sure I can hit my "Enter" key hard
*** Can you blame Bill Clinton for
hanging out with Anthony "Hannibal" Hopkins? He's playing it safe these
days and only spending time with people who swallow.
*** Social Security paid out $31
million dollars to dead people last year. I've got a question. Where
are the dead people cashing their checks? Anywhere I go I need two
pieces of ID and a pulse.
*** Chris Tucker has joined a
congressional delegation that will visit four African nations next week
to promote trade, health care, democracy, and "Rush Hour II".
Food Groups is recalling more than 530,000 pounds of ground beef in 17
states because the food may be contaminated with a deadly strain of E.
coli. Boy, that E. coli sure makes a lot of news. One minute it's here,
next it's there. I'm beginning to think the "E" in E. coli stands for
*** The Church of England is facing
criticism over an advertising campaign stating that Jesus had body
piercings. Why the controversy? It's true, isn't it? I mean, yeah, they
were kinda against his will and they killed him, but that doesn't make
it any less true.
*** U.S. Sen. Ernest "Fritz" Hollings
says that 98-year-old South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond is no longer
"mentally keen". He does, however, admit that he has moments of "mental
*** The very last new episode of "Mr.
Rogers' Neighborhood" aired today on PBS. Which makes me wonder, why
have they been making "new" episodes all these years when every single
episode looks exactly like every other one? Is that the best use of my
pledge money, you bastards?
*** Did you realize there's a teacher
shortage out there? School districts are now relying so heavily on
substitutes that the average student completing 12 years of public
school will have had a substitute for the equivalent of one school
year. Can you imagine that? Every boy in public school now spends one
year going under the name "Dick Hertz".
*** Rodney King was arrested Tuesday
for being under the influence of PCP. Gee, I wonder if he was out
*** According to a new report, the
number of adults behind bars, on parole or on probation has
reached a record 6.47 million in the year 2000. That's one out of every
thirty-two American adults. And who says rap stars aren't role models?
*** The American Medical Association
is spending $1 million to tell doctors not to accept gifts from drug
companies. This is an education campaign being funded by drug
companies. Now wait just a minute there. If these drug companies just
gave that money to the doctors directly, I'm sure they'd know enough
not to ask for gifts too.
*** According to the British Medical
Journal, kids who are tortured, teased or otherwise bullied at school
are at risk of becoming depressed and anxious teens. Whereas bullies
report a heightened sense of self-esteem with each "wedgy", "swirly"
paparazzi were quite surprised when French President Jacques Chirac
walked out onto the terrace of his summer residence completely naked.
I've seen the photos and, trust me, it's no big thing.
*** Bob Hope, 98-year-old legendary
comedian, was hospitalized with a "mild" case of pneumonia this week.
He's expected to recover and be released from the hospital just in time
for his funeral.
*** In a study of food consumption
patterns, psychologists have found that ordering chicken salad on a
date heightens sexual allure and creates an impression of intelligence
and career promise. If you'd rather be the life of the party it's
better to order a hamburger. But if you really want to score it's best
to have a large sausage.
*** Michael Jackson has snagged the
cast of "The Sopranos" for his new video. Well, at least the cast can
execute a hit.
*** Makeup artist John Chambers, who
won an Academy Award for the original "Planet of the Apes", died this
week. He was buried next to the Statue of Liberty in the New York
*** Lastly, the Stratosphere resort in
Las Vegas plans to build a free-fall style ride that will drop
thrill-seekers 740 feet, sending them on a trip reaching speeds up to
120 mph before rocketing them back up at a force of four G's. This
sounds way too dangerous for me. I mean, isn't that how Aaliyah died?
And, that’s that.
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