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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-31-01

*** I'll tell you what the difference between a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old baseball player is. If that 14-year-old gets a base on balls, those balls have got hair on them.

*** Don't you think that at fourteen Danny Almonte should be old enough to know how old he is? Then again, maybe not. Even his parents don't.

*** He's been rocked by legal scandal, kept out of school since he's been in the U.S., and now wiped from the Little League record books. But as long he keeps those fastballs fast and those perfect games perfect, Danny Almonte will not be deported without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

*** George W. Bush returned a day early from his month long vacation today. Just in time for the three day holiday weekend.

*** In other President Bush news, he plans to launch a new White House Web site that he promises will have "something for everybody". You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. President. Nude pictures of your daughters on the Internet. How could you? (He did say "something for everybody", didn't he?)

*** George W. was also inducted into the Little League Hall of Excellence for being the first Little Leaguer to grow up to be president. Guess he never lied about his age. He's lied about his qualifications, his "winning" of the election, and global warming, but never his age.

*** Palm Beach County in Florida plans to auction off some of its infamous punchcard voting machines on e-bay. Y'know, I'd bid on one, but I'm not sure I can hit my "Enter" key hard enough.

*** Can you blame Bill Clinton for hanging out with Anthony "Hannibal" Hopkins? He's playing it safe these days and only spending time with people who swallow.

*** Social Security paid out $31 million dollars to dead people last year. I've got a question. Where are the dead people cashing their checks? Anywhere I go I need two pieces of ID and a pulse.

*** Chris Tucker has joined a congressional delegation that will visit four African nations next week to promote trade, health care, democracy, and "Rush Hour II".

*** American Food Groups is recalling more than 530,000 pounds of ground beef in 17 states because the food may be contaminated with a deadly strain of E. coli. Boy, that E. coli sure makes a lot of news. One minute it's here, next it's there. I'm beginning to think the "E" in E. coli stands for "everywhere".

*** The Church of England is facing criticism over an advertising campaign stating that Jesus had body piercings. Why the controversy? It's true, isn't it? I mean, yeah, they were kinda against his will and they killed him, but that doesn't make it any less true.

*** U.S. Sen. Ernest "Fritz" Hollings says that 98-year-old South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond is no longer "mentally keen". He does, however, admit that he has moments of "mental neato-ness".

*** The very last new episode of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" aired today on PBS. Which makes me wonder, why have they been making "new" episodes all these years when every single episode looks exactly like every other one? Is that the best use of my pledge money, you bastards?

*** Did you realize there's a teacher shortage out there? School districts are now relying so heavily on substitutes that the average student completing 12 years of public school will have had a substitute for the equivalent of one school year. Can you imagine that? Every boy in public school now spends one year going under the name "Dick Hertz".

*** Rodney King was arrested Tuesday for being under the influence of PCP. Gee, I wonder if he was out clubbing.

*** According to a new report, the number of adults  behind bars, on parole or on probation has reached a record 6.47 million in the year 2000. That's one out of every thirty-two American adults. And who says rap stars aren't role models?

*** The American Medical Association is spending $1 million to tell doctors not to accept gifts from drug companies. This is an education campaign being funded by drug companies. Now wait just a minute there. If these drug companies just gave that money to the doctors directly, I'm sure they'd know enough not to ask for gifts too.

*** According to the British Medical Journal, kids who are tortured, teased or otherwise bullied at school are at risk of becoming depressed and anxious teens. Whereas bullies report a heightened sense of self-esteem with each "wedgy", "swirly" and "nelson".

*** French paparazzi were quite surprised when French President Jacques Chirac walked out onto the terrace of his summer residence completely naked. I've seen the photos and, trust me, it's no big thing.

*** Bob Hope, 98-year-old legendary comedian, was hospitalized with a "mild" case of pneumonia this week. He's expected to recover and be released from the hospital just in time for his funeral.

*** In a study of food consumption patterns, psychologists have found that ordering chicken salad on a date heightens sexual allure and creates an impression of intelligence and career promise. If you'd rather be the life of the party it's better to order a hamburger. But if you really want to score it's best to have a large sausage.

*** Michael Jackson has snagged the cast of "The Sopranos" for his new video. Well, at least the cast can execute a hit.

*** Makeup artist John Chambers, who won an Academy Award for the original "Planet of the Apes", died this week. He was buried next to the Statue of Liberty in the New York desert.

*** Lastly, the Stratosphere resort in Las Vegas plans to build a free-fall style ride that will drop thrill-seekers 740 feet, sending them on a trip reaching speeds up to 120 mph before rocketing them back up at a force of four G's. This sounds way too dangerous for me. I mean, isn't that how Aaliyah died?

And, that’s that.

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