*** First and foremost, I'd like to
thank my Lord and savior Jesus Christ for last night. Those hand jobs
feel a whole lot different when the hand's got a hole in it.
*** The MTV Video Awards were held
last night. Have you ever seen a more self-absorbed group of people in
one place before? I mean, other than at the Grammys, the Emmys, the
Obies, the Oscars, the Tonys, the Country Music Awards, the Peabodys,
the Nobel Prize Awards, and every one of my family reunions? No? I
didn't think so.
*** 'N Sync won for best group video,
best pop video, best dance video, and viewer's choice, all for "Pop".
(That's there song about zits, right?). Explaining, once and for all,
why they're called "Video" awards and not "Music" awards.
*** Britney Spears performed a new
song with a large python. I must've been in the bathroom. Did she
really do a duet with Tommy Lee?
*** Anne Heche got married this past
week. To a guy. I give this wedding six days, seven nights. Or maybe
even as long as "Six Days, Seven Nights" played in theaters. Ten days
*** Anne Heche told Barbara Walters
that she's two people: Anne Heche and a being from the Fourth Dimension
called Celestia. This means that whenever she's with someone it's
always a menage a trois.
*** This other Anne Heche, this
Celestia, has a direct line to God and speaks to Him quite frequently.
This has gotta be tough for the new guy. He gets her in bed and gets
her screaming, "Oh, God! Oh, God!"; he doesn't know if he's got Anne
Heche excited or he's interrupting a personal conversation of
*** Anne Heche also said that she is
"committed to heterosexuality". "Heterosexuality"? That must be the
name of the loony bin in the Fourth Dimension.
*** Janet Reno announced plans to run
for governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. This has led many to question
her chances of winning and, as usual, her gender.
*** Reno's certainly got what it takes
to make any Bush all wet.
*** Did any else notice how inflated
Jerry Lewis looked during the Labor Day Telethon? Did he get confused
and think it was Thanksgiving and he was a balloon in the Macy's parade?
*** Legendary comedian Bob Hope, age
98, is responding to treatment for pneumonia, but his doctors say he's
not telling jokes or swinging a golf club just yet. That just leaves
making his doctors rich as his only reason to live.
*** Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf died
this week. His life was as angry, drunk and short as he was.
*** Film critic Pauline Kael died
after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. If she died from
Parkinson's disease, who's gonna die from Pauline Kael's disease?
*** McDonald's gave its million dollar
prize to a homeless guy this week. The first thing he did was buy a
refrigerator and move right into the box.
*** I wonder if he got fries with that.
*** Research suggests that as many as
one in ten college students have turned in a paper straight from the
Web. I'll bet one of them was Peter Parker.
*** Police in the Czech capital Prague
arrested a man suspected of murdering his girlfriend and mailing her
body parts to fictitious addresses. I wonder if he knew they'd all wind
up in the dead letter office.
*** What's the latest beverage craze
in the Orkney islands off northern Scotland? Dung-flavored beer.
Historians have recreated the recipe after uncovering what they claim
is a 5,000-year-old pub and brewery on the remote archipelago.
Dung-flavored beer? Well, that'll certainly get you shit-faced.
*** This has gotta be the easiest way
to turn #2 into #1 ever.
*** It certainly gives the phrase
"drunk off his ass" a new meaning.
*** They say this dung-flavored beer
is making quite a comeback. I'm thinking the only comeback
dung-flavored beer will ever make is back up the alimentary canal.
*** This dung-flavored beer has gotta
be for all those Schlitz and Rheingold drinkers who are tired of
drinking beer that just tastes like piss.
*** Here's a slogan: "Dung-gold! For
when you're having less than one."
*** Lastly, Hindu nationalists in
India have launched a marketing campaign to promote cow's urine as a
health cure. The urine is being sold under the label "Gift of the Cow".
Gee, if they consider urine a gift, they must be awfully easy to shop
for on X-mas.
And, that’s that.
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