*** There was also that "Attack on America"^TM. I gotta figure Gary Condit's at least a little happy about all this. He was probably starting to think he'd have to kill himself and be dead about a year before he'd get out of the papers.

*** Jerry Falwell says that "the ACLU, abortion providers, gay rights proponents and federal courts that had banned school prayer and legalized abortion, have so weakened the United States spiritually that the nation was left exposed to Tuesday's terrorist attacks." He forgot to mention Tinky Winky.

*** I think we can file Falwell's remarks under ACLU: A Christian Leader Unhinged.

*** Everyone else is convinced Osama Bin Laden is behind this. I guess the world looks different to Jerry Falwell. What with his head up his ass and all, I'm sure it does.

*** By the way, if you rearrange the letters in Osama Bin Laden you get "Me Is No Bad Anal". Sounds like a gay rights slogan, doesn't it? Maybe Jerry Falwell's right.

*** Because of the "Attack on America"^TM, all trading was suspended on all U.S. stock exchanges. I say keep them closed and make this the first month my 401k doesn't go down.

*** Why do I even have a 401k? I could spend that money on beer and lap dances and still have some money left to piss away.

*** One of the intended targets of the attack was the White House. But when you think about it the White House has always been the target of crazed fanatics. Or haven't you noticed Pat Buchanan running for president each election?

*** A lot of people see parallels between the "Attack on America"^TM and "Pearl Harbor". I'd have to disagree. True, the TV coverage has been long and boring. But, where's the ridiculous romantic subplot?

*** The thing that gets on my nerves most is, as usual, my skin.

*** Next week's scheduled start of the new TV season has been postponed indefinitely. After seeing those planes fly straight into buildings again and again on the news, I'm thinking people have had enough of bad pilots for a while.

*** After the events of the past week I was surprised to see Michael Jackson on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. When did people start calling him "Jacko"? I always thought his nickname was "Jackoff". Do we have to shorten everything?

*** Y'know, I heard Jennifer Aniston say that she smokes a little pot now and again. With a Friend like that who needs a dealer?

*** And Monica Lewinsky says she's going to college until she gets a PhD. Good for her. I just never knew they gave doctorates in Presidential Head.

*** An 80-year-old Westmoreland, Virginia man was arrested for having sex with a cow. I blame the cow. Who could resist anything so provocatively dressed? Next time don't wear the moo-moo.

*** I bought some new toothpaste with extra whitener. That should come in handy because my toothbrush is turning green.

*** Keanu Reeves says he was duped into being in the movie "The Watcher" when a friend (sic) of his forged his name on the contract and he couldn't prove it. Okay. So what's your excuse for "Hardball"?

*** I'm pretty sure I'm the only watcher "The Watcher" has ever had.

*** I am so gassy lately. And it stinks worse than ever. I'm pretty sure I've discovered the exact opposite of Aromatherapy.

*** Michael Jordan is just about ready to possibly announce his return to basketball as a player. I guess he finally finished up that important call he had going with Tweety Bird.

*** Peter Fonda told an interviewer that he got high on LSD with the Beatles. So high, in fact, that George Harrison thought he was going to die. Wow. And George still thinks that to this day.

*** Colorado investigators are seeking the identity of an AOL subscriber who posted a message on a bulletin board saying he witnessed the 1996 slaying of Jon Benet Ramsey. So far the only clue they have is his e-mail address: ColoradoPoliceDepartmentWasteOfTime@AOL.com.

*** "The Simpsons" will now have their very own cereal. "Cheeri-Doh's?"