*** I really don't know what to say.
But that's never stopped me before. A tragedy of undreamed of
proportions has befallen our great nation: NO FOOTBALL THIS WEEKEND!
*** There was also that "Attack on
America"TM. I gotta figure Gary Condit's at least a little
happy about all this. He was probably starting to think he'd have to
kill himself and be dead about a year before he'd get out of the
*** Jerry Falwell says that "the ACLU,
abortion providers, gay rights proponents and federal courts that had
banned school prayer and legalized abortion, have so weakened the
United States spiritually that the nation was left exposed to Tuesday's
terrorist attacks." He forgot to mention Tinky Winky.
*** I think we can file Falwell's
remarks under ACLU: A Christian Leader Unhinged.
*** Everyone else is convinced Osama
Bin Laden is behind this. I guess the world looks different to Jerry
Falwell. What with his head up his ass and all, I'm sure it does.
*** By the way, if you rearrange the
letters in Osama Bin Laden you get "Me Is No Bad Anal". Sounds like a
gay rights slogan, doesn't it? Maybe Jerry Falwell's right.
*** Because of the "Attack on America"TM,
all trading was suspended on all U.S. stock exchanges. I say keep them
closed and make this the first month my 401k doesn't go down.
*** Why do I even have a 401k? I could
spend that money on beer and lap dances and still have some money left
to piss away.
*** One of the intended targets of the
attack was the White House. But when you think about it the White House
has always been the target of crazed fanatics. Or haven't you noticed
Pat Buchanan running for president each election?
*** A lot of people see parallels
between the "Attack on America"TM and "Pearl Harbor". I'd
have to disagree. True, the TV coverage has been long and boring. But,
where's the ridiculous romantic subplot?
*** The thing that gets on my nerves
most is, as usual, my skin.
*** Next week's scheduled start of the
new TV season has been postponed indefinitely. After seeing those
planes fly straight into buildings again and again on the news, I'm
thinking people have had enough of bad pilots for a while.
*** After the events of the past week
I was surprised to see Michael Jackson on the cover of Entertainment
Weekly. When did people start calling him "Jacko"? I always thought his
nickname was "Jackoff". Do we have to shorten everything?
*** Y'know, I heard Jennifer Aniston
say that she smokes a little pot now and again. With a Friend like that
who needs a dealer?
*** And Monica Lewinsky says she's
going to college until she gets a PhD. Good for her. I just never knew
they gave doctorates in Presidential Head.
*** An 80-year-old Westmoreland,
Virginia man was arrested for having sex with a cow. I blame the cow.
Who could resist anything so provocatively dressed? Next time don't
wear the moo-moo.
*** I bought some new toothpaste with
extra whitener. That should come in handy because my toothbrush is
*** Keanu Reeves says he was duped
into being in the movie "The Watcher" when a friend (sic) of his forged
his name on the contract and he couldn't prove it. Okay. So what's your
excuse for "Hardball"?
*** I'm pretty sure I'm the only
watcher "The Watcher" has ever had.
*** I am so gassy lately. And it
stinks worse than ever. I'm pretty sure I've discovered the exact
opposite of Aromatherapy.
*** Michael Jordan is just about ready
to possibly announce his return to basketball as a player. I guess he
finally finished up that important call he had going with Tweety Bird.
*** Peter Fonda told an interviewer
that he got high on LSD with the Beatles. So high, in fact, that George
Harrison thought he was going to die. Wow. And George still thinks that
to this day.
*** Colorado investigators are seeking
the identity of an AOL subscriber who posted a message on a bulletin
board saying he witnessed the 1996 slaying of Jon Benet Ramsey. So far
the only clue they have is his e-mail address:
*** "The Simpsons" will now have their
very own cereal. "Cheeri-Doh's?"
*** One last thing on the "Attack on
America"TM. It may take a few weeks, it may take a few
months, but soon we'll have an answer to the question we've all been
asking: Who can we sue for all this?
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