*** George W. Bush gave his address to
the nation this Thursday: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C.
*** I had it on, but only because I
thought he was gonna pick the winner on "Big Brother 2".
*** Instead he went on and on about
terrorism and some "Attack on America"TM.
You'd think somebody somewhere would've mentioned this before.
*** He told the world that those
responsible for the "Attack on America"TM are
a collection of loosely affiliated terrorist organizations known as
Al-Qaida. Al-Qaida? I've got to remember that next time I'm playing
*** He also said, "Al-Qaida is to
terror what the Mafia is to crime." Non-existent?
*** He also talked about The Taliban.
All I know about the Taliban is that if you rearrange the letters you
get "The Anal Bit".
*** Afghanistan ain't nothin' but an
*** Do you think an afghan stand would
do well in Afghanistan?
*** President Bush also asked and
answered a lot of the questions he says were on American's minds: "Who
attacked our country?", "Why do they hate us?", "How will we fight and
win this war?" and "What is expected of us?" It was right near the end
when I realized he wasn't gonna tell us "Who will win the $500,000 on
"Big Brother 2"?"
*** Will the Doctor was the big winner
on "Big Brother 2" and he's promised to waste all the money. Looks like
the Stock Market's found its first big investor since last Tuesday.
*** Just remember, Will: Waste not,
*** Speaking of doctors, I had a
prostate exam this week. That's when someone gives you the finger, but
for your own good. Ouch!
*** I'm thinking he could've at least
bought me dinner first.
*** I've never felt so violated by a
man in all my life. By a gerbil, sure. But by a man? No way.
*** By the way, what do gay gerbils
stick up their butts?
*** Speaking of gays, Elton John says
that he wouldn't be hetero for all the money in the world. Isn't this
the same guy who sang, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me"? I'd think you
couldn't find hotter gay sex than having the sun go down on
*** That's where Elton John and I
differ. I could never be gay. I hate when people do things behind my
*** Bob Dylan told an interviewer that
he hates today's music and that "the radio makes hideous sounds." Guess
they've been playing your new CD, eh, Bob?
*** Just a question, do fish have wet
*** We've all heard of golden showers,
right? Has anyone ever taken a golden bath?
*** Samuel Z. Arkoff, low-budget movie
producer whose titles include "I Was A Teenage Werewolf", is dead at
83. In lieu of flowers his family has asked that you help finance his
last project: "I Was A Teenage 83-Year-Old".
*** "Popular" actor Christopher Gorman
has joined the cast of "Felicity". If he's so "Popular", how come I've
never heard of him?
*** True, he's never heard of me
either, but at least I've heard of me.
*** Anne Bancroft turned 70 years old
this past week. "If you're trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson, I'd
better go get some lubricants."
*** Lastly, the Miss America pageant
will go on as planned this Saturday. The timing couldn't be better.
Those contestants always have some great ideas for World Peace. Let's
all try to listen this time.
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