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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-21-01

*** George W. Bush gave his address to the nation this Thursday: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C.

*** I had it on, but only because I thought he was gonna pick the winner on "Big Brother 2".

*** Instead he went on and on about terrorism and some "Attack on America"TM. You'd think somebody somewhere would've mentioned this before.

*** He told the world that those responsible for the "Attack on America"TM are a collection of loosely affiliated terrorist organizations known as Al-Qaida. Al-Qaida? I've got to remember that next time I'm playing Scrabble.

*** He also said, "Al-Qaida is to terror what the Mafia is to crime." Non-existent?

*** He also talked about The Taliban. All I know about the Taliban is that if you rearrange the letters you get "The Anal Bit".

*** Afghanistan ain't nothin' but an Allahgarchy.

*** Do you think an afghan stand would do well in Afghanistan?

*** President Bush also asked and answered a lot of the questions he says were on American's minds: "Who attacked our country?", "Why do they hate us?", "How will we fight and win this war?" and "What is expected of us?" It was right near the end when I realized he wasn't gonna tell us "Who will win the $500,000 on "Big Brother 2"?"

*** Will the Doctor was the big winner on "Big Brother 2" and he's promised to waste all the money. Looks like the Stock Market's found its first big investor since last Tuesday.

*** Just remember, Will: Waste not, wipe not.

*** Speaking of doctors, I had a prostate exam this week. That's when someone gives you the finger, but for your own good. Ouch!

*** I'm thinking he could've at least bought me dinner first.

*** I've never felt so violated by a man in all my life. By a gerbil, sure. But by a man? No way.

*** By the way, what do gay gerbils stick up their butts?

*** Speaking of gays, Elton John says that he wouldn't be hetero for all the money in the world. Isn't this the same guy who sang, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me"? I'd think you couldn't find hotter gay sex than having the sun go down on you.  

*** That's where Elton John and I differ. I could never be gay. I hate when people do things behind my back.

*** Bob Dylan told an interviewer that he hates today's music and that "the radio makes hideous sounds." Guess they've been playing your new CD, eh, Bob?

*** Just a question, do fish have wet dreams?

*** We've all heard of golden showers, right? Has anyone ever taken a golden bath?

*** Samuel Z. Arkoff, low-budget movie producer whose titles include "I Was A Teenage Werewolf", is dead at 83. In lieu of flowers his family has asked that you help finance his last project: "I Was A Teenage 83-Year-Old".

*** "Popular" actor Christopher Gorman has joined the cast of "Felicity". If he's so "Popular", how come I've never heard of him?

*** True, he's never heard of me either, but at least I've heard of me.

*** Anne Bancroft turned 70 years old this past week. "If you're trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson, I'd better go get some lubricants."

*** Lastly, the Miss America pageant will go on as planned this Saturday. The timing couldn't be better. Those contestants always have some great ideas for World Peace. Let's all try to listen this time.

And, that’s that.

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