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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-28-01

*** It's official. Michael Jordan is coming out of retirement to return to his first love: masturbation.

*** No, seriously. When I talk about Michael Jordan's first love I am of course referring to hawking over-priced, sweat-shop made goods via TV ads.

*** But it's basketball he's returning to. Some are calling this the Second Coming. That's just because "some" can't count. (What is this the Fourth or Fifth Coming? I guess I can't count either.)

*** And why did it take three years for him to decide to come back? That original "Second Coming" guy came back in three days. And he wasn't just retired, he was dead.

*** They do say viewership for NBA games has been dropping ever since he left the game. NBA was starting to stand for "Nobody's Buying Adtime".

*** Now that he'll be playing for the Washington Wizards they just need four more guys and they might have a winning team.

*** Many have called Michael Jordan the most naturally gifted basketball player ever. I say the only reason he ever got anywhere was because of who he knows. Boy, I sure wish I knew Tweety Bird.

*** President George W. Bush has reached an unprecedented 95% job approval rating since the "Attack on America"TM. I think everyone polled must've been as high as his approval rating.

*** Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as the next guy. I just can't afford as many flags.

*** I say we cut off the legs of every terrorist we can find. That way they'll never be able to set foot in this country.

*** Who says those terrorist attacks are over? There were bombs found in movie theaters across the country. Mariah Carey's "Glitter" opened.

*** This movie is so bad I'm surprised Lorne Michaels didn't produce it.

*** A man with a portrait of Osama Bin Laden tattooed across his chest and carrying fake ID was arrested in southern California after the "Attack on America"TM. Proving, once and for all, what I've always said, "Never fall asleep in your arch enemy's tattoo parlor."

*** Did you hear about that Tiger Woods impersonator? He's been jailed for 200 years. One can only hope Rich Little starts doing Tiger Woods soon.

*** French woman Marie Bremont, the world's oldest person, celebrated her 115th birthday with a glass of white wine. She would've celebrated with friends but she didn't have to dig up the white wine.

*** Former president Bill Clinton had a hole in one this past week. And then he went golfing.

*** Bo Derek will play herself on an upcoming episode of "Bob Patterson". If she was a "10" 20 years ago, does that make her a "30" now? And is that good or bad?

*** "Don't Say A Word" opened in theaters today. You know, I haven't heard a thing about it.

*** "Zoolander" also opens. Isn't it a bit too soon for another remake of "Planet of the Apes"?

*** Boy band "Five" has broken up. "Five" down, five more boy bands to go.

*** Larry King wrote his last column for USA Today this week. Which means that Duke Snyder better get his own website or nobody's gonna know what the hell he's been up to...

*** I like fudge...

*** There are some things too personal to talk about. Is there anything too personal to do?

*** Why would someone break into my room while I was sleeping and try to shampoo me? I guess they just didn't realize it wasn't Saturday.

*** Lastly, they say that ignorance is bliss. So how come I'm not happier?

And, that’s that.

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