*** Osama Bin
Laden is now Public Enemy #1. With that beard he looks more like Pubic
*** They say
Bin Laden is the 17th out of 52 children in his family. According to
Dr. Joyce Brothers the 17th child will often act out in destructive
ways as a cry for attention.
Carolina windbag and Senator Strom Thurmond collapsed on the floor of
the Senate this week. If only he'd died, it would've been doing what he
loves: collapsing on the Senate floor in a puddle of his own drool.
*** At 98 years
old, I think you can count the number of terms left in Strom Thurmond's
Senate career on the fingers of one hand. Of a shop teacher. A shop
teacher who is out on disability for cutting off both his hands while
trimming his fingernails with a hacksaw.
radio hosts and callers have been talking non-stop about Barry Bonds
hitting his 71st and 72nd home runs. They're starting to sound like a
*** In other
sports news, Rickey Henderson homered to break Ty Cobb's all time runs
scored record. You know, I also hold a Ty Cobb record. I'm the only guy
to ever willingly sit through the Tommy Lee Jones' movie "Cobb" more
*** The NFL has
fined nine members of the St. Louis Rams for wearing their socks either
too high or too low during a game. I'm wondering, did anyone check
Senator Kay O'Connor told a reporter this week that "men should take
care of women, and if men were taking care of women we wouldn't have to
vote." Thus proving that, even after decades of the women's movement in
this country, there's still at least one woman who should be seen and
Governor Jesse Ventura made an appearance on the soap opera "The Young
and the Restless" this week. Isn't this the same guy who called his
book, "I Ain't Got Time To Bleed"? Well, where in the hell did he find
time for a soap opera?
*** Rodney King
was arrested again. This time for being under the influence of PCP and
exposing himself. You know, somebody really ought to knock some sense
into this guy.
*** Going to
the bathroom always brings out the best in me.
Jennifer Lopez goes honey-mooning, does she just drop her pants
whenever, wherever, and in front of whoever? If so, wouldn't you like
*** A Michael
Jackson impersonator was arrested at Yankee Stadium after convincing
team officials that he was slated to throw out the first pitch. They
knew he wasn't the real Michael Jackson because the real one's a
catcher, not a pitcher.
Bangor, Maine mayor Timothy Woodcock has formally launched his campaign
for Maine's 2nd Congressional District seat. I have no idea who this
guy is either. All I know is that with a name like "Woodcock" he should
fit right in with all the other pricks in Congress.
Secretary of State Katherine Harris, that bitch from the election who
put the kibosh on an Al Gore presidency (and when you put it that way
it doesn't sound so bad), announced this week that she will be running
for Congress. Later that same day she announced that she'd won.
*** Bud Light
is now the top-selling beer in the country. I guess I'm not the only
fat alcoholic out there.
magazine has ranked Milwaukee as the best place in the country to live
if you're a lesbian. Of course. With all the breweries there it's got
to be a great place for lickers.
Foster had another son this week. Just how many foster children does
this woman need?
Wonder's former girlfriend filed a $30 million palimony suit against
him, alleging that he infected her with a sexual disease. A sexual
disease? Isn't that lovely, made from love.
Serious, Australia's Pauly Shore, is suing Yahoo, the internet company,
for stealing his name. I'm no Young Einstein here but I can't see
people confusing the two. But if he's got people logging on to him,
then maybe he should just put on his pants and leave that bath house.
*** Richard T.
Jones (who?), an actor on "Judging Amy", is suing 20th Century Fox
Television to get out of his contract because he's unhappy with the way
his character's been developing and feels his role is going nowhere.
Well, if he's so concerned for his character's development, what does
he thinks gonna happen to his character if he quits?
to a survey done by Today's Golfer magazine, many golfers prefer the
sport to sex, money and women. This makes no sense. Aren't you
more likely to get a hole in one with a woman? But, then again, there
are 18 holes on a golf course. I think I'm just gonna have to give this
a little more thought.
*** The rich
are different than you and me. They have more chauffeurs.
Checkers says he's one of rock 'n' roll's most important figures
and one of its most underappreciated. Who gives a shit what this
jackass has to say? I've got some twisting to do.
*** What do you
call a guy who REALLY loves his flag? --- A flaggot.
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