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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 10-05-01

*** Osama Bin Laden is now Public Enemy #1. With that beard he looks more like Pubic Enemy #1.

*** They say Bin Laden is the 17th out of 52 children in his family. According to Dr. Joyce Brothers the 17th child will often act out in destructive ways as a cry for attention.

*** South Carolina windbag and Senator Strom Thurmond collapsed on the floor of the Senate this week. If only he'd died, it would've been doing what he loves: collapsing on the Senate floor in a puddle of his own drool.

*** At 98 years old, I think you can count the number of terms left in Strom Thurmond's Senate career on the fingers of one hand. Of a shop teacher. A shop teacher who is out on disability for cutting off both his hands while trimming his fingernails with a hacksaw.

*** Sports radio hosts and callers have been talking non-stop about Barry Bonds hitting his 71st and 72nd home runs. They're starting to sound like a broken record.

*** In other sports news, Rickey Henderson homered to break Ty Cobb's all time runs scored record. You know, I also hold a Ty Cobb record. I'm the only guy to ever willingly sit through the Tommy Lee Jones' movie "Cobb" more than once.

*** The NFL has fined nine members of the St. Louis Rams for wearing their socks either too high or too low during a game. I'm wondering, did anyone check their cups?

*** Kansas Senator Kay O'Connor told a reporter this week that "men should take care of women, and if men were taking care of women we wouldn't have to vote." Thus proving that, even after decades of the women's movement in this country, there's still at least one woman who should be seen and not heard.

*** Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura made an appearance on the soap opera "The Young and the Restless" this week. Isn't this the same guy who called his book, "I Ain't Got Time To Bleed"? Well, where in the hell did he find time for a soap opera?

*** Rodney King was arrested again. This time for being under the influence of PCP and exposing himself. You know, somebody really ought to knock some sense into this guy.

*** Going to the bathroom always brings out the best in me.

*** When Jennifer Lopez goes honey-mooning, does she just drop her pants whenever, wherever, and in front of whoever? If so, wouldn't you like be "whoever"?

*** A Michael Jackson impersonator was arrested at Yankee Stadium after convincing team officials that he was slated to throw out the first pitch. They knew he wasn't the real Michael Jackson because the real one's a catcher, not a pitcher.

*** Former Bangor, Maine mayor Timothy Woodcock has formally launched his campaign for Maine's 2nd Congressional District seat. I have no idea who this guy is either. All I know is that with a name like "Woodcock" he should fit right in with all the other pricks in Congress.

*** Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, that bitch from the election who put the kibosh on an Al Gore presidency (and when you put it that way it doesn't sound so bad), announced this week that she will be running for Congress. Later that same day she announced that she'd won.

*** Bud Light is now the top-selling beer in the country. I guess I'm not the only fat alcoholic out there.

*** Girlfriends magazine has ranked Milwaukee as the best place in the country to live if you're a lesbian. Of course. With all the breweries there it's got to be a great place for lickers.

*** Jodie Foster had another son this week. Just how many foster children does this woman need?

*** Stevie Wonder's former girlfriend filed a $30 million palimony suit against him, alleging that he infected her with a sexual disease. A sexual disease? Isn't that lovely, made from love.

*** Yahoo Serious, Australia's Pauly Shore, is suing Yahoo, the internet company, for stealing his name. I'm no Young Einstein here but I can't see people confusing the two. But if he's got people logging on to him, then maybe he should just put on his pants and leave that bath house.

*** Richard T. Jones (who?), an actor on "Judging Amy", is suing 20th Century Fox Television to get out of his contract because he's unhappy with the way his character's been developing and feels his role is going nowhere. Well, if he's so concerned for his character's development, what does he thinks gonna happen to his character if he quits?

*** According to a survey done by Today's Golfer magazine, many golfers prefer the sport to sex, money and women.  This makes no sense. Aren't you more likely to get a hole in one with a woman? But, then again, there are 18 holes on a golf course. I think I'm just gonna have to give this a little more thought.

*** The rich are different than you and me. They have more chauffeurs.

*** Chubby Checkers says he's one of  rock 'n' roll's most important figures and one of its most underappreciated. Who gives a shit what this jackass has to say? I've got some twisting to do.

*** What do you call a guy who REALLY loves his flag? --- A flaggot.

And, that’s that.

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