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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 10-06-00

*** The first Presidential Debate was held this past week. I'd have something to say about it if I could've stayed awake during it. Death itself couldn't have put me out like these guys did. Every time I'd get up to pee (it's hourly, even during my best night's seep), I'd hear Al Gore talking about a "lock box". Is he proposing legislation about chastity belts?

*** And the first Vice Presidential debate was held on Thursday. I wasn't about to miss the season premiere of "Charmed" for this, especially since the ads kept promising Barenaked Ladies. Maybe it happened when I was blinking, but I didn't see any nudity. Did you? Was it Alyssa Milano?

*** Charlie Sheen is now boasting that he's slept with 5,000 women. Rounding off that's roughly 5,000 more than I have. If you were to take away his good looks, his money, and his fame --- he'd still get laid more than I do. But, give him crippling, oily diarrhea, flaky skin, and the personality of a slug --- and he'd still get laid more than me. I'm pathetic.

*** Charlie Sheen's Pick Up Lines:                                                                                        --- "Have we met before? No? Let's do it!"                                                                         --- "Now serving number 4,973."                                                                                            --- "Next!"                                                                                                                               --- "I can get you in to see President Bartlet."                                                                      --- "Why are you dressed?"                                                                                                   --- "How much?"

*** The best new TV show? "The Sexiest Bachelor in America". I figure if this one runs for about ten years they'll eventually run out of vapid hunks and I might stand a chance. I just hope that whole "being married" thing doesn't get in the way.

*** Hollywood is now apologizing for its mismarketing of movies to kids. Especially that Alec Baldwin "Thomas The Tank Engine" movie.

*** According to their very own sales tracking, 40% of all the panties sold at Victoria's Secret are thongs. 99% of these are bought by men, the other 1% are bought by near-sighted women who think they're buying dental floss.

*** A Message To Mark David Chapman: "Imagine there's no parole, it's easy if you try." They won't even let the guy out on weekends to go Ringo-hunting.

*** A man dressed as a pirate fell from the Empire State building. Faye Wray was unharmed, having been safely hooked up to a life-support system in a California hospital at the time.

*** When Pat Buchanan speaks we all must listen. His latest proclamation: "Voters need alternatives." Yes, they do. As many alternatives as possible to Pat Buchanan.

*** Ousted Yugoslavian President Slobodan Millajovovich (you try spelling it right) wants to remain in politics. Looks like the Reform Party might have a new candidate.

*** Illinois Reverend John Earl was arrested after crashing his car into an abortion clinic and then chopping away at the building with an ax. He did this only after asking himself, "What would Jesus do?"

*** Is it just me, or can you not have a rational conversation with anyone wearing a "WWJD" piece of jewelry? I, myself, wear a "WWJDSD" bracelet. It stands for "What Would J.D. Salinger Do?" According to that book his daughter wrote he'd probably run away and hide while he drank his own urine. That works for me. It's a better outcome than crucifixion.

*** Boston Bruins hockey player Marty McSorley was found guilty of hitting that other hockey player over the head with his hockey stick. He was suspended from the team and put on 18 months probation. Despite this, Jason Voorhees remains the team's goalie.

*** Price Line stocks are plummeting. Looks like William Shatner's new mission is to boldly go broke like no man has gone before.

*** Basketball player Allen Iverson wants to be a rapper in the worst way. (All rappers seem to want that.) He just recorded a CD, and he's apologizing for it. He says there're lyrics that insult women and gays, and other lyrics that might seem to promote violence and gunplay. Is this an apology, or the start of his promotional tour?

*** Lastly, a new study says that 83% of Americans have graduated from high school. The other 25% of us write columns on the internet.

And, that’s that.

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