*** Dr. Laura has apologized to the gay community for anything hateful she might have said. She's gone from being homo-phobic to homo-phony. Who's buying this shit? If she's still talking, she's still spewing hate. I say we should sew her lips together and let her talk out of her ass. Wait, I think she might already be doing that.

*** The Dr. Seuss musical, "Seussical" is set to open. I will not be there opening day --- I will not be there 'cause it looks too gay.

*** Regis Philbin has a new book out, "Who Wants To Be Regis?". Publishers expect the sales to peak at two copies. One to Pat Sajak, one to Alex Trebek.

*** Rosie O'Donnell says that she will stop doing that talk show of hers. That's the good news. The bad news? Her contract doesn't expire for two years.

*** 7-11 is now offering their own line of cosmetics. Is this an all-out push to get more women and drag queens to start holding them up?

*** Richard Gere says that if he could be any woman in the world he'd want to be Madeline Albright. I really don't think he's man enough for it. I gotta figure he thinks that the only way to get into Madeline Albright's pants is to be Madeline Albright. Either that or she's got a great-looking pet gerbil.

*** In other Richard Gere news, he plays Mr. T (a role Rob Schneider was born to play) in this new movie "Mr. T and The Women". Sounds like miscasting to me. I saw the previews and he wasn't wearing even one gold chain. I pity the poor fool who goes to see this movie.

*** I know why Cameron Diaz was posing with her hand down her pants. She had some leftover hair gel and wanted to style her pubes.

*** Assault charges have been dropped against major-league has-been Rick Springfield. The judge said it was impossible for "Rick Springfield" and "hit" to appear together in any sentence that wasn't a lie.

 *** David Dukes is dead. The actor, not that Klan guy that keeps running for office as I had originally hoped. Apparently, the Klan guy spells his last name "Dukkkes." Keep checking the obits.

*** Attention Paula Jones Fans: Yes, it's true. There will be a nude lay out in the December Penthouse. That, and all those Santa getting laid cartoons should keep me busy till New Year's.

*** Some new research has raised some questions about the legitimacy of men's claims about their sex partners. Interesting. The only question my sex partners ever raised was, "What's he gonna do with three blow-up dolls and a squid?"

*** The worst thing about this new "Dark Angel" show is having to clean all the cum off the screen when I'm done. A Tip For Fox Execs: Change the name to "Touched By A Dark Angel" and watch the young male audience swell. At least parts of them.

*** Winter is right around the corner (actually two blocks down on the left), and this can only mean one thing: endless news coverage about the rising cost of heating oil. Enjoy.